Letting go of the anger advice from victims of domestic abuse

[Autumnchills415]

I had an 18 month relationship with a very complex messed up person. Very good at hiding things at first but over time alot happened. Without writing an essay there was financial abuse. Emotional abuse. Mental abuse. Gaslighting. Lying. Triangulation. Silent treatments. Anger outbursts and I was put in danger because I was thrown out in the night alot. I didn't live with him but because of his depression and struggles I supported him and put myself last. It was a mess and In March i couldn't take anymore so when he tried to punish me by blaming me but saying I could go down the following day for a chat I declined and said I was done.

I wasn't expecting him to be so vile but he blocked me everywhere the next day. Refused to respond via emails about his property he left with Me and didn't pay me back. I was left hurt and ignored and couldn't fully get closure as he moved in with a mate and I had no clue where. So I eventually sent his stuff to his family member and recieved a horrible email from him calling me a joke etc. His cousin who warned me of his behaviour when we met turned on me and has been saying to people

"did you know she stole his money and when he didn't want her she kept forcing him to take her money.

" she was creepily obsessed with his ex girlfriend , shes so so jealous of his ex and the fact he still speaks to her"

"She's held onto his things to try keep him and I told her he won't give you what you want"

These statements have messed me up. I paid for him to eat and live.

I went to the police a month ago because he waited until I posted his stuff and then said I was holding his passport hostage. This was infuriating as he's ignored all emails and said he didn't feel safe to collect them.

He sent me a final email saying I chased him round his house and stole cash out his kitchen. He never had money of his own so this never happened. This is a 49 year old man by the way.

I have had therapy and watched YouTube videos. I've really built my life back up. I was checking his social media abit recently as I was told he was moving away and hoped for evidence of this as my anxiety is through the roof. He's unblocked and re added several women he told me were weirdos, crazy or messaging him. He's behaving so dark and shady and I feel like nobody can see it.

I'm struggling to heal this final bit of anger/pain. It's like there's just no closure. I know I won't get it from him. I dont love him. I dont need him. I dont want him. But I'm devastated for how much he played me used me and conned me. I'm devastated I protected him and paid for him and he now has nothing but hate towards me. I know I didn't deserve it. I now have learned alot about myself and I'm stronger. But I want to wake up just one day and not have to think about him or go over the heartache. I bounce through disbelief remembering the kind side of him then anger remembering the cruel side and how I kept fighting for our relationship when he was giving me nothing.

Has anyone got any further suggestions. What more can I do? I've massively moved on I'm happy in so many ways. I'm busy. But when I get to bed at night I just fall into my thoughts

Sorry its long. I need help.

Get off his social media, and block him everywhere. You say you are over him, but youre not if you want 'closure'. You won't get any, so forget it, forget him.

Fake it til you make it, as they say.

If only it was that sime to get over it. I'm not over it but I'm over the idea of him.its complicated.

I have blocked him 3 days ago now so I'm not looking now as he's clearly still living locally. Just hate how I feel.

I’m sure if you go online you will be able to find something written by professionals.

im going through something a little similar, but my husband is nowhere as awful as your ex.

Perhaps try the following. Write down all the terrible things that he said and did. Include all the other bad stuff people have said and done, so a sort of brain dump.

When you find yourself dwelling on some aspect, stop and say to yourself ‘I won’t think about this now’ and make yourself think about something else that’s good and positive. Sometimes it’s suggested to just allow yourself a 15 minute period everyday to think about him.

I’m ending a long marriage and therapy has made me re-evaluate a lot of my husbands behaviour. He tied my head in knots but I now realise it was emotional abuse.

I know I keep going over his behaviour as a way of justifying my feelings and behaviour towards him, and in my case to justify my feelings of guilt. I also want to tell people what an arse he is, but I know it won’t make a difference.

Time will help. Best of luck.

Thank you for your reply and I'm sorry your going through your own situation. It's hard regardless isn't it. Especially when behavior took place that wasn't Loving and healthy.

I've kept a journal and I keep trying to acknowledge how I feel and write it down. I'm probably doing that twice a week now. Its like I already understand he's not normal or functioning as an adult should. He's been cut off my his parents and sisters. His sons are now also not talking to him. So I know he's not normal. Rather than be good to his family and partners he wastes his life looking for new ladies to talk too. He's chasing after his brothers ex wife etc. He has no limit when it comes to women. He's awful and he's hurt so many people. I just have been left with so much pain from how he has left things. I spent most nights with him and was dropped overnight like I never existed. Just 2 days before we split he said I was his world. Its just so hard.

I just wake up every morning and he comes straight into my mind. I say to myself no no don't think about him you don't need to. But then I think it's too late and that starts my day off negative again