DH was a bit crap there…..

[AsterixInEngland]

Background first:
So I have a chronic illness that is fluctuating. Some days I can do quite a bit. Others i should be lying down all day to try and recover/not feeling ever more ill.
I’m also restricted in how much I can do in day.

So it’s dc birthday. He is getting ready to go to Uni so we decide to use that as an ‘excuse’ for a family gathering with DH’s family - cousins etc…
I plan the meal for 15 people (easy, low cooker stuff so I have little to do), organise b’day gifts from my recliner etc….
Everything is on track for the Saturday evening meal.

And then things start to unravel.
DH announces he is planning to do his hobby on the Sunday so ‘we will stay at his parents’. I had agreed to take the dcs to their hobby on the Sunday, driving form home, so 30mins each way. I’m now facing 1h30 drive to get there. It’s brushed aside. DH maintains it doesn’t take that long etc… (it does). And if I can’t do it, then the dcs will have to miss out.

I get then a big flare up on Friday and end up in bed all day. DH has to do the shopping do the ‘birthday meal’ and misses a few obvious things (think buying rice to go with a curry). No drinks planned etc… He knows that we still don’t have a card for dc but doesn’t think about getting one.

We are now Saturday am. Both him and dcs are away for their common hobby. Will back just in time to leave to DH parents.
Im left to finish the shopping, buy a card and I’m still expected to drive 1h30 tomorrow.

And I think it’s thoughtless and crap.
Im thinking to say I’m not well enough to go and just stay at home. They can either come back home in the evening or stay over.

Sorry that was much longer than I thought….
Ive been ranting away there 🫣🫣

Yes do that.

Look after yourself, he certainly isn't going to.

Hope you feel better soon.

Fantastic idea. He gets to stay at his dps as planned. You get a night at home to yourself.
Bloody ideal imo. Catch up tomorrow..

The only thing that stops me just now is that I can see DH saying him and dcs will still stay over. They will miss out on the hobby. And be bored at PIL with little to do.
If I insist that they all come back home so I can still try and take the dcs on Sunday (hopefully another day of rest might do the trick), DH won’t be happy….

I think I’m also grumpy because the reason for the flare up is that I’ve done too much helping dc to prepare all his stuff for Uni. DH did nothing.

I am in the middle of applying for the ESA, PIP, blue badge. Finding an electric wheelchair so I can go out Wo crashing (as much). He has read the stuff I’ve written for all of this. He knows how limited I am.

And still come back with this crap.

This is not your problem, it's his. You've had this condition for years, he should know your limitations by now and adapt to suit. One of my DC has a permanent chronic fatigue condition - we've been living with it for 3 years and by now we know where the boundaries are and what's possible. Your DH needs to accept he's fucked up.

So what if the teenager misses a hobby? Not your fault. Put the blame back where it belongs and stop pandering to this selfish arsehole of a man child.

@pointythings I’m afraid it’s me who has adapted than the other way around. Don’t get me wrong he has stepped up (after a few years) and is more or less doing it all in the house now. But he still comes first when it comes to decide how we spend our time. I can decide if I join in or not…. We are more and more living our life separately because of that.

@Blobblobblob I think I always feel guilty for them missing out. If I had taken a ‘hard stance’ each time DH fucked up like this, they would have been let down a lot - like to help dc to get ready for Uni. Or dc2 who is still missing a pair of school trousers (I’m not doing anything there. DH can do the extra washing and ironing).

So it’s not okay for DH to be unhappy but it’s absolutely okay for you to be unhappy?

Bollocks to that.

Stay home and let him navigate the children’s tantrums and sulks. He sounds more on their wavelength anyway.

And awweeee, did your phone run out of battery and you never realised? Damn shame.

As an update…
told dh yesterday that I wasn’t going to the meal as I felt too unwell. But to go with the dcs and see his family.

Suddenly there was a change of tune. Oh but I can drive and then we can come back home in the evening.

Basically, he knew.
He didn’t like the idea of telling everyone I was at home because I was unwell.
He also knew that having the dcs at his parents for the day wasn’t very clever.
But he waited until the very last moment before he ‘decided’ that taking my needs into account was necessary.

Lesson learnt….

He's an arse op

That's appalling of him. Time for a stern talk - either he's in and he supports you like a loving partner is supposed to do, or he can just fuck off. What a massive loser.

DH announces he is planning to do his hobby on the Sunday so ‘we will stay at his parents’.

I see that it has since "worked out", for lack of a better term, but why didn't you tell him immediately that his stupid idea simply wasn't going to happen, that you were not going to stay at his parents, and that's the end of it?

In this case, it was really situational.

But there is a history of him simply refusing to acknowledge his selfishness. And him being grumpy/hard work when I said so or simply pointed out the impact of his behaviour.

eg he was grumpy when I toLD him yesterday I had finished the shopping and got the missing bits…. Obviously took that as a reproach and was put out to be ‘told off’….