DH won’t acknowledge he’s not paid his way.

[TroublesComing32]

We’ve always both paid the same amount in to an account and the bills come out of it. I earn more and I do the shopping so if we’re short of anything or kids need clothes/shoes whatever I pay for them. Our household is the two of us, our two DC and his DD from a previous marriage.

DH suffered a burn out and walked out of his job about 18 months ago but using sick pay and eventually setting up his own business he’s been able to continue to pay his share of the bills….up until this month. The money hadn’t transferred. He’s not mentioned it, so I asked gently and he gave a vague answer about being able to transfer it when he’d been paid for x,y and z, it still hasn’t been paid and nothing has been said since. I’ve managed to pay all the bills but I’ll not be able to get to the end of the month without getting into debt. It’s our DCs birthday next week and I haven’t really got money to buy him a couple of presents unless I want to put them on a credit card which I think is ridiculous when we’re both working.

DH is just behaving as though nothing has happened and everything’s fine and I’m just worrying. I think I’m more annoyed at the fact he hasn’t acknowledged it, if I knew what was happening we could make a plan. I’m also burnt out from dealing with one crisis after the other, health problems, step-parenting, financial pressure and working full time while trying to look after kids etc… I don’t want to be insensitive but I think he’s put me in and unfair position and I need to address the immediate financial issue so how do I do it?

He hasn’t mentioned it (which is not on) but apart from ‘gently’ asking once, you haven’t either. Don’t sit about and worry when you can have a clear conversation and then move on. Ask him to explain properly what’s going on and make a plan for what to do should it happen again (ie tell you, check the budget, make budget changes if necessary, still put the money in late if it comes in late).

Do you know how well his business is going? Cash flow is often an issue.

Ask him in a firm but polite way how he intends to pay his way this month,
as a PP says cash flow is a massive issue for small companies, if he is waiting for X, Y & z to pay him, he will have to chase up z,y&x and maybe be firmer with his customers about payments

Yes I think cashflow is an issue. I’ve always been very supportive of what he’s doing I think it’s the way he’s tried to just brush it aside that’s annoyed me. I feel like he can just jump from one balls up to the next and I have to sort it out without complaint.

Don't gently ask. Ask him straight out.

'When are you going to put your half of the bills in the account, I've covered them for the time being, but it will leave me in debt if you don't pay before X date, plus I won't be able to buy dc's birthday presents' and keep asking until he gives you an answer. If it's not the one you want he needs to discuss how you will both stop you getting into debt and pay for your ds birthday

You need to tell him.

You have a massive problem with communication in your relationship if your response to this situation was to post on mumsnet asking for advice rather than turning round to your husband and saying ‘your bills money hasn’t been transferred yet this month - when can you do it as I can’t cover everything for both of us and we need to buy DC’s birthday presents’.

Honestly I’m really a bit baffled about why you’re tying yourself in knots about how to ask a very simple question to your husband! If you can’t have simple and straightforward conversations about managing your joint finances, that’s a problem.

Stop ‘gently’ asking and have a proper grown up conversation about finance.

Totally agree! Don't pussyfoot around it, it's household income that you need to get by. No need to walk around on egg shells when it's your own husband.

Ask him! Remind him of your sons birthday presents, tell him you don’t have money to buy without getting into debt. Just talk to him.

Literally this. It can be solved by one sentence, why are you coming to MN?

Tiddleywink has summed it up...what can randoms on MN suggest? You need money, dh should have money you need to ask him for it and keep asking, if he says something vague don't say "oh ok" say "no you are misunderstanding we are now in debt because you haven't paid anything towards your own home or children this month and I can't afford and shouldn't have to run a home on just my salary when both of us are working. And once you've paid your half of the household accounts you also need to pay for your child's birthday presents because I've spent all my extra money covering you and paying for all the extras as well as the basics this month."

And then i would change the dds to come out of his account rather than him "paying in" (or not doing so) a set amount every month like he's some sort of lodger!

Plus if there's any reason he can't pay you need to know about it now, not in 3 months time when you're in debt!

Ridiculous that you have to “gently” ask him, you’re supposed to be a team. Sit down, tell him straight you need money for xyz which you don’t have, so how are we going to resolve it?

This thread is 7 months old.

Why is it wrong for OP to look for support? It's so much easier to see the wood when you're not surrounded by familiar trees telling you you're wrong, it's all fine etc, although you suspect it's not. External validation can be a huge help. Some people may have experience of this precise scenario, others may have really useful insight. It's ok to ask to borrow that experience and insight. We're communal creatures, no man is an island and all that. OP has asked for help. I'm sure she can take advice that's a bit robust, but "you shouldn't be asking" is NOT advice, it's discouraging and unhelpful. It's like telling someone to stop wasting time reading that manual and just get on and build the thing.

To you it may be obvious. But then again, you don't even know her DH, how approachable he is, how bad his burnout was, that may mean asking gently is the only safe way to ask. It's her husband, not a random bod she's only heard about today. She needs him to buck up but at the same time she'll doubtless be afraid of making him worse. An adult conversation focussing on what's really happening and how to avoid it going forward does need to happen, yes of course - but how?

It does sound to me as though he hasn't recovered as well as they both thought he had. They might need something more... interventional... than just a conversation between the two of them. But it does start with some serious conversation, of course.

Oh feck. Didn't notice it was old. I do hope OP found a way through.

You can be both supportive and not doormat at the same time. Him not mentioning it or brushing it under the carpet is not on but enabling that behaviour, isn’t okay either. if you are constantly picking up his slack, then the incentive for him to be a ‘stick his head in the sand’ type is removed.

You are not a nag, you are not being unsupportive and you are not insensitive but you are fast becoming a doormat and that isn’t a look you should become accustomed to. He is not a child.

Have another conversation with him.

Depending on what his business does, this will be his first March/April.

I find during these two months, pay is either really good or really rubbish. It can be down to most end of years, if the work he does involves people spending the last of their annual budgets money can come in… if they are holding out that’s where he might be.

I was ashamed to discuss this with my wife in the first few years of business, as I didn’t grasp why I was suddenly not bringing in money etc