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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pregnant and DP doing this… am I too sensitive here/hormonal?

22 replies

Hrup · 08/09/2022 08:58

My DP of three years has become very unkind during my pregnancy. I’m usually quite a strong, caring person but I feel broken by what he’s doing.

he gets home and barely speaks. He forgot the scan and when there was a concern with the scan he was extremely cold and patronising when I was worrying (we had to go back the following week to check it had been resolved).

I had a day in hospital after covid due to breathing and I absolutely hate having the drip in my hand, I know it’s pathetic, and he was glaring at me in this really nasty way. I was very weak when we left hospital and leant into him and he completely pushed me away. It was really odd.

i had a cough for a few days that lingered and anytime I coughed he would mock me. He seemed to find it funny. Really unlike him, or so I thought.

my family bought us a meal one weekend and driving back he said they were very full on… I understand that’s subjective but honestly my family are really polite and quiet people! Not at all in your face. It was the first time he’d met my sister and I said did you get on with xx and he said yeah she’s ok…

he’s started binge drinking. He’s a heavy drinker anyway but rarely see him him drunk. I’ve seen him drunk more times in the last two months than ever in our relationship.

i walked in on him the other day taking a photo of my letter from the hospital. He said he just wanted to know what was going on with the baby. But I felt uneasy. Maybe I’m being too sensitive?!

obviously I feel quite sensitive anyway at the moment so I can’t tell if I’m being over the top. In the past he’s had form for being v selfish but not nasty like this. Baby was unexpected but wanted, apparently by him too when it happened. I’m 6mo now.

OP posts:
MsChatterbox · 08/09/2022 09:03

That's weird that he took a photo of the letter I can't think of why he would do that. Sorry he's treating you this way. Have you spoken with him about it? Or pointed out when he does things like why did you just shove me away etc?

waterrat · 08/09/2022 09:04

Sadly it's common for abusive relationships to get worse when a woman is pregnant. So - you say he can be v selfish, that is taking a turn for the worse - you are vulnerable and if he is selfish he may be deliberately driving you away.

Sounds awful OP I hope you have family support in case you want him to leave.

Idontknowwhatto · 08/09/2022 09:04

Op I'm sorry to hear this. Did you know that domestic abuse often starts in pregnancy? I'm not sure why, but this seems to be a common starting point for many men to show their true, abusive colours. It sounds like you are starting to see your partners true colours. There is a saying that is used on Mumsnet a lot, and I really it:

When he tells you who he really is, listen.

Your DP is showing you who he is. Make sure you don't ignore all of these alarm bells ringing in your ears. You are seeing warning signs for a reason. You know this is wrong...do not ignore these feelings which are trying to protect you. I would start thinking about how to separate while you still have time. I suspect things will only get worse now the true him is out of the box. Get your things in order OP. * *

GoneWithTheWine1 · 08/09/2022 09:06

Leave. He's turning abusive. Put you and the baby first before this gets any worse.

Hrup · 08/09/2022 09:06

MsChatterbox · 08/09/2022 09:03

That's weird that he took a photo of the letter I can't think of why he would do that. Sorry he's treating you this way. Have you spoken with him about it? Or pointed out when he does things like why did you just shove me away etc?

@MsChatterbox he is a bit ocd ish and he said he just wanted the record. I walked in on him doing it though so obviously it made me uneasy he wasn’t open about it. He did delete it when asked.

he didn’t explain why he shoved me away other than he wanted to get going from the hospital. I’m just so upset by it all.

OP posts:
Hrup · 08/09/2022 09:07

@GoneWithTheWine1 @Idontknowwhatto @waterrat i think I just worry I’m an emotional mess so perhaps reading into things but I’m so sad

OP posts:
Idontknowwhatto · 08/09/2022 09:09

No, this isn't ok and wouldn't be OK if you weren't pregnant so definitely isn't when you are. If your sister told you her partner was doing these things, how would you feel and what would you think?

dottypencilcase · 08/09/2022 09:09

You're not being paranoid. It'll probably get worse when the baby comes. Keep an eye on things and escalate when needed. Do not keep to yourself.

Idontknowwhatto · 08/09/2022 09:10

The heavy drinking alone would be a red flag.

girlmom21 · 08/09/2022 09:11

His behaviour is really bizarre all round by the sounds of things.

FlowerArranger · 08/09/2022 09:14

He is a heavy drinker who has started binge drinking
He has form for being very selfish
And now he has started to become nasty.

Are you sure you want this man to be a part of your family?

Hrup · 08/09/2022 09:22

It’s just so strange as although he’s always been a bit.. unusual, distant etc he has never been like this. He can be quite a sensitive man, that’s what is upsetting me. He can be really sensitive. I don’t know why he’s doing these things to me.

OP posts:
dottypencilcase · 08/09/2022 09:25
  1. He's a bully.

  2. Because you're at your most vulnerable atm and he thinks he'll get away with abusing you.

Crazycatstory · 08/09/2022 09:26

He’s doing all these things because he’s a prick op, I’m sorry. Can you speak to your DM or DS about this at all? It would be good to have some real life support.

BadNomad · 08/09/2022 09:28

He's probably freaking out about the baby coming, and this is what him under stress looks like. I don't know if it will get any better when the baby comes. It doesn't usually.

Hrup · 08/09/2022 09:30

I’ve said sorry to him so much though that the narrative is he thinks I’m the problem

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/09/2022 09:31

You need to end it now and take control of your life.
There have been many threads on here where DV has started in pregnancy and then escalated. Get distance between you now, before baby arrives.

Hrup · 08/09/2022 09:33

He’s not physically abusive it’s just the day to day stuff

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/09/2022 09:35

It often doesn’t start as physical, it escalates into it.

Foronenightonly22 · 08/09/2022 09:40

This isn’t temporary. This is not going to get better. Get rid of him and focus on you and the baby before your baby arrives.

allinadaystwerk · 08/09/2022 09:47

He's being an absolute arsehole. Start to think differently OP. You do not deserve ill treatment from him or anyone. You're about to be a mother. Not putting up with this type of abuse starts with your thoughts. When you realise, as you are doing, that his behaviour is unacceptable you will act differently. Call him out and plan to put yourself first.
Sorry this is happening to you

Pollywoddles · 08/09/2022 09:56

Hrup · 08/09/2022 09:33

He’s not physically abusive it’s just the day to day stuff

In your own words he has shoved you while you were pregnant.

I’m so sorry this is happening but you should be enjoying this pregnancy, not walking on eggshells. If it were me I would make plans to leave, you will be much happier and safer without this stress. You don’t have the luxury of time and it will be all the harder when the baby arrives.

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