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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has my new boyfriend got issues?

51 replies

Breadstick1234 · 08/09/2022 08:47

June 29th my friend & I went out to a social meetup at a pub. I was introduced to a very shy but captivating guy from Australia (he's half British and moved back here 5yrs ago) . We dabbled in nice smalltalk whereby he asked about me and my life. It felt.. Intense. We were both musicians & producers and clicked immediately. But it got really late and I worked at a strict law firm so had to say my goodbyes. I walked over to my friend and he caught me quickly asking "Oh, um, do you want to exchange socials btw? If you want of course.."

The rest is a bunch of messaging history whereby I was so busy with work, gigs and an illness which hit me this year (complex stomach issues) and wanted to take things ultra slow as I wasn't sure if I wanted to be IAR. He would message me constantly with songs and questions and we finally started hanging out. Alot. I could tell he was more into it than me but I loved his company and eventually began to catch feelings.

Then.. In a bizarre turn of events he had to go to Canada (this was booked months prior to when we met, he loves travelling). And whilst there he'd message/call me everyday telling me everything. I enjoyed it but was still feeling as though he was more keen on me and told him that I felt I still needed to get to know him better before we make things official. He then messaged me stating
"I'm really not wanting to put pressure on you but.. Have been wondering what we are. I want to be your boyfriend but feel we're in an inbetween stage and I'm unsure what to do whilst I'm here. Im..avoiding situations here just so I don't fuck up this potential relationship. I want to be with you but you don't want me.. Yet".
This was good to know and he was right, but we'd only dated for 2 weeks at this point and so I told him to do whatever he wanted as I could understand his frustration. We had a little disagreement but he messaged me one night saying "fuck it. Im just gonna enjoy my time here without meeting anyone knowing I get to see you again soon and just hope we can pick up where we left off"..

He returns. My feelings grew stronger in his absence and, due to the fact we live 5 minutes away from eachother, I'm at his place for 5 days in a row (hes a game designer so we only hang out in the evenings). I'm falling fast, as he is UNTIL... (too long to go into) he gets very unwell whereby doctors misdiagnosed him as having Chlamydia. They also say its from me as he wasn't with anyone since 2021. He gets distant, depressed and our new relationship is corrupt. He tells me he has MAJOR health anxiety and had to cut me off for a day as he had a breakdown knowing I gave him this. I end things in fear that hes chewing me up/spitting me out as Ive NEVER been in this position, ever. We talk it out and he explains he wants to be with me but this has truly messed him up. We fix things..

Last weekend felt nice. He took me on a weekend away to clear our heads. However, he seems dazed since this incident. He will sit with me, very quiet & seemingly ruminating on things he won't tell me about. He tells me there's nothing going on and that hes still getting over the shock and needs time. His messaging is noticeably colder and as someone who's diligent with messaging I feel like there's a change in his feelings. I asked him last night if were still together and he goes "why would you ask that? Why wouldn't we be? You need to chill"

Do I calm down or end it before I fall?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2022 08:52

Sorry, the doctors misdiagnosed him as having chlamydia? How does he say that came about?

This all seems such hard work over something he never had in the first place.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like that.

KangarooKenny · 08/09/2022 08:52

I’d end it . He’s messing with your mind, plus he’s got baggage.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/09/2022 08:53

How was he apparantly misdiagnosed as having chlamydia?.

The man has more issues than Vogue; I would cut your losses now and end it.

Catch21 · 08/09/2022 08:55

He was misdiagnosed with chlamydia? So it was something completely different and you didn’t give him an STD? If that’s correct he seems to be overreacting massively.

AverageJoan · 08/09/2022 08:57

Red flags all over this one, I'd leave before it gets too serious

Opaljewel · 08/09/2022 08:58

The fact you wrote down such a head fuck for me to even read, let alone live it suggests to me you need to end this farce.

It all seems very convoluted? It should not be this hard.

Georgeskitchen · 08/09/2022 09:01

End it. A lot of aggravation in a very small time frame

PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2022 09:02

That chlamydia “misdiagnosis” sounds highly suspicious to me.

Twiglets1 · 08/09/2022 09:04

What a weirdo (him) - I would run a mile

girlmom21 · 08/09/2022 09:08

So he's got chlamydia while he was in Canada and is blaming you, then?

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 08/09/2022 09:10

And he told you the doctors said it was from you? Have you got it?

HaveringWavering · 08/09/2022 09:11

What has he been told was making him ill, if not Chlamydia?
Is he still unwell?
Does he understand that it would not have been your fault or anything to be ashamed of if you had given him Chlamydia?

All sounds like far too much hard work though.

WaveyHair · 08/09/2022 09:17

he gets very unwell whereby doctors misdiagnosed him as having Chlamydia.

This is weird. Who did diagnose him correctly? To me it sounds like a bit of a cover story and he is quiet as he is hiding something.

You could try putting a bit of pressure on to try and find out or just end this now.

essex956 · 08/09/2022 09:58

I'm not an expert on chlymidia but can't imagine it makes you "really unwell" especially short term (ie if he'd only caught it 2 weeks prior). I also don't understand how a dr can mis-diagnose this? Did they actually test him or did they just say it was one multiple possibilities that could be causing his serious illness??

bookworm1982 · 08/09/2022 10:20

Couple of things:

I feel bad for him if he has terrible health anxiety. It's an awful thing to have and can really take over your life.

However, I don't understand his behaviour over the chlamydia. Who misdiagnosed him? A doctor? And if so, what was it that he actually had? And if he didn't have chlamydia, then why is he still being off with you? Surely he now understands that you did NOT give him an STD, and can therefore move on? Also, isn't chlamydia often symptomless? What kind of ill was he? Perhaps there's more to it...

It sound like a lot of stress. You need to tell him to open up, tell you if/what the issue is, otherwise you just walk away. Xx

Mermaidwaves · 08/09/2022 10:42

Surely if you HAD given him Chlamydia you would have it too though? The misdiagnosis sounds off, he's not being truthful here.

He sounds like a love bomber, he chased you because you weren't into him and now you are he has all the power. These guys are very good at making you fall for them and then they step back and act distant while you're wondering what the hell happened.

I would move on from this one.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 08/09/2022 10:42

STI's can live in your body for years and only show on a test with no other symptoms. Also have you been tested? How is it misdiagnosed? It is a fairly easy diagnosis and you can order packs online to test yourself these days.

I think he is a drama queen to be honest.

Fraaahnces · 08/09/2022 10:46

I find it unlikely that he was ACTUALLY misdiagnosed. He was probably tested for it (amongst other things…) Chlamydia is a positive or negative diagnosis (unless you are a woman and have been diagnosed with Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.) He sounds quite unstable and rather manipulative. Too hard. Don’t give him the air time or get too involved. You have a busy career and remind yourself that you are much more valuable than a head fuck.

Kione · 08/09/2022 10:49

I got chlamydia and was asked to tell my recent sexual partners to get tested, they did, one had it too, not the other, one was my recent boyfriend, they gave us antibiotics there and then.

What he said sounds made up.
And too much drama.

Fraaahnces · 08/09/2022 10:49

Actually, I just checked and I didn’t explain myself very well. Chlamydia can lie dormant for years in both men and women - BUT it’s easily treated with antibiotics. However, diagnosis IS much more straightforward for men.

yoursexualhealth.co.uk/blog/how-long-can-chlamydia-lay-dormant/

Pixiedust1234 · 08/09/2022 10:50

Yes he does have issues and he's messing with your head. Have you been tested? Stds can live in your body for years so technically he could have given it to you (unless he tested for all stds before getting with you). I'm also confused about the misdiagnosed bit, was that a typo?

NoPrivateSpy · 08/09/2022 12:01

The new relationship being 'corrupted' stood out to me. There will always be something to test your relationship. It shouldn't be corrupted so easily IMO. Sounds to me like you are walking on eggshells a bit and that would worry me.

Don't you want someone who demonstrates a bit more resilience than this?

colouringindoors · 08/09/2022 12:11

Too much. The misdiagnosis thing doesn't add up. The early intense messaging also hints at insecurities beyond health anxiety. Sadly I'd call it a day.

satelliteheart · 08/09/2022 14:10

Am I misreading or has this all happened in the last two months?! You say you wanted to take it "ultra slow" but this certainly isn't ultra slow if you only met at the end of June! Honestly, the drama involved in this is too much. If he was misdiagnosed then what's he got to still be whining about?! Even if he wasn't, it's not your fault if you did pass on chlamydia, presumably you didn't know you had it, it can lie dormant for years without symptoms, it doesn't make you dirty or damaged goods (unless this guy has a fucked up Madonna/whore complex?!)

Seriously op this all seems way more effort than it's worth and I'd personally cut my losses now before you get too sucked in. This guy is clearly hard work

Original poster

Breadstick1234 · 08/09/2022 14:32

Wow, so much insight guys thank you haha.

SO. The illness thing...
He came down with a fever 2 weekends ago, it was rough.. I assume he picked it up from Canada or something but 3 days into it his mouth was inflamed and full of ulcers. I'm also stumped to why he was so anxious but I've got awful anxiety too. I'd told him about my ex who was pretty wreckless in sex (stupidly..I was trying to let him know how respectful he is about sex).
The doctor said due to negative covid tests, thrush testing etc it could either be Chlamydia, Herpes or Syphilis. This was soon dismissed by a specialist he went to see and he did promise to make it up to me on the weekend which I feel he did. Now upon reflection I hope this was all true.

I'm not condoning his behaviour and can see this is looking bad but what I will say is I'm wondering why he's still wanting this to work. I've had a guy do similar, use anxiety as an excuse (then finding out he was actually with an ex) and let go the instant I called it quits.
His messaging today was weird. No affection just "how ya doing" and I went to town on him stating how different he is now were together. He was blunt in return stating he didn't realise but I plan to discuss it later with him and sadly, as you've all detected its probably over.

In person he's very good at communicating, constantly telling me how much he values me, showing physical affection and has helped me get therapy for my own health anxiety. So I'm lost

This has helped me see things more clear so thanks guys

OP posts:

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