Hello, this is my first post here. I've read the stately homes threads and am doing alot of work on myself but at the moment I'm having a crisis because my mother is now elderly, is very ill due to her avoiding the doctors for 3 years and my father is still being an absolute c*nt to me. It's brought back literally all my childhood pain and I wanted to get it off my chest. Please don't read it all if you are feeling down, it's me just venting <3 I will come back and read comments I promise even though it's really stressful to admit all this stuff. It feels better to keep it all stuffed inside and pretend to yourself your parents are nice and love you isn't it? Also i want people to KNOW what my father is like, I cannot name him, but I just can't keep this all in anymore.
These are my family memories :(
Being 5 or 6 and Mum telling me she can't cope with me and crying she'll have to put me in care or she'll kill me.
Dad comforting me saying he won't let that happen and that Mum is bad for telling me that.
Next day they switch over and Dad is off with me and Mum is all over me like a rash.
They would often switch like this to the point I didn't know which one would be nice to me on any given day.
Sometimes I would play up to this but I was a child reacting to fucked up parenting.
Long silences between them and Mum or Dad disinterested in playing or talking just sitting there.
Dad hated playing or tickle games he would get very angry if I tried to jump on him as a child.
I was always scared of him.
There was always a feeling of dark menace between both my parents, like they didn't like each other that much and certainly didn't seem to like me most of the time.
My younger brother became desperately ill as a baby and I hardly saw my mother for months as she was in hospital with him.
I had to tag along in the summer hols to my dad's work and even when brother came home, mother wanted very little to do with me.
She tried to cuddle me once or twice but I didn't feel like cuddles as I had been rejected and she took that as a slight and that i'm not cuddly.
(this is not true, i am cuddly with ppl I really trust!).
Why not try and be fucking nicer to me ?
Try again and rebuild relationship, instead of her their irritation, bad behaviour and hatred brewed to the point I used to scream, 'I wish I'd never been born very regularly when I was 7 or 8.'
She would send me off with my dad regularly so she didn't have to deal with me but then complain she was jealous of me and dad being so 'close'.
I wanted to be liked by him so would relish helping with car fixing and diy stuff but if I meddled or did something wrong his mood would flip suddenly I would be shouted at without warning.
I once painted a model lorry that he was building slightly wrong and he went MENTAL at me and then gave me the silent treatment for what seemed like weeks.
THEN mum was my 'friend' again.
I didn't WANT to hang out with him, I was often feeling scared and just wanted my Mum who was ALWAYS sat there mollycoddling and cuddling my brother looking so happy all the time.
They both criiticized everything I did and I was NEVER praised for anything.
NOT ANYTHING.
I got knocked over by a car when i was 9 and i had to be in hosptal quite far from home for around 3 or 4 weeks.
My dad was the only one who drove and he would visit regularly but mum 'couldn't because she had my brother.
I mean she could have just come in the car with him but no, i was stuck with my dad when i wanted my mum.
I was left alone in that hospital for hours and hours as a child, i felt very alone.
When I was naughty Mum would send him up to my room to smack me if I'd been terrible.
Sometimes he would smack me sometimes he would just give me sweets instead because he thought she was in the wrong.
he said she was cold.
but he is even colder.
I was spoiled presents-wise and they would buy things for me and outwardly they were trying to act
like well to do people.
Mum would get so wound up with me she has sat on me several times on the ground (she was an obese 6foot 1 woman) and slapped me round the face screaming at me.
Every time I felt like I was going to die.
A few hours later it was like the violence didn;t happen, everything was back to 'normal' and everyone acting 'fine'.
Except me.
No wonder I ddn't feel like 'behaving'.
No one ever admitted what they did wrong except my mum said she did regret leaving me so much when i was a child but my dad has always maintained i have to take full responsibility for the (bad) way i turned out and not blame the parents!
One night after a long day of me answering back, at 11, my mum sent my dad to my room and he started shouting uncontrollably at me.
He pushed his 6foot 4 body on top of me whilst i was in bed screaming and spitting in my face to turn over and he laid on top of me, his full weighit on me, shouting in my face.
i have a vague memory of him telling me not to struggle and i think something was happening with my nightdress but it is VERY blurry so i don't know if that bit is a false memory.
i was very scared and couldn't breathe, terrified.
I don;t remember anything sexual happening but I remember being EXTREMELY wary of my father going forward and felt unsafe around him like he might do something sexual to me.
this wariness has never gone and i never let my daughters be alone with him because of it.
Years before he would insist that I didn't wear knickers in bed under my nightdress as that would be 'unhygienic'.
My mother never wore underwear.
It's so weird how he would enforce this.
Like what the FUCK business did he have deciding whether his daughter wears underwear or not?
The whole thing is weird.
He also used to perve over my teenage friends boobs if they were 'big girls'.
he would remark often on big breasted females of all ages .
he was a nasty sick mysogynistic cunt and was always rude to mum and me.
I hate him with a vehemence i cannot quite fully express.
They let me have inapporpriate relationships with boys/men, citing letting me make my own mistakes in life.
What at 13, 14, 15 ?
Nah.
Terrible parents.
They never praised, only critisied and by the time I was a teenager I had picked up an abusive boyfriend, developed anorexia, panic attacks, was bullied extensively at school and at home in the local area, bulimia, school avoidan, agoraphobia and had a traumatic miscarriage at 15.
Anything I had worries about school or bullying worries mum couldn;t be bothered and told me to just get on with it like she had to.
Dad would try and help, he can actually be good at empathy sometimes which only serves to confuse when he flips over to bad moods and silent treatment.
I started my family at 18 and they told me i'd ruined my life, even when my kids were 6 and 4 , dad still continuously mentioning how i stole a piece of jewellery off mum once (wrong i know)
when i was 14 and at the height of serious mental health difficulties.
he STILL would go on about what a bad person i was in front of my kids.
I lost it with him and didn't see them for over 6 weeks. i wish i'd never seen them again, because what I've been doing ever since, is engaging in the cycle of me trying to be nice and having a relationship with them and dad being a cunt to me whenever he felt like it, making it hard for me to have a good relationship with my mum.
But they kept giving me money to help with the kids so i just kept coming back for more.
What i fucking wanted was their proper love which they were really actually incapable of.
They always saw the bad in me and everyone else.
When he retired i rarely saw mum on her own
and every time i met them, he wanted to talk over me, scoff anything i say, ignore, silent treatment, tell lies, repeat stories, lies, you name it, whatever mood he was in, i was subjected to it.
1 out of 4 visits would go okay without negativity and i would feel good but then the next time, inexplicably it would be shit again.
I always felt i couldn’t please them and i always tried to impress them.
But i learned that the only thing that can impress them was my brother.
And he played up to that, of course he did.
We’ve talked about this and he understands more now but i still find it difficult to trust his motives and have visions of him secretly rubbing his hands with glee every time im the bad one again.
I noticed that parents were trying to make out my eldest child as the scapegoat and youngest as golden child, like they had me and my brother. Once i recognised this tendency i realised i was doiing it as well. I felt so ashamed that i have talked to my eldest child and explained that i was wrong and i’m sorry and now i understand that i couldn;t cope with some of her challenging behaviour (she has high functioning autism) and that it was NONE of her fault and that I love her.
We have a very good relationship.
I have protected both my children and their excellent
characters from my parents and i treat my children exactly the same, with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND ADORATION AND POSITIVITY.
My children are adults now and have witnessed the way my now elderly father treats me.
They know he;s a cunt.
We now all feel sorry for my mum as we believe she has autism too and has been vulnerable to this monster.
I’ve watched my father belittle and ridicule my mother whilst she’s struggled with ill health.
She has resisted doctors due to anxiety and I’ve seen bruises on her neck that look like finger marks.
I know he put his hands around my neck so there’s absolutely NOTHING stopping him doing it to her.
My brother and i have a better relationship now, but he still thinks too highly of dad but also wonders if mum is safe with him.
Mum now tells me she loves me. She never used to .
She has been in hospital with cancer and dad refused to make her go to the hospital when she looks as though she would die.
It was me who said she looked ill, it was me who sounded the alarm to get her help and it was me who was told to butt out and leave her alone.
And now she has cancer.
Dad has not kept me fully informed of her diagnosis but my brother has told me she is having an operation to treat so it could be possible.
I frequently cry and want to kill myself as the pain of having to deal with my dad when all i want to do is see my mum without his galring horrible negative face making ne feel like im going to have a panic attack.
My mum is the enabler i know that.
But i know she loves me and she struggles with her ways which we put down to autism (there is alot of autism on my mums side).
She also had an abusive mother and lost her dad at 19.
So she was vulnerable to my dad and has completely relied on mhim financially ever since because she cannot work due to her mental health.
It’s a jumble i know.
I just want my mum to get better and my dad to be nice that is all.
I’m 45 and I want to go no contact with my father but how do i do that when he is so involved with my mother’s care?
I hate him.