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Relationships

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Original poster

Avoiding commitments

20 replies

Maria46u8 · 09/09/2022 22:20

Hi everyone! I really need a hand, please.

My partner and I being together for over a year and a half. He is 39 I am 36. I live in a shared house but since 2 months ago I am living in his flat. He lives in a small flat and there is no room for me and my things. I live in his house out of a little hand luggage and an Aldi bag!

Recently I have suggested to find a place together since we are good together and work well. He never said no but after few days talking about he said to me that he is no ready yet to take the step. He says that there is something inside him that feels is not the right moment yet....

He never lived with any of his couples before.

He really broke me inside and he says that I am exagerating...but I feel he broke the progression of our relationship and the balance.

He believes that me being in his place and living out of a luggage is not that bad until he makes up his mind...

Thoughs?
Many thanks in advance :)

OP posts:

Catlover1970 · 09/09/2022 22:28

You’re pushing too hard and he’s not ready. Relax and give him more time

Dacadactyl · 09/09/2022 23:01

What are your long term goals? Would you like marriage and a family?

If so, I would dump him. You are not getting any younger and if he doesn't know after 18 months at his age, he's just a time waster in my eyes. Sorry to be blunt.

zonky · 09/09/2022 23:22

Your financial situation sounds unstable and insecure, are you looking to him for an easier financial ride?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/09/2022 23:30

Why did you move in if there’s no space for you there? Is there space you could have? Are you paying him rent? Fundamentally you seem to want different things but you just need to communicate clearly.

Either you both agreed to house hunt and you’d only be moving in on the understanding that would happen quickly and he’s changed him mind. Or you didn’t discuss moving and now want to because you’re not than keen on his place. Or I suppose you were led to believe he’d make more space for you and hasn’t. If you’re not happy then you can move back out. Can you afford to do that? Could you afford to pay towards a bigger place with him?

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/09/2022 23:34

"He believes that me being in his place and living out of a luggage is not that bad until he makes up his mind..."
He's a wanker. Living out of a suitcase is horrible.

Why did you move in with him? What sort of conversations did you have before moving? Is your house-share able to be moved back to?

Fuzzyhippo · 09/09/2022 23:51

This is how my current relationship started. Now I'm 7 years in and nothing has changed, he's still scared of the commitment and he's left me 6 months pregnant. Yes some men can change, but in my case he didn't and he's in his mid 30s so he knew what he wanted and where he was heading. I wish I didn't stick around to wait and see

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2022 23:53

Run for your fucking life. If he doesn't know what he wants at 39 years of age, he never will. This man will never commit to you. Get out.

Aintnosupermum · 09/09/2022 23:53

Run dont walk. This isn’t the man for you.

After 18 months you know. Don’t move in with a guy until he puts a ring on it first. Once you move in, he probably won’t marry you.

Be picky.

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/09/2022 07:31

How did it come about that you moved in together? And where is all your stuff - surely your life amounts to more than a suitcase and an Aldi bag - did you not discuss where your stuff would go when you decided to move in, you would have known he really didn’t have room for you?

In any event I’d be making plans to move out to somewhere you have enough space to be comfortable, and decide on your relationship after getting some distance. He may be moving at a slower pace than you and just needs time, he may be stringing you along but right now you want and need different things, only you know how long you’re prepared to wait.

If you do want kids etc and he’s not both making the right noises and planning in that direction I’d end it and find someone whose goals align with yours. The more time you spend in a relationship with someone who can’t give you what you want, the less time you have to find someone who can.

Autumnchills415 · 10/09/2022 08:05

Can you not go back home and spend all the week with him and hae your own place. If he's not willing then you should be securing yourself somewhere if you can afford too. You need stability one way or another. I'd say in 6 months time if your wants don't match you may need to end it.

Dacadactyl · 10/09/2022 08:13

I wonder why posters say to give him more time? By 39 years old and 18 months together, surely he knows whether he intends to move forward with this relationship or not? I couldn't be attracted to a man of 39 who was messing me around like this.

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/09/2022 09:25

I couldn’t be attracted to a man who thought I could live out of a suitcase for months on end.

Original poster

Maria46u8 · 10/09/2022 09:51

Thanks for your replies, my fault I didn't explain a bit more so that is more clear.

I didn't really moved with him in his flat for the rest. I am still paying my room and my things are there. So if we move out with what I pay and what he is paying we could easily afford a bigger place for 2 of us.

We have spent the last 2 months together cos I was feeling comfortable and was feeling that he could be "my other half" (I know we are a whole each of us, but let's call it a great connection and corresponded love), he gave me stability and I was happy.

He said he has the same values, living together, and share a life together. I have changed my mind about kids about wanting kids but still unsure, he doesn't want and I think marriage is beautiful a great commitment to be wife and husband, but he doesn't believe in it. Everything is related with commitment, he is not interested in.

When I expressed how I feel he couldn't believe that i took it so wrong and said to me I am being a victim... he asked few more months until next year and maybe, only maybe, if he feels more comfortable with the decision, then move together... as I said is a big step for him and he never lived with any other partner before.

Am I being too dramatic? Things have changed inside me and hurt me so much that not sure I can go back to normality... it might be a good idea to shiw him this threat so that he understands it wouldn't only me thinking this way...

Many thanks!

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 10/09/2022 10:00

If you want to be married and he doesn't, I would leave him. However, I find a lack of commitment to things an off putting trait and i wouldn't put up with a man who wanted me to act like his wife but wouldn't marry me.

After 18 months, if he hadn't married me, he wouldn't get to sleep with me.

Original poster

Maria46u8 · 10/09/2022 10:00

I meant thread* I don't want to threat at anyone 😅

OP posts:

Hohofortherobbers · 10/09/2022 10:05

You sound like you would like marriage and you may want children, he definitely does not want either of these. You will either need to let go of these dreams or let you of him. I know what I'd do, move on and keep your options open for marriage and the possibility of children.

breatheinskipthegym · 10/09/2022 10:07

You don’t live together - an Aldi carrier bag and a carry-on bag, whilst maintaining a home elsewhere, isn’t living together. And by not making space for you in his home, he’s making it pretty clear that he does not see it your shared home together. Don’t move in by stealth, that’s the sort of thing you need to do in a considered way, when both parties are ready.

wellhelloitsme · 10/09/2022 10:07

Hohofortherobbers · 10/09/2022 10:05

This. Don't be with someone who definitely doesn't want one massive thing you want and definitely doesn't want one other massive thing you might want.

How old are you? Please don't spend your fertile years on a bloke who doesn't want kids if you think you might.

Ofcourseshecan · 10/09/2022 10:12

Fuzzyhippo · 09/09/2022 23:51

What a sht. I hope things turn out well for you and your baby, Fuzzyhippo*.

Maria46u8, 18 months is long enough for him to know his feelings. Don’t let him string you along the way Fuzzyhippo’s partner did. You and she deserve better.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/09/2022 16:40

"When I expressed how I feel he couldn't believe that i took it so wrong and said to me I am being a victim... he asked few more months until next year and maybe, only maybe, if he feels more comfortable with the decision, then move together... as I said is a big step for him and he never lived with any other partner before."
Ooh, he does want to keep you dangling, doesn't he? He doesn't need a few more months, he already knows that he won't marry you, that he won't have kids with you, and he won't move to a new shared place with you. He likes things fine just as they are, with you dancing to his tune, too afraid to assert yourself in case he says 'no' out loud. But - he is already saying 'no', you're just not hearing it.

"I am still paying my room and my things are there. So if we move out with what I pay and what he is paying we could easily afford a bigger place for 2 of us."
Move back to there ASAP. Give yourself a break from this living out of your suitcase, draw some breath, spend some time on your own deciding what you want.

And work on your self-respect! I don't know if you've always been short of it or if this relationship has damaged it, but I'm not seeing any signs of it.

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