DD wants to see absent, abusive, Narc ex. Advice and handhold please?

[PlasticBagOdyssey]

Very long story short - I stopped contact between XH and DD(14) and DD(11) 5 years ago following concerns around his flakiness, minor neglect, continued abuse and a warning from SS. During the following court case he failed to attend majority of supervised visits and then didn’t turn up to the final hearing resulting in no order being made. He hasn’t seen them since as I’ve always felt concerned at him having unsupervised contact, particularly without a court order.

However, I’ve never stopped phone contact between them. Despite this, he rarely calls or messages them, going months without contact at times and seemingly doesn’t have an interest in getting to know them (perhaps can’t due to narcissism?), sticking to repetitive small talk. DD14 (also PDA ASD) has been very firm for around 6 or 7 years that she doesn’t want to see him. When she speaks to him, she is either mocking him or delivering home truths to which he responds with defensiveness, making himself the victim, blaming others (me) and generally dismissing her criticism. The fact that he is incapable of introspection, humility and will absolutely not take blame or criticism worries me enormously given how slack his parenting is. In an ideal world, he would hold his hands up, admit that he’s got things wrong (haven’t we all but his mistakes have been on another level!) and the crucial bit, that he wants to try to be a better father. But I know this is impossible for him. He thinks he’s a great father and I’ve stopped contact out of spite.

DD11 feels differently and has generally been more open to a relationship with him - in fact, has driven the relationship so far as she’s more often than not the first to text him. She understands his shortcomings (in as much as she can at this age - she’s unlikely to remember much of the abuse as she was so young when I left). She has accepted my explanation that contact has to be safe. When we’ve discussed it, she says she would feel happier if her sister came too but I’m not sure how willing DD14 would be and if they could handle a meltdown (she can be violent).

I get on ok with his sister (she is at least more reasonable than he is) and she’s kindly offered on many occasions to facilitate contact and has offered again since he’s now living with her. We have disagreed at times and I feel she too readily believes her brother and doesn’t see him for what he is, a narcissistic abuser. One of his exes told me that the whole family would regularly talk about me, characterising me as ‘crazy’ so I’m a bit worried about this too.

I'm not over the abuse and regularly have flashbacks. I want nothing to do with him and I feel triggered every time he re-enters our lives. But, I obviously want to do the right thing for my DD. I’m fighting all my instincts to protect her from him (I have absolutely no doubt that he will go on to emotionally abuse her and she’s likely to end up caring for him at some point as he doesn’t see women as people but rather domestic servers). But this is what she wants. I’m so conflicted.

What would you do in my shoes and how to do I ‘manage’ the situation to ensure my DDs safety? DD11 wants me to message her aunt this weekend so I need to decide what I’m going to say.

Anyone?

Could you discuss this with women's aid, or a similar support network?

I'd say to your DD that this is a big deal. You appreciate her perspective and just want to be quite sure that you have prepared properly for it so she isn't to rush you. Remind her that you were injured by him, so you are rightly very wary and will not proceed until you've thought things through properly to ensure both you and she are safe.

I'd talk to her about how some people can be manipulative. That some people play power games.

Then I'd suggest a brief meeting in public, with his sister and him. Perhaps you could drop her outside a cafe, for example, and wait for her to call you to say she's met them. Then arrange to go back for her an hour later.

This is a big deal, and I can see why you want to be really thorough.

Hopefully after a visit she'll lose interest.

As DD wants to meet her dad, I think that she should be given the opportunity. I understand your concerns (there is a similar situation in my wider family), but unfortunately I believe that she still needs to learn some of this herself as she's at the age when seeking an identity for herself is so important.

Can you keep the visit short and ask his sister to promise that she'll always be present to keep an eye on things? (And also make sure DD understands this.) Would you be comfortable with that?

First thing that jumps out at me is your DD has ASD and PDA, have you considered her father may have it too. It might help you to understand how better to facilitate the contact.

Anyhow, younger DD needs this chance if she wants it, can it be done for short amounts of time at the aunts house, say max 2 hours a time?

Just to say I don’t want to downplay any abuse, an abuser is an abuser ASD or otherwise. But I just wondered if it might be at play.

You say your ex sees women as support staff rather than people.

So stop doing it.

His sister, his daughter, you... all being asked to create an opportunity for him to be a father. What has he done to be a Dad? Goes months without even phone contact, which is allowed. Didn't show up to court.

I would explain to DD that there has been no in-person contact because it was unsafe. I think you need to explain in the most child-friendly way possible that you are not keeping him away. He just isn't interested in being a consistent, positive prensence in her life. He is keeping himself away.

If your ex was asking to be a Dad to her, and she wanted to see him, then that would be different. Regular phone contact would need to happen first - always on time, arranged by him, he makes the calls - then working up to supervised contact.

Could you not use a contact centre to ensure your DDs safety whilst minimising the influence of his family.

You need to protect your youngest child from being abused and or otherwise further manipulated at her father's hands via the phone contact you've allowed. He is abusive and will stop at nothing to try and abuse and or otherwise manipulate your kids too. If he is too toxic/difficult/abusive for YOU to deal with, it's the SAME deal for the kids too.

She needs to be given the age appropriate truth re him leaving nothing out. You are the parent here and as such relies on you for your good judgment; she is too young to realise anything about manipulation. She does not know the full truth about her dad and may well have an idealised view of him; this has been further fostered by him.

I think you have to let her. This happened with a friend but it was her eldest that wanted to see him and her youngest that had little time for him. He constantly let his daughter down but she loved him anyway, even into adulthood. My friend never stopped the haphazard contact because she knew her daughter would resent her for it. She just made sure she was always available to console her when things went wrong. 30 years later, they have the strongest mother/daughter bond.