My partner - Jekyll and Hyde when Drinking Alcohol

[SaidAndDone22]

Hi all.

So my partner of 4 years becomes someone else when he's drinking. I'm trying to figure out if it's the amount he drinks or something in particular that flicks the switch within him. He will belittle me, bring things up that we've already previously discussed and settled, talk me vs his ex wife, get aggressive and extremely jealous for no reason - just wholly a nasty asshole. We've yet to have a night out where I'm not reduced to tears in public. It's humiliating to have strangers come to check I'm okay.

He is a million percent amazing the rest of the time but I'm clinging onto this relationship precariously.

I broached the subject following the latest incident (where we were on a night out on holiday abroad) and discussed the fact I love him, but not the other one. He's assured me he's 'trying to kill that one .... '

Does anyone have any advice or experience with this? Or could it be alcohol brings out somebody's truth?

Thank you

He needs to stop drinking and if he won't then you need to decide if you stay or leave

If you live together could you move out, only see him if he cuts down.

This I’m afraid. I have a good friend who is now teetotal for life as, in his words, “I’m an arsehole after three drinks but can’t stop at two”.

He will never change how he behaves when drunk. Ever. He will just choose to either keep doing it, or quit drinking. You can either choose to cry and be treated badly every time he drinks, or leave. I’m sorry, but I think that’s the sad truth.

He's not two people. Sober him chooses to drink. He's either an alcoholic, an arsehole or both. Time to let go if he can't quit completely.

That sounds horrible. I was described as Jekyll and Hyde by a friend when drinking (I don't drink now). For me it seemed to be repressed emotions which came out in my words and actions, normal repressed emotions like anger. It's complex because it's so individual... I got to a point where I realised I couldn't control myself or my alcohol intake, and I had to stop or I'd lose my relationship and my friends.

Is he ok if he has ‘a glass of wine’. Or ‘a beer’ but goes past a certain point with the drinking and Mr Arsehole comes out.

my partner could be like that occasionally when he drank to excess or was already tired etc within our first year together. we discussed it one day and he cut back on his intake since then.

He needs to identify the trigger. Accept this is in him. Take action to stop it.

My chap hasn’t ballsed up once since having the discussion as he know it’s on him and anything else is excuses.

Yup. My wonderful DP of 12 years is exactly like this. When he drinks 80% of the time he's happy, funny, relaxed; the other 20% he's an argumentative arsehole. You never know when the 20% guy will appear.

I told him he needed to stop drinking or lose me. He's not touched a drop for 8 years- except 2 beers for a mate's birthday.

My personality changes when I take a drink. Hence I am teetotal. Sober, I am kind, clever, warm and funny. Drunk, I am an arrogant cunt.

Sounds like your partner has the same problem. The only way I could change was to put the drink down. Some people manage by controlled drinking. Either way, he has an alcohol misuse disorder.

He treats you like shit. No one in your life should do this. He knows that he treats you appallingly when he drinks. When he is sober, he makes a decision to drink and abuse you.

As others have said, he needs to stop drinking. End of. If he doesn't, you need to leave.

I can't believe the difference in some people when they drink. Sometimes not even that much, but the change can be extraordinary and often very embarrassing. I've seen friends go from perfectly lovely, to utter arsehole after only a couple of glasses - getting increasingly loud, aggressive, repetitive and self obsessed. Some people really just shouldn't drink.

As the name suggests, I like a drink, but I'd give it up in a heart beat if anyone ever suggested I turned into any of the above when I drank.

How often does this happen OP?

And that was once only. He's found non alcohol beers he loves- Erdinger is the best- suggest he tries it.

There is nothing you can do to help him; you can only help yourself ultimately. You are not some rehab centre for him and nor should you act or be acting as such. I am certain people who know you actually wonder why on earth you've stayed with him. What are you still getting out of this relationship with him?. This is who he is and he is not going to change.

Stop clinging on to this (why are you doing this exactly?) and end this relationship with your drunkard partner before you are dragged further down with him. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it's never been with you either. His relationship with his ex also likely ended primarily because he did the same to her.

Did you grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent as well?. Read also about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour around him.

As OhHeySis writes, "You can either choose to cry and be treated badly every time he drinks, or leave. I’m sorry, but I think that’s the sad truth".

Op its hard. I had a friend drink just did not suit her. I stopped the social nights. The friendship was never the same polite hello that is it.

What would you think of his Mr Hyde behaviour if he wasn't drunk?

You're using alcohol as an excuse along with him, aren't you? You'd have left by now if he behaved that way out of nowhere when sober. It's simply not acceptable relationship behaviour, whether he's being influenced by something or not. He chooses to be influenced. He chooses to be the person who turns into Mr Hyde. He could choose not to, to save your feelings, but he'd rather have a drink at the expense of your feelings.

People who know they're abusive (even if it's "only" in certain situations/under the influence etc.) Overcompensate to try to make up for it .... That's why they seem so great the rest of the time.

They know you'd leave if they weren't.

It's not a healthy dynamic

He would need to stop drinking.
Many many people can't or won't do that for long.

And even if he did, I'd say I'm a believer in in vino veritas..... My partner can be like this; he is also a nasty bastard when stress is on or in arguments; coincidence, I think not.

If you're not tied in, I'd think seriously about investing further in this relationship.

It's very hard in our society for people to go tee total.

Do you want to be in this position with babies and kids in your home.

I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 7 years. He was wonderful when sober and an animal when drunk. He knew what he was like , would hit me and call me names , throw the fridge contents around the house and then fall sleep and piss himself . No amount of videos I showed him made him stop drinking.

If he was really sorry , he would be too scared to drink. Leave him op, he will hit you soon.

My personality changes when I take a drink. Hence I am teetotal. Sober, I am kind, clever, warm and funny. Drunk, I am an arrogant cunt.

I don't actually believe this sort of thing.

Nothing's coming out of someone that isn't in there to begin with.

The alcohol just lowerd your inhibitions and self awareness enough to let it surface.

We all have bad stuff about us. We've all had to remind ourselves every now and again not to be a prat about something. We've all had to keep our feelings in check for the sake of respecting others. We've all flown off the handle.

So yes, what you're saying is true. There's just nothing special or unusual about having less than pleasant traits. It's very human. It's also very human (in our society) to surpress negative stuff. So it's hardly surprising that for some people, alcohol releases the valve.

It doesn't make it ok though. He needs to find another way to release his valve, and not do it in a way that hurts anyone. OP shouldn't be the punchbag for emotions he chooses to release.

Alcohol just lowers inhibitions, it can’t completely change someone’s personality.
Unfortunately that’s who he is.
If he was that bothered then he wouldn’t drink

I have to disagree. I have done so many things drunk I would never care for doing sober. Sometimes it's like a personality transplant.

I do think though that if he knows he behaves like this but he keeps choosing to drink, he's just a dickhead.

My friend has just ended a relationship over this. His partner was the sweetest guy when sober, but the nastiest piece of work when drinking. Thing was the partner always chose to get pissed and abusive. It's really hurt him to walk away, but definitely the right decision.

I’ve just left my partner of 12 years as he was also like Jekyll and Hyde when drinking…no amount of begging him to stop or threatening to leave worked to stop his drinking.
Its absolutely awful to have to walk away but is the right thing to do (I keep telling myself this when I’m having a wobble)
I’ve wasted the last 3 years of my life trying to get someone sober who just doesn’t want to and can’t see a problem with it, he can’t remember his behavior when drinking but It has come between us as I can’t forget the awful things he has said and done to us.

If he loved you and cared about your feelings, he would stop doing this.
As it is, he’s making a conscious choice repeatedly to
do something that he knows is harmful to you.
You deserve better.