If you ended up single and childless do you wish either…

[Rewloo]

You’d had a child even where a relationship broke down

or went it alone with a dc?

im getting older and no sign of mr right.

I am 52 and consider myself child free and not childless.
I love kids but none of my relationships have come when I was of child- bearing age.
I would not chose to be a lone parent. Bloody hard work. 🙄

I was single and childless in my late 30s. Made the conscious decision that I’d prefer to be single forever rather than never have kids. Adopted as a lone parent. It’s not for everyone but it was the best decision I ever made.

Had a couple of short ish relationships since becoming a parent but mostly I’ve been single and tbh I’m expecting to stay that way for a while. It’s okay, not what I necessarily ‘expected’ my life to be like but I don’t regret for one second becoming a lone parent. Even though it is bloody hard!!

@PoppyStellar may I ask why you did adoption instead of anything else? I feel lonely all the time and always wanted a family. Can’t find the right person

Child- and menfree at 54.
I've never had the desire to have children, even as a small girl I was never interested in playing "mummy" with dolls.
I've had good and bad relationships over the years, but they all came to an end. Some quietly, some vehemently.
I'm single since 5-6 years now.
I'm on a scale from content to happy, I have my own house, job, car, money. I can do as I want and have good friends to do things with.
Men nor children are necessary to have a good life. This board is living proof of that.

I was 38 when I met DH. But no way would I have not had a child. I’m not totally sure what route I’d have gone down but I knew I wanted a family.

As I have two kids that I have brought up my own (widowed when they were very young) the answer, as always, is it depends.
If I just had my daughter- similar to me, easy to live with, hard working and diligent then I could easily see raising her on my own.
My son, very different, high energy, extrovert, and currently really struggling with some mental health issues - well i daily wish his father was here for guidance and support and wisdom (he had two older boys).
The other big issue - money - I have been fortunate as my husband left me enough in his life insurance and equity from our married home that I have, with investments and moving to a much cheaper area, managed to maintain us all reasonably well.

Solo parent here - it's tiring but great. Best thing I did was uncoupling my wish for a family from trying to find Mr Right.

I have friends who decided to hang on for the whole package...one is married, no children which I know is her greatest sadness. The others are still OLD in their forties, still hoping, waiting and wishing.

@Speedweed how many do you have? How have you found dating since? Im so conflicted but feel so sad I have no family.

Having a child won’t stop you from feeling lonely. It may make it worse and make it harder to move on from loneliness.

Childfree - 68. Knew when I was 15 that I didn't want children (gruesome sex ed film about childbirth). I have wondered in a vague way what being a mother would have been like - for about 10 minutes. Single since divorce decades ago and utterly contented with my life.

I'm not in that position, but I do know two women who have gone the 'having a child alone' route and seem very happy to have done so, although neither has found partners since (not sure how much either wants one).

I think both felt strongly they wanted kids, rather than worrying about being lonely. I wouldn't have kids to avoid loneliness, but if a woman feels very strongly that she wants them then fine.

Going into your fifties without a family is a particular type of loneliness, to be honest.

Having children doesn’t cure loneliness but let’s not dismiss what the OP is feeling. You have routes into communities and social events that you don’t without children.

Have you looked into fostering? I'm in a different position, married/together 20yrs, but multiple losses and no living children. I've only just started looking into it myself. Not 100% sure, as many children have come from troubled backgrounds and we both work FT. I imagine much harder when single, but its another option to look into.

I was single at 43 and looked at adoption. I met ds's dad that year and fell pregnant at 44.

It became clear quite quickly after DS was born that we wouldn't last (he morphed into 1950s man) but if DS hadn't happened, I'd have tried to adopt or fostered long term.

When DS heads off in four years I'll look at fostering again.

@Speedweed Really insightful post, thank you, especially this: "uncoupling my wish for a family from trying to find Mr Right."

I'm also a solo parent by choice (I had my son via IVF and a sperm donor), so so fortunate that it worked the first time aged 39. I'd spent most of my 20s and 30s dating and even being married at one point, but none of the relationships worked out in the long run. I have my family now and my son is the most precious person in my life; no way would I jeopardise his stability, security and happiness for a man/another relationship. I'm not ruling out 'light' dating but I won't marry, cohabit with anyone until my son has left home. I think back on the time spent crying, being distressed about whether or not I'd meet someone, another crap date, another man that'd ghosted me, it was utterly soul destroying. I'm happy and content and really not bothered if I never meet Mr Right now.

Single and child free… and grateful for that as I’ve always known I never wanted children. Love all my friends’ kids but just don’t think I’d be able to cope with my own

@Rewloo I think the short answer is I didn’t feel a particular pull or ‘longing’ to have a biological child. I had a long term partner in my twenties and we tried for 2 and a bit years to get pregnant but it didn’t happen. Unexplained infertility. I then had to have partial ovary removal in my early thirties so biological was never really an option.

I did always feel a bit of a pull towards adoption (I’ve worked with children from mainly disadvantaged backgrounds for most of my career) so it seemed like a natural option for me I guess.

My DD has been home for about 10 years. I honestly sometimes forget I didn’t give birth to her. Our family came together in a different way to most but we’ve always felt like a family. And without sounding too hippy dippy we both say we feel we were meant to be a family.

It's natural to want a family. It completes and enriches lots of people's lives, but I wouldn't have children if lack of loneliness is what you're hoping for. Children should not become emotional crutches for their partents (as many end up being). They cannot make up for a lack of a social life. They are not, and never will be your peers. Women who over-share with their children and let them in on adult problems often take their children's innocence and childhood away.
You will always be their parent and that's how it should be. This distinction is healthy for the child, but can make mothers lonely. You only have to see posts on here of very lonely mothers to see that.

Sorry if this is not what you meant, but I had to say this after reading the lonely comment.

I honestly sometimes forget I didn’t give birth to her. Our family came together in a different way to most but we’ve always felt like a family. And without sounding too hippy dippy we both say we feel we were meant to be a family

That's lovely @PoppyStellar

Thanks @EarthSight

@anthurium That's exactly how I feel about dating. I'm just not interested, and I want to give my child a steady home life as they are my focus now.

OP, I just have the one child so far, but keen for a sibling when the time is right.

I always wanted children but didn’t meet anyone to have them with - I’m now 50. I did consider fostering, adoption and donor sperm as options but eventually ruled them out. A friend adopted as a single woman and the adoption failed - she put her heart and soul into that child but he was too badly damaged, despite social services saying that they’d been just taken away due to neglect. As a teenager they attempted to stab her. I don’t have any extended family (we die young) and didn’t feel I’d get enough support if the child had issues.
I eventually ruled out donor insemination - I don’t have a problem with anyone else doing it at all, but I felt that again, I’d find it hard doing it completely on my own with no parents or siblings. And given that we do die young in my family, if something happened to me I didn’t want a child I had to end up with no family.

My forties were really tough as I tried to come to terms with it as that’s when my biological clock really started screaming. I realised that there’s more than one path to take to be happy, and although I still struggle from time to time (a godchild is having a baby and I’m having envy wobbles) I think I’m coming through the other side. I tell myself that this is what life had planned for me and I have to suck it up and make the best of things.

Child free but not single.
Considered going it alone (and had a willing father that didn't want to be involved day to day) but really glad I didn't.
I'm 43 and feel too old. I enjoy my freedom, my relationship is perfect.
I honestly look at my friends that had children later and they struggle.
It was right for me.

Cats do it for me.