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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex changing the narrative and I feel scared and anxious about what’s to come

21 replies

Ellenle · 09/09/2022 09:58

I didn’t know where to post as didn’t get many replies in chat. Hope ok to post here. Basically a year ago, I posted on mumsnrt about awful treatment from dp. Nothing physical but from what I posted all posters said the behaviour was at best unkind and at worst abusive.

i was pregnant at the time and very scared for the baby as I was so stressed. I have a lot of medical records with midwives where I think these issues were noted - at least I hope so as I feel I might need them now. There was one instance early in pregnancy where a neighbour called police as they heard him and he was arrested. I didn’t make a statement in the end as I felt it was an argument that got out of hand and although he snatched my phone nothing too bad happened.

a couple of months later he was done for drink driving. Alongside all of this he was really quite nasty to me and I would often text him awful stuff when he was at work as I just felt so hurt by him. Alongside this though I did try my best to get him help and begged him to talk to family and friends etc. Tried to book a holiday etc

anyway we broke up in my last trimester and I spent literally 8 weeks begging him to talk, to be a family, saying I was sorry, saying could we at least talk about the baby and make plans for them if we stay separated. He has all this in texts etc.

I didn’t hear from him after having dc and I decided to stay away as I couldn’t cope with it all and realised actually how nasty he was.

he’s recently got in touch wanting to talk as I made a claim to cms and he wants to talk about arrangements between us. He’s said I was mental in the relationship and that ‘I must know I was in the wrong as I spent two months wanting him back.’ He’s said he is tempted to take my texts to the police as I was so nasty to him (the nasty texts not the later ones begging to speak).

I feel so confused as at the time I did wonder if I was in the wrong but obviously now I have reflected I know what he was doing wasn’t right. But he has all these begging messages so who will believe that I was scared and worried around him? Basically nobody will they. So if he goes to police I will look like the nasty one and I will look so unhinged. I’m so stressed. Sorry for rambling have a 9 month old trying to grab phone. Xx

OP posts:
Maunderingdrunkenly · 09/09/2022 10:02

Mate he has fried your head.
ignore and block he’s a fruit loop
if he went to the police they’d look into him as an abuser and you as a victim.
don’t worry about anything he says - he’ll say anything at this point to head fuck you more.
dont engage with him, there is no need to discuss the relationship with him any more, just go through cms.
he’s concerned about giving you money not anything else, don’t let him rattle you

DenholmElliot1 · 09/09/2022 10:02

Do you think he means it? Or do you think he's just saying it to upset you.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 09/09/2022 10:03

And you probably weren’t mental, you’re a normal person at the end of your tether probably after being treated like shit for ages.
not the same thing

napody · 09/09/2022 10:06

Maunderingdrunkenly · 09/09/2022 10:02

Mate he has fried your head.
ignore and block he’s a fruit loop
if he went to the police they’d look into him as an abuser and you as a victim.
don’t worry about anything he says - he’ll say anything at this point to head fuck you more.
dont engage with him, there is no need to discuss the relationship with him any more, just go through cms.
he’s concerned about giving you money not anything else, don’t let him rattle you

This.
Is he threatening to fight for access? Nothing for 9 months then as soon as you put in a claim he starts up? Doesn't look great on him, and very unlikely he would step up in any way anyway. It sounds as if he's just trying to intimidate you.

Original poster
Ellenle · 09/09/2022 10:17

I am not sure where it’s come from but when I replied at first saying this was out of the blue he said he had been scared to be in touch with me because of my behaviour… it’s just crazy as now I KNOW now what he was doing. I know how much turmoil he caused me and I hate him for it. But this is the narrative he’s taken on?!

also he won’t actually say if he wants to see dc, he just says ‘he has rights.’ So I don’t even know what he’s planning.

OP posts:
youagainomg · 09/09/2022 10:20

Ignore any communication and let him take you to court for access to the child. Does your baby have your surname? Has the baby been registered without him on the bc?

Maunderingdrunkenly · 09/09/2022 10:21

Ignore everything until he says something firm like, I’ll have the DC every other Saturday or similar.
His responsibilities toward the dc are more important than his ‘rights’.
get the cms as a priority.
stop engaging and stop trying to get him to see the ‘truth’ it won’t work and he’s batshit.
you know what went on, and that’s all that matters.

Fitzfatsfeist · 09/09/2022 10:28

He doesn't have rights. The child has rights, but the parents have responsibilities. Unless he steps up to his responsibilities to be a good and stable parent and do what is best for your dc (and that includes treating you well) then he can get lost.

Original poster
Ellenle · 09/09/2022 10:43

I’m worried want he would do if he went to court? Would it cost him? Would I have to attend?

I would prefer him to just say can I see them on x day…. Which I would agree to. But when he won’t say it’s hard.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 09/09/2022 10:53

He's trying to scare you Op so you'll back off from the cms claim.Don't let him worry you, get your claim in, your DC has a right to be provided for

Original poster
Ellenle · 09/09/2022 11:00

What if he goes to police though? He clearly doesn’t think he’s in the wrong at all

OP posts:
Yankeedoodlekandle · 09/09/2022 11:03

Ellenle · 09/09/2022 11:00

What if he goes to police though? He clearly doesn’t think he’s in the wrong at all

What's he going to tell the police? That you sent him some nasty text messages a few months ago and you haven't bothered him since? That's not something the police would care about.

He's only arsed because you've gone to CMS. Block his number and if he wants to have contact with his child he can arrange it through the courts.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/09/2022 11:04

Ellenle · 09/09/2022 11:00

What if he goes to police though? He clearly doesn’t think he’s in the wrong at all

They will laugh in his face.

He has a conviction for drink driving and they previously had to attend because he was abusive to you. They've got his measure.

Just block him and go through CMS. Hold your nerve.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 09/09/2022 11:15

I know it's hard but do try not to worry. Abusive and controlling men often threaten to go for rights over their children but it seldom comes to anything because they don't actually want time with their children. And the police will have zero interest in your texts. Plus they have a record of his behaviour while you were pregnant.

And can he actually afford a legal battle? If he consults a solicitor he will be warned that he's unlikely to get anywhere - DV, deserting his baby in a matter of months... Plus those texts probably aren't the seamless win he assumes.

Might be worth pointing out you were sharing your stress with your midwives and this will be in your health records. He hasn't a hope. If he seriously wants to see his child later on he will only get it if it's in the child's best interests.

KangarooKenny · 09/09/2022 11:17

Is he named on the birth certificate ?

magaluf1999 · 09/09/2022 11:20

The polite will tell him that relationship problems and break ups however difficult are not a police matter.

Which they are not.

He's just trying to spook you.

You need maintenance so are following the process.

He wants to exercise his rights
Whatever that means-so let him. Id say nothing more until he either takes you to court or makes a specific or reasonable request.

What he believes happens and what you believe happened do not have to be the same. It doesn't really matter.

Just remember the police, the courts,
Social services-everyone. Have seen all of this before and far far worse. Nothing that happened will suprise them or will undo that you have single handedly and without financial support given birth and raised your child for almost the first year of its life. And that they clean and well fed and safe and loved. Thats ALL they care about.

Original poster
Ellenle · 09/09/2022 11:20

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation ah I didn’t think they would look at a previous arrest or charge. I guess if they do that they already have some context. So stressful though.

the ridiculous part to all this is that I am not a nasty person, I would simply have been amicable but he didn’t want to be

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 09/09/2022 11:42

Ellenle · 09/09/2022 11:00

What if he goes to police though? He clearly doesn’t think he’s in the wrong at all

Abusers never, ever see themselves as being in the wrong. They will always play the victim and rewrite history to portray themselves as such.
It takes a long time to heal from such a relationship. The manipulation, gaslighting, fear etc. It messes with you mentally and emotionally.
If you are going to contact him for anything always make sure you have records such as emails or texts, never speak to him on the phone otherwise he will twist everything you say. When texting always write a text like it will be read by a judge in court. Only discuss things related to the child such as maintenance or if it comes down to it contact. Another thing is don’t let him have multiple routes of contacting you if he is likely to bombard you with messages.
Don’t bring up the past he will never admit any wrongdoing so it will get you nowhere.

felulageller · 09/09/2022 12:00

This is more abuse this is awful.

J0y · 09/09/2022 12:12

I understand why he has riled you but his narrative won't trump a police report.

J0y · 09/09/2022 12:13

Good advice to write all comms like they could be read out by a judge.

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