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Original poster

Thoughts of past loves

12 replies

TwoOwls · 08/09/2022 14:42

I can’t stop thinking about a guy I used to be madly in love with in my younger years.

Nothing much really happened between us apart from a few clandestine hook ups and a meeting almost a decade later where things were left on a sour note.

I never really thought about him again and got on with my life but since having a baby and having to deal with the upheaval that causes, I’ve starting thinking about him pretty constantly. It started with a few dreams and now this. I’ve started trying to find him on social media which feels very risky to me as I don’t want to open up any can of worms but I’m curious.

I’m in a happy relationship and wouldn’t change it for the world so not sure what to do with these thoughts. Do I need closure?

Has this happened to anyone else and how did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Blueberrywitch · 08/09/2022 14:48

I think it’s important to see this as a symptom of what you’re feeling in your life (big upheaval, maybe less romance due to baby, slight urge to escape) rather than anything in particular about this ex love.

For what it’s worth, I did try again with all my former loves after a divorce and they were all not right for the exact reasons they didn’t work the first time around! But it was nice to have the closure - except for perhaps being a colossal waste of everyone’s time lol. But I very much get the appeal.

Maybe if you could find him on fb it would be good as you would realise the reality and it would nip the day dreaming in the bud.

I would instead though try to focus on the here and now, and be conscious of your current partner, make sure you’re making eye contact and connecting and making time for the two of you.

OrangeFlowersAreLovely · 08/09/2022 14:54

Sorry can't help. All my ex "loves" are first class cunts!

Mindymomo · 08/09/2022 14:55

It’s probably your hormones still not settled down after birth.

sagalooshoe · 08/09/2022 14:59

My first boyfriend and I met at 16 and were together 8 years then went our separate ways. If I'd realised then that he'd be far and away the best at sex out of all my future partners I'd have clung on to that one. Gutted!

Twawmyarse · 08/09/2022 15:07

You're going through a tiring, stressful time and are thinking back to the halcyon days when you were young and free and had no responsibilities. It's normal.

I wouldn't try to find him, no - what's going to come of it? How would you feel if your dh was contacting an ex gf? Leave it in the past as a nice memory.

mightbeyesmightbeno · 08/09/2022 15:14

@TwoOwls I know how you feel. I met a guy about 18 years ago now when I was late teens/early 20's and we had sparks like I've never known. We worked together, but he was from abroad and went back about a year after we met. We dated for a bit long distance and I visited him / his home / his family for a month at a time about 5-6 times. We always had such a connection. But eventually distance got the better of us (12 hour flight), and despite considering one of us to move it just didn't pan out.

Saw him about 5 years ago when visiting his home country with my now DH, and it felt so weird.

My thoughts about him have faded and I think about him less often. We haven't messaged in over a year now, and feelings have faded. But every now and again those feelings come flooding back to him and I remember the passion and desire that was there and wonder what ifs.

Hadn't thought about him for a while... until now .... thanks 😂😂

Original poster
TwoOwls · 08/09/2022 15:28

I do see what you are all saying and honestly, I never thought about this guy in any way other than fleetingly before having my kid so I know it’s probably down to that loss of freedom/ identity.

It’s just this feeling better of wanting to connect and seeing how he is and how he might still feel about me. I do realize that rocking boats would be disastrous and I wouldn’t do it but I can’t help wondering…

@mightbeyesmightbeno Yep, that flood of emotions are what is getting to me!

@Mindymomo my child is almost 2 so I thought those hormones would have been on the wane by now?

OP posts:
OldFan · 08/09/2022 15:30

Did you happen to watch Sex/Life on Netflix? I did and it effected me this way, often thinking about an ex. It was kind of damaging.

mightbeyesmightbeno · 08/09/2022 15:34

@TwoOwls strangely when I had my DD (just over 2 years ago), this was a time when I was thinking about him lots. A bit before I had her and then a few months after. Also put it down to the hormones. A massive change in my lifestyle, my longing for the kind of lifestyle that I had when I was with him.

Nothing against my DH at all, but a longing for what was.

Just checked my archived messages and last time I messaged / thought about him was March 2021, so am assuming feelings and hormones settled.

OldFan · 08/09/2022 15:40

In Sex/Life, it's just when she has her 2nd baby that the woman starts thinking about her ex. It's partly because during that time her life didn't have much sexual stuff going on at all, she's 'just' a mum.

Original poster
TwoOwls · 08/09/2022 16:15

@OldFan No, I haven’t but I’ve read about other shows that also explore this kind of what if/ alternative life situation and haven’t watched them as it might have been to close to the bone.

OP posts:
OldFan · 08/09/2022 16:48

Yep I don't think they're healthy. x

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