He's happy to see me suffer

[horriblehusbandwoes]

I want to start off by saying I'm in Ireland so some details will be different...

For years my HorribleHusband was on the dole. Four years ago I applied for Carers Allowance due to our son and his medical issues. I got half-rate Carers Allowance because HH was on the dole.

A few months ago he found work and signed off. So I thought I could now apply for full-rate Carers Allowance. But they have asked for payslips and bank statements because it's a means-based payment. You have to be earning below a certain threshold, as a household. Now it's all come out in the wash. HH has two part-time jobs and he gets paid under the table with both. I had no idea. He's not paying any tax at all. He must be absolutely raking it in. I don't know how much he gets, he's in an industry that's heavy on tips so it surely varies.

Not only am I disgusted that he's earning a fortune and all of it under the table, but on a practical level I cannot access the full-rate Carers Allowance that I'm legally and morally entitled to as the full time carer for my disabled son. I will presumably lose the half-rate Carers too. And he doesn't see a problem with this. Legally, morally OR practically. Doesn't care that he's earning loads and I'm left with buttons.

It's not just the money (although that would certainly help. The school run costs over €50 a week in petrol) I also really wanted to be officially 'recognised' as my son's carer. I'm sorry if that's a bit silly but it's a difficult job. Why shouldn't I want some acknowledgement? Certainly don't get any off HH.

I don't know if anyone can help or anything but I wanted to have a whinge. Thanks for reading ❤️

Report him to revenue.ie

Then divorce him.

www.revenue.ie/en/corporate/assist-us/reporting-shadow-economy-activity/index.aspx

Yep. Just tell him that if he wont give you the figures you'll have to tell the authorities to approach him directly for the information.

Authorities = inland revenue.

Nothing would please me more than to have him jailed and me divorced. But he's already threatened to kill me if I 'take his kids away'. I don't want to have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life.

I've hated him for a while now. I honestly decided it would be best to just wait it out until the kids are old enough and then I can be free. If we were to split he would have the DC without me there to protect them. I've asked him to leave several times. He's laughed at me, ignored me, threatened me. But he doesn't go.

I know in England in cases where a couple splits up but have to remain living together (usually until a divorce is finalised/house is sold etc) you can claim benefits as a single person. You'd have to look into whether it's similar in Ireland, and of course it would only apply if you do want to separate from him but I'm not sure what else you can do to prevent his financial shenanigans disadvantaging you tbh. He's a prick though if it helps to have that confirmed!

I crossposted with you OP, you need to contact Women's Aid and work out how to get yourself and DC away from him safely, he's not just a prick he's highly abusive

Thank you @TwowaystoUrmston it actually does 😄

I am hoping that will apply. I am going to separate as much as possible whilst both of us are still living in the same house. It's a council house with both our names on the tenancy.

But he's already threatened to kill me if I 'take his kids away'.

In writing?

Even if he hasn't put it in writing, you need to go to WA or equivalent and record the threats.

No, no. Not in writing.

Can you go to your Community Welfare Officer to ask for advice about the carer's allowance? Or maybe talk to your Public Health Nurse. They might not have all the answers but they might be able to give you some advice and point you in the right direction.
Are you sure he signed off the dole? If he's working cash in hand but loses the jobs how is he going to get social welfare again? Do you have a medical card?

I am going to Citizens Advice first thing Monday morning when the DC are in school. The PHN would 100% be on my side, she is already on record as saying HH is overbearing and aggressive. The school principal I think would be too, he has witnessed a HH outburst.

I guess I don't know for sure if he's signed off the dole but I don't think he's lying there. He'd have to still be signing on if he were still claiming. I doubt he's thought of what would happen if he were to lose his jobs. He probably just thinks he'll land on his feet somehow. If he is fired from a job he can sign on again anyway. Although they might wonder how he was supporting himself in the meantime. He is hoarding money, maybe he's looking on that as a 'cushion' of he were to lose his jobs.

We do have medical cards, although they may expire.

It seems like you need help from WA, SS, legal etc.

It's very serious that he's threatened to murder you, and that you are staying with him so he can't get access to the kids on his own.

You need help from professionals with this.its good that others have witnessed some of his behaviour.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

SafeIreland is the equivalent of the UKs Womens Aid organisation in Ireland.
I have put a link here to them; do contact them
www.safeireland.ie

Do you think that such a man will at all bother with his children post separation; all he cares about is his own self and how to punish you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him including threats to kill.

Like practically all abusive men, he is also using the kids here as a weapon against you. He indeed is demanding what he likes but he is not bothered about the kids at all, let alone access to them, and is merely using them to bash you about the head with. It's all hot air and empty threats designed to frighten, manipulate and otherwise confuse you with.

Living under the same roof with him will be impossible because you, and in turn your kids, will be further subjected to being abused at his hands. Have you sought legal advice as yet re divorce?. This is something I would urge you to look into as a matter of urgency if you have not already done this. DO NOT wait until the kids are old enough for you to become free; make the break asap and certainly before they are a lot older. It will also harm them emotionally to see you as their mother being abused. Staying with him will further ground you along with your kids down making it feel even more difficult to break free.

I would also go to a Solicitors as well as Citizens Advice (they may well direct you to a Solicitor anyway) on Monday.

Thanks for the support everyone. My head is spinning with all this. I mean, it's been shite up to last night but it feels a bit surreal now. He will be home from work in about an hour or so. At least this kicked off at the weekend, I have some time to get my head together.

I have some experience of this. Mine was a few years back but I was told if he’s still in the house you won’t be able to claim personally until you’re living separately for three months. This was also in Ireland. You may be able to get a free solicitor through the citizens advice. The most important thing is to get out, however hard that may be, and I know how hard it is to make that leap. He is abusing you and your children and you will be better off out of it.