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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help dont know what to do

26 replies

PanicButton1 · 09/09/2022 21:29

My DP is self employed and has always refused to move away from his town. I got a contract that was really lucrative and meant I had to be in London for a year, and because I was so fed up of being in his town and this was a great opportunity I took it. He refused to move down with me. So for the past year I have been going back and forth between the two, renting a room in London and going back up to the house. I left my cat there with him as hes happy there and it's a much better life for him (the cat!).

DP has never been on top of his taxes and he has never brought much in. Now his work is completely falling to shit and he is really angry with me. He is insinuating I have put him in the financial shit (because I used to pay the lions share of our house and now contribute much less as I have my travel and room in london to pay for). He has told me he has lost so much weight and is really upset and doesnt know how he can continue on, he is entitled to no government help if he shuts down his SE. He is saying he is totally in debt and cant pay his bills. I was up here in the house today and the internet wasnt working because the bill was outstanding, I paid it. He is saying he just wants to pack it all in.

Now I dont know what to do. I feel terrible like I have caused him so much harm, at the same time I am angry with him as for years I lived according to his preferences. I took the contract in london because it was something for me and the chance to do what I needed to do for myself. Now what do I do? I could just about pay for my room and this house (its rented btw) but... I just feel so torn. On the one hand I hate to see him in such distress and I feel guilty. On the other hand I feel angry with him.

I still have 6 months of my contract to go.

OP posts:

pilates · 09/09/2022 21:31

Maybe it’s time to go your separate ways?
He doesn’t sound very nice.

KangarooKenny · 09/09/2022 21:35

I’d be interested to see exactly where all his money has gone, and how a grown man can’t sort his shit out. This is not your fault. Please don’t throw your money at his problem.

Hoardasurass · 09/09/2022 21:38

Why were you paying the majority of the bills he should have paid 1/2

LIZS · 09/09/2022 21:39

He sounds weak and not an equal partner, expecting you to bail him out. Does he have any issues behind his behaviour? Even if you funded it as well as your London room, what happens longer term?. If SE is not working he needs to find a salaried role and be more proactive.

Original poster

PanicButton1 · 09/09/2022 21:42

@Hoardasurass
I have always earned more than him. Maybe three times as much. Over covid he wasnt working for a year and I paid everything. Which is why I'm disappointed that right now for this contract, he couldn't step up and make this work. I'm really pissed off at him and at the same time I'm wondering if I saw this on MN and the genders were reversed would people be saying "this is financial abuse"

OP posts:

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 09/09/2022 21:42

Op, you already have one foot in a new life in London. Take the leap with the other as your life sounds absolutely miserable with this man.

theresnouseingrumpin · 09/09/2022 21:43

He sounds awful

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 09/09/2022 21:44

If there’s been any financial abuse Op, it’s not come from you.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 09/09/2022 21:46

Do you think he’s manipulative OP?

Original poster

PanicButton1 · 09/09/2022 21:46

@LIZS
Ideally I would want to keep things as they are for 6 months. And then we might have to part ways. But why 6 months, well, this might sound pathetic but I'll tell you: it's my cat. I adore him and I would be terrified to take him to London. He is so happy where he is. I cant take him to live in a huge city like that. I want to keep him where he is until my contract ends. My mum says I'm being ridiculous but that's just how I feel 😪 I feel completely stuck.

OP posts:

0live · 09/09/2022 21:47

I’d feel angry with him too.

You have prioritised your job and he has done the same.

You are paying your own living costs in London and also towards his . And yet he’s not grateful for your money and your support. Instead he is angry with you for not giving him even more money, organising his life and paying his bills.

I see his diet is also your responsibility too.

I really can’t see what’s in this for you. He’s selfish and a drain on you, financially and emotionally.

I think it’s run it’s course and you need to end it.

0live · 09/09/2022 21:49

And no, you can’t string this man along for 6 months so he can look after your cat. That’s just using him and it’s not fair.

Are you really going to pretend to be a couple, have sex with him etc for half a year, when you know you are about to dump him ? Seriously?

Original poster

PanicButton1 · 09/09/2022 21:52

I just wanted him to fucking step up for the duration of this contract. He is 40 fucking years old.

I said: well, just shut it all down, deal with your debts calmly one by one by calling the relevant people, and use one of your (many) local connections to get salaried work. He said he was never going back into salaried employment again. Okay....

I said well, let's just move our lives down to London temporarily, we can find a town on a train line. He said he wasnt ready to move anywhere.

So what the fuck are you proposing then? Why is he making me feel guilty?

The rent for the house is £1000 and I give him £400. On top of that he now has to pay the bills and his various insurances. I said to him: even if we weren't together, you would need to pay £600 on a place for yourself. He said he would live in a cheaper place. I said that still wouldnt dissolve your debt problem.

God sorry guys, I know I'm ranting. He's gone to bed now, he says he feels like hes going to have a heart attack and is being sullen. I said we will go out somewhere on Monday (day off for him) and discuss what we will do for the future.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2022 21:54

You definitely know what you need to do, you're just avoiding it. You have outgrown him, plain and simple. This relationship was over when you took the job in London, unfortunately you didn't officially end it. His financial situation is not your responsibility or concern. End it and move on. You can do so much better.

Original poster

PanicButton1 · 09/09/2022 21:54

@0live
I know, it would feel manipulative to do that olive, I know you're right. But part of me now is thinking...well fucking hell, have I been used?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2022 21:55

Op, it's ok to end things, it really is. You are stuck because of your ridiculous misplaced guilt.

Original poster

PanicButton1 · 09/09/2022 21:55

@HoofWankingSpangleCunt
If you asked me (which you have!) I would say no, hes not manipulative. And yet I'm sitting here feeling deeply manipulated somehow

OP posts:

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 09/09/2022 21:56

I wouldn't worry now about whether you've been used or not, but I would move on. People shouldn't decide to do self employment just because they want to do it. It's got to be because it makes enough money to live on. He has the option of getting a full-time job and he isn't taking it, so I'd leave him to it now.

HappyintheHills · 09/09/2022 21:56

What would happen after 6 months for cat?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2022 21:57

PanicButton1 · 09/09/2022 21:55

@HoofWankingSpangleCunt
If you asked me (which you have!) I would say no, hes not manipulative. And yet I'm sitting here feeling deeply manipulated somehow

Good grief, op, he is being horribly manipulative. Anyone with eyes can see that. You're just in denial.

Original poster

PanicButton1 · 09/09/2022 21:59

@HappyintheHills
I would finish my contract in London and if this relationship is still fucked I would end it and move to a lower key city with the cat

OP posts:

RandomMess · 09/09/2022 22:06

He was quite happy for you to sub him being SE for YEARS, he's angry that you are no longer subbing him as much that's all.

Original poster

PanicButton1 · 09/09/2022 22:42

I feel so incredibly stressed and on edge. I feel really nervy and panicked. I'm going to bed now but thanks for hearing me out. I will need help to figure out what to do next. Sorry but I just feel so tired and drained, basically depleted of any inner strength and it's been that way for a while. He has massively disappointed me. I need to think what to do next.

OP posts:

GeorgiaGirl52 · 09/09/2022 22:53

Go back to London and finish your contract. Use that six months to find a place where your cat can live with you. Then finish with him, take the cat and move on with your life.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/09/2022 23:16

"DP has never been on top of his taxes and he has never brought much in. Now his work is completely falling to shit and he is really angry with me. He is insinuating I have put him in the financial shit (because I used to pay the lions share of our house and now contribute much less as I have my travel and room in london to pay for)."

Of course he's angry! He had a real sweet deal going there - he got to live where he wanted and get you to pay for it all. And for the avoidance of doubt - he is VERY manipulative. And he's been manipulating you for years to get what he wants out of you.

"I said we will go out somewhere on Monday (day off for him) and discuss what we will do for the future."
What do YOU want in your future? Have a really deep think about that, because I suspect what you want is a nice home in a nice place (NOT his town) where you and your cat can have a nice life. Do you really see him in your future? You shouldn't.

Best wishes OP.

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