Don’t like husband's personality

[PurpleCutter]

We’ve been together 8 years with 2 young children. It’s taken me these 8 years to realise who he truly is in many ways. I find him to be cold, lacking empathy, not the most trustworthy, not very reliable, terrible communicator, the list goes on. That being said, we have somewhat similar interests and can talk about surface level things, he can be funny and we have tolerable family days out. We don’t argue much now as I don’t bother engaging in certain conversations to prevent arguments. He’s an ok Dad, not the worst and certainly not the best. That being said, the kids are absolutely obsessed with him. I don’t want to leave because not only would it devastate the children (yes I know they’re resilient etc), but I don’t believe I’d be happier if we divorced because I would not want to have shared custody of the kids. I guess I’m wondering, how do I continue to live with someone I actually do not like?

I forgot to add, I've discussed countless times all the things which make me unhappy. For the most part it goes in one ear and out of the other. He isn't interested in making changes. He might try for a day or two and then he's back to his usual self which I understand, because really it's very hard to change who you are. We've had counselling but hasn't really solved much besides making me realise who he really is and that he's not going to change and this is who I'm married to

I think it happens more than we realise. At some point in life we become focused on our need to settle down and babe kids. And we do our best and pick people we think will be good partners to do that.
But it’s only by actually living together over a long period of time, and having kids and dealing with all of the day to day real life that we get to truly know one another.

If you want to stay while kids are still small - you’ll just need to continue doing what you do already. Avoid situations - topics, activities, etc - that trigger the most resentment in you. Also - try to slowly build up a bit of separate life that doesn’t involve him - hobbies, friends, etc. Both to get some break from him now and again, but also for one day. Your kids are still young, their relationships with you both will undergo changes as they grow up. Do make sure that you also do things with them on your own, not only as a family - ‘special mommy things’.

And of course - make sure you are prepared for the financial side of separation one day.

As you are not planning to divorce right now - you have plenty of time.

On the other hand - it is also possible that you are in this phase of marriage that many people find challenging - small kids are tiring and people do grow apart. If he is open to trying to improve your marriage - maybe you two can try counselling?

You've tried counselling and given how he is it's not altogether surprising it has been unsuccessful. This man also remains volatile.

How old are your children?. Why do you write they are obsessed with him; that in itself is an unhealthy state?. Do you think that they are perhaps that compliant and subserviant around him in an attempt not to set him off. They see also how you act towards him too and copy. Do you really think too that such a man would actually want his children half the week post separation and divorce?. Oh he may well go on about wanting them 50% of the time but that is often said by such men to further weaken and or traumatise their chosen target; in this case you. He knows these children are your achilles heel and he's not above using them to get back at you either. It can also be said as a tactic to avoid paying maintenance. Better for them to be happier with you even half the week than to be in their parents miserable sounding marriage 100% of the time.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
You do not have to stay married to him and staying for the supposed sake of the children is a particularly bad idea of yours. What would staying achieve here?. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. You want to continue to show them that this treatment of you by him is acceptable to you?. You would still remain miserable within this marriage, perhaps even more so. You would not want this sort of marriage for them would you and its not good enough for you either. Divorce is not failure OP, living like this is.

OP has already tried counselling and its not been successful. Unsurprising really given how cold and unempathetic he is towards not just the OP but these children as well. All this man seems to care about is his own self and getting his needs met.

I am not suggesting you divorce in the short term at all OP but do not dismiss that option open to you and especially for the reasons you gave. Neither are any real basis or reasons really to remain with such a man.

Your relationship is teaching your children how adult relationships look. They will replicate it in their adult lives.

It's not just about you being happy and what suits you best. What do you want for them, and whereabouts are they on your priority list?

OP - just saw your update on already trying counselling.

In they case - the only thing to do if you want to stay - os to make it more bearable for you, and prepare for one day when you do make a move.

It could be argued that the longer you stay, the more worn down by him you become and so feels harder to leave.

The red flag that stuck out for me, and I really hope I’m wrong, is that your children are obsessed with him OP. If he’s cold and awful to you, how is he to them? Are they trying to please him, to appease him, make him happy so he’ll love and pay attention to them? Are they reacting the way they are because they know that’s the only way they will be ‘safe’ (cared for, loved etc)?
As I say, I hope I’m wrong, but I had a father who was similar and it’s left me with a lifetime of mental health issues and relationship problems.

My mother did what you are planning to do. She stayed with my father for 11 years after she should have left him - in the end, it was him who finally left, for another woman when I was 21.

Both myself and my two brothers knew from a very young age - I was 9 - that my parents just did not like each other. There was no real affection between them, no holding hands, no hugs, kisses etc. Their inability to show affection for each other, because there was none, also extended to us. I've never been hugged or kissed by either parent. We all walked on eggshells as the only overriding priority in the family was to keep my father happy, at any cost. That cost was my and my two brothers childhood.

I'm 54. I've had no contact with my father since he left, that's 33 years ago this month. I've been extremely low contact with my mother, at this point I've not seen her in 13 years. I deliberately live on the other side of the world to her. Between them, my parents wrecked my childhood, my mental and physical health. My mother admits she was a doormat to my father, but she had numerous opportunities during those years when she could have left and made life far easier for us all...she didn't take them because she put her marriage and her lifestyle before her children. I blame them both equally. No one admires a martyr.

Please listen to @AttilaTheMeerkat.

Sometimes the problem resolves itself. It did for me.

I didn’t like my husband and how he treated me, but as long as I kept my mouth shut we got along. Children already grown up.

But as time went on I found it harder and harder and the resentment grew. Then one day I exploded at his brother, it was really my H I was shouting at. At that point I knew I had to do something. My bad feelings were literally exploding out of me.

I suggest you accept you will separate sooner or later, whether it’s next year or in 10 years. Make sure you have your own pension and protect your finances.

What was he like in the beginning? Would you class him as your best friend?. Would you have left if you didn’t have children?

I was at a similar place as you at some point of my marriage. When we married - we worked as a couple. But as life went on, we had kids - I realised we aren’t working anymore, as we are too different and want different things. As I became a SAHM to our kids - it seemed that I stopped being an equal partner in our marriage.
Like you, I didn’t want to leave when kids were small. So - I put my head down and tried to focus on my kids as much as I could and tried to ignore our issues.
It worked but did become harder over years.
Eventually - both of us become more unhappy and we did end up divorcing when kids were in secondary school.
It was hard.
However - I don’t regret giving them some years of full family, when they were happy and unaware.
As they became older - they knew we
weren’t quite right as a couple. But, differently to the other poster above - individually both of us had close relationships with our kids, and no one was afraid of anyone. We just didn’t have much affection/togetherness as a couple.

Kids are now ok and have adjusted to divorce and new partners.

Solid advice here.

Separate bedrooms would give you some much needed physical space.

Start a "getting away" fund and make quiet preparation to detach emotionally.

If you no longer care, it is far easier to protect yourself and build your life supports outside your marriage

Could you try for an amicable split where you live close to each other so not too disruptive ?

I feel very similar OP and as you say I feel I’d be swapping one cause of unhappiness for another, with the children taking the brunt of the change. Very hard to know what to do for the best.

I was on the receiving end of this during my marriage. I would have stuck it out for our 3 very small children. In the end he walked out very unexpectedly. I say out of the blue as I never expected it he just packed up and left one day (10 years of marriage)

It's early days but putting aside the anger and hurt in the long run I deserve to be with someone who shows me love and the kids deserve to be around someone who isn't an emotional vacuum

This was my first thought.

How have you got on @PurpleCutter ? Still in the thick of it all?

Im incredibly similar to you, however with 3 young DC and depend on him financially (stupidly I know but it’s cheaper childcare wise for me to stay at home than go to work). I just can’t stand the way my DH handles most situations, he lacks any empathy, gaslights and is unbelievably cold when I need him or it doesn’t serve him. It’s so hard to live with but I’m also with you.. when I think about it, it would be harder to split custody, bills, our home etc..

Were stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea.