Have I done the right thing?

[Jinglejangle22]

About 4 months ago, I split up with my partner. He didn’t want anymore kids and I don’t have any, I’m mid 30s and didn’t want someone else to make that decision for me. I went with my gut to not shut that door and give myself a chance of having my own family and I left our home, our life, our pets. It was horrible. I thought by now we would have started to untangle and move on but we can’t seem to let go. We are in contact all the time and I still feel such a strong connection to him but then if I think of getting back together I realise I can’t do that either due to the reason we split up so I feel ….stuck. We get along great, and he’s like the male version of me but this is just one thing we can’t compromise on. He doesn’t want anymore kids. And I don’t want to resign myself to no kids whilst I still have a few years left in my window. But how can I meet someone else when I still have feelings for my ex? How do I move on from someone I love? Has anyone left someone they love over different future wants and how did it pan out? I can’t imagine being with someone else I click with as much as him but then I also can’t imagine getting back with with my ex and not resenting him. I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation and don’t know how to get out of this hole!!

If you want to be a mum you’ve done the right thing. You won’t begin to start getting over him and meeting someone else unless you actively start the process which you know means cutting contact, stopping the chatting and being friends and physically, mentally and emotionally moving on.

He’s still taking up loads of your time and energy which seems a waste once you’ve done the shit part of acknowledging you’re incompatible, being honest about it, splitting up, moving out and losing everything you walked away from.

@AnneLovesGilbert I know, I thought leaving would have been the worst part but I think the high level of contact is our way of dealing with it. The love hadn’t gone when the relationship ended so in one way it’s been easier and softened the blow of moving out by keeping that contact but then it’s also stopping me moving on.

I think you need to cut contact if you decide you want to have children. He isn’t going to change his mind and your question is can you change what you want? If the answer is no cut contact and start to build a life for yourself with some new hobbies etc. You will eventually get over him but not whilst you’re still in such close contact. Believe me I know, I’ve been split from my ex for 11yrs and we are still in constant contact. We are thinking of giving it another go.

Well if he was ever going to change his mind you are postponing the process.

no baby no jingle jangle. End of

make him feel the split

why doesn’t he want children?

@Darbs76 have neither of you met anyone else in that time? I know cutting contact is what’s needed but I just love having him in my life. @Quitelikeit why postponing it? He has grown up kids and doesn’t want anymore. He’s early 40s and doesn’t want to start over again.

Not until recently - he told me he had met someone else recently and I was devastated. So much more than I ever expected. We had already planned a holiday with our children so I had to spent 2wks with him and after a big argument about something else it all came out. He hurt me deeply 11yrs ago, not an affair but something I’ve never thought I could forgive. But I want to give it another go as I do still love him and the thought of him with someone else broke me. It’s difficult as he’s currently working away until next year, so we haven’t had the time to talk it all through yet. We couldn’t cut all contact due to our children, I think sometimes that’s the only way though

@Darbs76 it must be so much harder when kids are involved as like you say there will always be that tie. I feel sick at the thought of my ex meeting someone else too but at the same time I know that would give me the push I need. I just wonder if I’ve made the right decision as I can’t force myself to meet & like someone else but if I don’t try then what was the point in me leaving? I feel like I just keep going round and round in circles in my head.

No contact. None whatsoever.

If you don't, you'll drift through your childbearing years and regret it when he meets someone else.

You definitely did the right thing! I would have done exactly the same in your position. Having children is absolutely life changing and deeply meaningful like nothing else I've ever experienced. I think it's good that you went with your gut and did not let him take that away from you. Just take one day and one step at a time now. You will untangle yourself from him in time. Be kind and patient with yourself :-)

You will in time get over him and meet someone else, I’m sure. It’s just hard to imagine at this moment. It’s going to be so much harder with him still in your life though. It’s a hard step but I think stepping away from being around him for a while will be good for you. So hard to do but stay strong. Wishing you all the best

You need to go no contact. You're still wasting time which was the whole point of ending it

You haven't actually ended it.

End it properly give yourself a chance to meet someone else and have kids.

You’ve 100% done the right thing. Don’t waste your fertile years on someone who doesn’t want what you want. You can’t sacrifice your desire to be a mum for a man.

sadly the only way to get over him will be to cut contact - even if only temporarily. I know how hard it is. I split with someone I loved deeply at the end of last year. I didn’t see or speak to him for 6 months and I still cried every single day. I foolishly got back in touch at that point and then had to deal with losing him all over again, so all in all it’s been about 9 months but I’m finally over him, dating again and can see happiness in my future without him.

I'm lucky that I don’t have the biological clock issue as I had DCs with my previous partner before him, but if children had been dependent on me letting him go, I’d have had to do it too. I wouldn’t be without my kids for anything and no man will ever match up to the love I have for them. Even if you have to do it alone with a donor, don’t let him ruin your chance to be a mum by keeping you entangled. You need to make space for the next man by moving this one out of your head and heart, building yourself up so that you’re happy and fulfilled without him and then you’ll be a in a better place to move on.

I couldn’t imagine being here a few months ago, I was honestly at a point where I wished I could just die I was so low.

Now thanks to time, patience and anti depressants I’m feeling positive about the future and finding someone else to love and cherish. (I have two dates next week - both with absolute hotties!). You can do this but you will need to do the hard bit first and let him go

Promise yourself one full month of absolutely no contact at all- delete all his numbers and social media. Then also in that month join new clubs, get on dating apps, see groups of friends- throw yourself into the social life that is going to allow you to meet someone else. Give it your all for a whole month.
After that you might have a clearer idea of where you are and what you actually want.

Right now you have supposedly ended it to be able to have children whilst fertile and yet you are still wasting that time. You are losing both ways.

Stop all contact, be kind to yourself, heal and when you are ready start to date again. Nothing will happen if you keep up this pseudo relationship you both seem to be entering into. Do it now before he finds someone else and it will feel ten times worse than you are now.

Thank you everyone. I know we need to break contact. In all honesty I thought when I left the contact would naturally fizzle out but if anything it’s probably made us cling onto each other even more.

He’s actually being really selfish - he needs to let you go so that you can start to recover from him and find someone to have children with.

i think he’s let me go so he’s not the one to stop me having kids but maybe thinks if the connection is still there I might come back but then that’s my decision. I just feel confused about everything right now 😞

Deep down OP, what do you want more? The urge to have children must have been pretty strong for you to have split up in the first place.
You are now wasting time pining and contacting a man that won't give you what you want from life! Stop it!
None of us know how many fertile years we have but we all know they are not infinite, is he worth risking not becoming a mother for....I very much doubt it.

I agree with this. He has his own children and now he won't let you go so that you can start again with someone else. He's just selfish.

@ThinkingForEveryone I obviously felt I wanted a chance to have my own family more than I wanted to stay with him and writing off any chance. But the reality of letting go and moving onto someone else is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I also can’t picture it happening that Mr right who wants kids is going to pop up anytime soon. I guess I just needed a push by posting on here.

OP, you want children and he is stopping you.

Think of 10 years’ time.

Will you be living a different life, perhaps with another partner, centred on your child/ren, building a future with them and maybe grandchildren to come? Coping with the ups and downs of parenthood?

Or will you be with your ex, maybe enjoying the same things you enjoy together now or maybe moving on to other things, living in the moment and closing your mind to the path you didn’t take? Or maybe having split up with him, but too late to get pregnant?

The choice is yours. Of course you can’t be certain you’ll be able to have a child, but your chances now are the highest they’re ever going to be.

You love him now, but you may come to resent him bitterly. And that might end your relationship anyway.

Also, plenty of women choose single motherhood in their 30s. There are threads on here about it.

I agree.