The 'perfect separation '

[mikado1]

Asking your advice, as finally making the break, and probably should have done it long before this. Those who have been the children, and the parents, what would you say are the most important dos and don'ts? I'm assuming we won't tell the DC until we have a definite plan. Unfortunately, tho the unhappiness is two sided, the decision is one sided (mine) so this makes it more difficult. I believe our unhappiness, I almost feel depressed, is being soaked up by eldest dc, despite no obvious rows etc. Would appreciate any tips. Want to get it as right as I can. Head feels like it's going to explode atm.

Sorry, I know how hard it is. And it will be hard for a while.
I have been in a similar place. Mutual unhappiness, I filed as I felt I had no other choice due to something he had done. He was not happy I did.

So - originally my exH wanted to tell kids right away. I managed to convince him that we need to have sorted out what actually happens - where the kids will live, how it all will work for them.
It was extremely hard on us as we were going through painful and tough negotiations for a while to sort it all out.
But it was good that at home we had to put it aside and not let it spill out.
By the time we told the kids - we already had a plan in place.

I don’t think there is a perfect separation. It’s hard no matter how you cut it.
But as much as you can - you need to keep arguments and negativity out of your kids lives as this is what affects them the most.
They will adjust to two house living, and will be OK. As long as there is no tag of war and parents pulling them in different directions, or forcing to chose sides.

Thank you so much and sorry you have also been through it. Tho I know it is the right thing it is still very painful all round.. Yes that was my thinking, sort and then talk, and later always put the children first, don't bad mouth etc.

There is no ‘perfect’ but there is definitely better ways .
How old are your children as that has a bearing .
agree some ground rules with your soon to be ex.
No bad mouthing , only age appropriate , don’t allow children to overhear phone calls etc (they do ) , agree the outline of what will happen before you tell them , remember that some details are for adults and it’s ok to keep some things private between yourselves .
sad things happen in life but children pick up cues for their happiness from the behaviour of those around them and how people deal with their sadness . Mummy’s feeling a bit sad today but we will go to park and have some fun and then they learn that those moments pass .
But mostly the adults need behave like the adults (however hurt or angry they are )
. Children first .

Thank you. Yes of course there's no perfect, I understand, hence the inverted commas, I just want to do the best I can by them. I hate that they have probably suffered from the atmosphere etc, when the intention was to try keep the family together.

I’m really Sorry if I came across as flippant with the no ‘perfect ‘ I was intending to empathise !
it’s a really tough tough time .
we were so unhappy but limped on and it wasn’t helpful . Some years later I saw something one of the children had written about us rowing all the time . We really didn’t but you’re right , they do absorb the sadness . And your emotional energy goes into just getting through the unhappiness and they feel that .
We are good now , they have good relationship with their dad tho they don’t see him often but love it when they do and he is in frequent contact.
I don’t answer all questions as I think some things are private . But I say we weren’t well matched and so we tried to make the best situation for everyone going forward .
its not ideal but it can be managed kindly and empathetically .
Ive got friends who are amazing co-parents and out the children first , no outward animosity .

Oh not at all, I just wanted you to know I wasn't being naive or really believed there was a perfect.. Thanks for your words and your own experience. That's exactly it regarding energy levels...my bedroom (the spare) is an absolute bombsite as the simple job of clearing up feels too much...anytime around the house feels lethargic and difficult. Heading out now with the DC into a lovely sunny Saturday.