We’re “friends” but I can’t stop thinking about him

[Seahorsefan]

I’ve posted about this guy in question before...
Earlier this year, went out a few times, lots of kissing, slept together once, then I barely saw him over sumner as he was away with work and all the flirty texts etc reduced. I met up with him
once over summer, and we ended up kissing at the end of the night. I explained that I hadn’t felt great not hearing from him much after we’d last slept together (him abroad). He said he thought we should be friends as I was in a tricky situation (I am going through a divorce, have 3 kids, one of which is in the same class as his son, so all our meet ups have been secretive to avoid being school run gossip etc). I agreed but he held my hand the whole way home and kissed again before saying goodbye. The texting went quiet again, but he did reach out after a few days asking how I was etc.

He’s back now. I haven’t seen him but am hearing from him via text, nothing flirty but genuine things… asking how I am, asking my opinion on things etc. I haven’t flirted back, but have been friendly, like I would with any of my other friends.

I really like this guy. I can’t stop thinking about him. The one time we had sex it was amazing and he would be a perfect fwb, if that was on offer regularly. But I know I’d develop stronger feelings for him so am reluctant to go down that route.

I’ve tried to forget him, deleted chat histories etc. He is such a nice man though - but has made 2 comments now about being friends, once right at the beginning when he said he wasn’t good at relationships 😩.

I’m tempted to ask him if he’d like to meet up as friends, but don’t know how to do it?

It does sound somewhat like he just wants to be friends, but it could be that he is u sure/worried. I would do what you are thinking, suggest a meet up, either coffee or lunch maybe and then catch up and if it feels appropriate then ask him how he feels.

I agree re the FWB, you would almost certainly struggle to not develop feelings, as you already have in reality. Your feelings are mix3d up anyway as you have already slept together

He wants to use you for no strings attached sex.
Don't allow yourself to be used.

Agree with @ZekeZeke

Even if he wanted to be just friends without sex, why put yourself through it? You already have feelings for him, meeting up as mates will be unnecessary painful.
I think you should protect yourself here and stop contact as much as possible.
Good luck x

If he was interested in you in a romantic way, he would not have suggested being "friends". Answer his messages in a friendly manner but if you want a partner or FWB look somewhere else.

If he wanted to meet, even as a friend, he would have asked you. I'm sorry

This guy is messing with you. He says he just wants to be friends but then does romantic things like hold your hand. You’ve got a crush on him so can’t just be friends anyway.

I agree with PP - sounds like he doesn’t want to commit to you in any way - which is fair enough - but is keeping you warm in case he fancies sex again. He’s telling you he thinks you should just be friends so you can’t reproach him when he’s cool with you.

Don’t let him do this to you. This is not how a nice guy behaves. As far as possible, keep away from him until you can see him with indifference. Let the crush blow itself out and you’ll find someone more worthy of your interest.

Yes he is setting the scene and trying to pull you in.

Sorry I quoted the wrong post!!

This is the one I meant to quote.

I remember your thread of about a week ago. He had sex with you just before he went away for a few weeks and then he tried to line you up to do the same again. He is definitely just fire occasional sex.

I hear what you’re saying… but struggling to accept it. I suppose I’m only wanting to see the best in him ☹️

Oh ffs, he's not trying to do anything, he's just not that into you. A secret hook up, stressing just friends, using the excuse of your situation being complicated - nothing is complicated about it. He slept with you and for one of infinite reasons (which mostly have absolutely to do with you) he doesn't want to move things along.

Dust yourself down and move on. Definitely don't settle for some downgraded version of what you'd actually like.

Keep your standards of how you expect to be treated high, always.

I don’t think he’s settling any scene or trying to draw you in. He’s been honest, he’s not interested in anything other than friendship. I wouldn’t meet him unless you can cope with that and don’t hope for more. I wouldn’t even bother answering his texts much. Asking for a FWB situation is just setting yourself up for heartache because you ALREADY have feelings.

Don't break your own heart OP. You deserve someone excited to be with you.

“Don't break your own heart OP. You deserve someone excited to be with you.”

Beautifully put by @ZuzuSusu . This.

He isn't interested in a relationship, or a friendship, I'm afraid. He just wants you as an occasional ego boost for when he's bored or lonely. By staying in this half way house, you are only going to get hurt and confused. Don't do that to yourself.

The only way to move on from someone is space, space and more space. No texting, social media, or meeting up. It feels impossible now that you'll ever get over him, but you absolutely will. The only reason you are still hung up on him is because he's still dipping in and out of your life. He isn't the perfect guy you think he is, that's just hormones. If he was perfect for you, you would be with him right now happy and loved up, rather than on MN.

Thanks everyone 😢
the fact that everyone is virtually saying the same thing says it all. - not nice to hear, was kidding myself he actually liked me 😞

Tricky one
it sounds like for either his own reasons
or for your reasons (divorce pending ) he doesn’t want to go there
and you are right that a FWB set up would hurt you
but I think you need to be brave and talk to him

as if he can’t or won’t
you probably can’t be friends sadly

@Seahorsefan I just read your previous thread. Yes, he's not interested for sure. When you meet an interested man you will not doubt and not post on mumsnet because they won't do this disappearing act and wanting to stay friends.

Good luck with finding someone who loves you, you will if you don't waste time on people like this guy

He keeps telling you he doesn't want a relationship...I would listen to that.

Also he wouldn't be a perfect fwb - because you have feelings for him.

Not that I even think fwb works for most women. Due to oxytocin etc.