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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have a crush and idk what to do

18 replies

OngoingCrisis · 09/09/2022 00:05

I feel like a teenager again (I'm 23). I feel overwhelmed, perplexed, flabbergasted, excited... you get the picture. It's so unusual. It's only been two dates (third one coming soon) and I like him already. Is it too soon? 😭 I say it's unusual as I'm used to dating guys that just want to nitpick, fight and generally be chaotic but this guy seems different (so far). He's funny, sweet has a lovely smile, is generous and I'm just not used to it. I'm not used to guys paying for things for me.

Mini story time- My ex found a free valentines card online and the only fee was shipping which was 70p and he texted me to ask for the 70p. Not so generous lmao.

I'm scared of getting my hopes up or getting attached so I'm trying my best to stay neutral.

I'm not really sure what I want from this post. Maybe just some advice on how to manage all of these feelings. Are they even rational? And apologies if it's all over the place 🥲

OP posts:
Twawmyarse · 09/09/2022 00:19

My advice to you would be: be cool!

You say I say it's unusual as I'm used to dating guys that just want to nitpick, fight and generally be chaotic but this guy seems different (so far but you literally don't know this guy - you've been on 2 dates! Did you think the other blokes were nice guys at first?

Its lovely that you're feeling those early- days flutters - but that's lust, not love - it's your hormones flowing!

Just take it slow..you're nowt but a babe, no rush ok?

LHReturns · 09/09/2022 00:22

Do you think he knows you are feeling this way?

EmmaH2022 · 09/09/2022 00:26

OP "I say it's unusual as I'm used to dating guys that just want to nitpick, fight and generally be chaotic but this guy seems different (so far)."

that seems to be a weird trend atm. I'd say you are feeling how people normally feel when they really like someone they are dating.

Namechange85 · 09/09/2022 00:56

OP if it makes you feel any better I am almost double your age, started speaking to a man in June and can now think of little else! I think about him when I wake up and as I go to sleep, and most of the day in between. It's utterly ridiculous, I feel like, as you say, a teenager 🙈.
I have developed feelings way too soon I know that.....he likes me but definitely doesn't feel the way I do, I can just tell.
I'm tempted to run before I go any deeper and get hurt if I'm honest.
If like me you're falling too quickly, there's little you can do about it!

Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 09/09/2022 08:33

@Twawmyarse I know it's only been two dates, I think That's why I'm so overwhelmed (and a bit annoyed at myself) 😭 with other dates I've had in the past I've noticed reg flags right away but not this time (maybe not yet anyway). Ugh you're right I need to just be cool and slow down

OP posts:
Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 09/09/2022 08:34

@LHReturns absolutely not... I hope

OP posts:
Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 09/09/2022 08:36

@Namechange85 I feel like I can relate to this to a degree and it's comforting to know that it's not just me who gets like this. Part of me wants to pull away a little bit but I have a habit of becoming distant when things seem to be good

OP posts:
Namechange85 · 09/09/2022 08:57

OngoingCrisis · 09/09/2022 08:36

@Namechange85 I feel like I can relate to this to a degree and it's comforting to know that it's not just me who gets like this. Part of me wants to pull away a little bit but I have a habit of becoming distant when things seem to be good

@OngoingCrisis depending on past experience I think it's natural to want to protect yourself. It's a fine line between not falling too deeply too quickly, and putting a guard up to not let anyone in. I'm figuring it out after being married and with my STBXH for 21 years.

Although we've spoken for over 3 months we've actually only seen each other a handful of times, and can really only say we've had maybe 3 proper dates where we've had quality time together. So it's very strange to feel such strong feelings!

Watchkeys · 09/09/2022 08:57

Maybe just some advice on how to manage all of these feelings. Are they even rational

Feelings aren't rational. They're not supposed to be, they're not designed to be. They're nothing to do with rationality. It's like saying 'Is my car enough like an orange?' They're just totally different and not comparable.

Your job, as an adult, is to shepherd your feelings in a way that feels safe for you. You are responsible for them. That doesn't mean that you can switch them on and off, but it does mean that you are the one who gets to decide what to do with them and what environments to put them in. You are the one who gets to decide whether to put them in places/with people where they are respected. You are the one who decides whether you respect your feelings.

I'm scared of getting my hopes up or getting attached so I'm trying my best to stay neutral

So here's one you can start on, right now. 'I'm scared of' means that your feelings are telling you to be wary. Always look at your feelings, be they rational or not, and work out what their message is. So if you want to poke someone's eyes out, obviously you're not going to do that, but the message in that feeling is clear: you don't feel good around that person, and staying away from things that don't feel good is your responsibility to yourself. Scared means 'pull back'. Scared means there's a risk if you keep going as you are. Scared means change something so that you feel safe. So currently you're trying to 'stay neutral', which is basically an attempt to surpress your emotions; that's not healthy. Trying really hard not to have a feeling is a denial of yourself. What else could you do to make sure your feelings for this guy don't take over your world?

EmmaH2022 · 09/09/2022 10:08

Watchkeys "Scared means 'pull back"

I'd never get anything done at all if I did that.

Watchkeys · 09/09/2022 10:12

EmmaH2022 · 09/09/2022 10:08

Watchkeys "Scared means 'pull back"

I'd never get anything done at all if I did that.

Well, you have to do what respects yourself, so if you're scared to the point that it's ruining your life, you have to look at how to move forward healthily. OP is scared of her feelings for a man she's met twice. It won't spoil anything if she pulls back. It's not like being scared of crossing the road or being scared of a job interview.

Watchkeys · 09/09/2022 10:14

Also @EmmaH2022 if fear is such a feature in your life, you need to get that looked into. It's not a good basis from which to give advice to others. It'd be like someone with Crohns disease telling someone healthy to just deal with living with digestive pain, because they do it themselves.

EmmaH2022 · 09/09/2022 10:18

Watchkeys · 09/09/2022 10:14

Also @EmmaH2022 if fear is such a feature in your life, you need to get that looked into. It's not a good basis from which to give advice to others. It'd be like someone with Crohns disease telling someone healthy to just deal with living with digestive pain, because they do it themselves.

This made me lol.

Jokes aside, I've been in treatment for A&D for 20+ years so I don't have those feelings any more but if I hadn't got past "scared" in the past, I really wouldn't have done anything.

I'm not very romantic, but if someone pulls back from me, I just assume "not interested".

Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 09/09/2022 12:39

Thank you for your advice guys, I've read each reply and will take it on board. I'm just going to be calm and try to understand my feelings

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 09/09/2022 13:12

So should we just over ride fear then, in your opinion, @EmmaH2022 ? And if not, what's you're advice?

FrozenGhost · 09/09/2022 13:35

Just enjoy OP. You have a crush on someone who is available, you are dating and that seems nice/normal. Thats the dream isn't it?

EmmaH2022 · 09/09/2022 17:26

Watchkeys · 09/09/2022 13:12

So should we just over ride fear then, in your opinion, @EmmaH2022 ? And if not, what's you're advice?

Blimey
should have kept quiet
feels like an exam

OP I hope you don’t feel I spoke out of turn

I try to see if fear is instinctive and see what might be gained or lost by ignoring it. Someone following you along a dark road is a lot different to being scared of applying for a promotion.

but my starting point here was that I think OP feelings sound normal for when you really really like someone. And to that end, she might just want to go with the flow or risk looking like she lost interest.

But I’m 20 years older so the cultural and relationship landscape was a different planet when I was seeing guys.

Watchkeys · 09/09/2022 17:57

Blimey
should have kept quiet
feels like an exam

No need for this. It was just a couple of questions asking you to elaborate.

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