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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice, don’t know what to do with DH

24 replies

Definitelynotem · 08/09/2022 00:46

Me and DH have been married for almost a year, very happy until around a month ago when DH went on a ‘random’ drugs bender while I was on holiday with a family member. I was furious and left the house, and after I came back he unsuccessfully attempted to take his own life. He was awful to me throughout this, shouting and screaming and calling me names, but I stuck by him as I believed it was some kind of episode (he feels he has BPD). I feel it relevant too to bring up that I did have an affair over 3 years ago, it was before we got engaged, I (rightly) took all the blame and made it clear that I understood if he wanted to leave, but promised I would cut all contact and never do it again. I’m very ashamed of this and have never repeated anything like it, I had come out of hospital just a few months before it happened after a manic episode, and feel it was out of character (not an excuse, and doesn’t diminish my actions but just to give context). Anyways he forgave me for that ages ago and of course asked me to marry him, but didn’t want to drip feed.

Fast forward to a few weeks after his attempt and I found that he’d taken a 2k loan, he said he’d just fallen behind with money and although it was behind my back I offered to pay half to show that he can share things with me and that I supported him. He promised there was no more money issues.

But I’ve noticed his behaviour has still been off and wasn’t sure why, I know I shouldn’t have snooped, but I was worried and looked in his wallet. There were 3 empty cocaine bags. I went on his phone (I wanted to check if this was a one off), and on his online banking he’s in around £3k of debt and has spent £1k in cash withdrawals in around 10 days. I’m shocked and disappointed and so angry. I’ve been doing extra work to prepare for the cost of living crisis and he’s been doing this. I guess my question is would it be wrong for me to ask him to leave? I feel a lot of guilt as he stuck by my after I did something so awful to him, but I’d be lying if I said I could just move on and ignore this. Grateful for any advice, I feel very vulnerable right now so just wanted to vent

OP posts:
maddy68 · 08/09/2022 01:00

Ok. Take a step back here.
He's having a tricky time and he's on a downward spiral.

He is either addicted it about to form a habit. Either way this needs sorting.

He needs help
He also needs to know that you will not tolerate this and this is the final straw.

He needs to seek help from his gp. he can't be trusted you need to draw clear lines in the sand.

Ultimatum time

Alex Drake · 08/09/2022 01:07

He's on a downward spiral here, don't prop him up it will only prolong the agony for you both. He either sinks or swims, that is on him, not you. You need to tell him that what he is doing is not acceptable to you and your way of life. Then you need to leave him.

Perhaps after time (6mths minimal) you might find a way back to each other.

Teenyliving · 08/09/2022 01:12

you’re both very dysfunctional.

you are it going to be able to help each other become functional.

wish him well and work on yourself and your own future

DifficultBloodyWoman · 08/09/2022 01:19

You don’t owe him for not breaking up with you over an affair.

He is an adult and made his choices then. As he is now.

Make your choice based on what is right for you now and in the future, not based on his actions in the past.

Original poster
Definitelynotem · 08/09/2022 01:20

Thanks Maddy and Alex, it looks like an ultimatum is my only option at this stage, it’s all very scary, this all feels so out of the blue 😢

I really don’t feel that I’m a dysfunctional person. I made a mistake for sure and put my hands up to that but I have worked on myself to ensure that I understood the consequences and never repeated my behaviour. I’ve even been able to stop taking my bipolar medication. I feel fine in myself it’s just his behaviour and mental health that is now having an impact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Definitelynotem · 08/09/2022 01:21

DifficultBloodyWoman · 08/09/2022 01:19

You don’t owe him for not breaking up with you over an affair.

He is an adult and made his choices then. As he is now.

Make your choice based on what is right for you now and in the future, not based on his actions in the past.

Thank you, I think I feel a bit like I do or that I should, which is probably why I mentioned it at all. I think I’d be so upset to have to not be together anymore that I’m just thinking of excuses to carry things on

OP posts:
Original poster
Definitelynotem · 08/09/2022 07:03

Update, I didn’t want to go to to sleep without saying anything, so I sent him a text to say that I knew and I wanted to support him and work through it but that he had to get help or we can’t be together. He’s replied with a laughing emoji? At first I was thinking maybe I’ve got it wrong, but surely there can’t be any other reason that he’s built up so much debt so quickly and is withdrawing high volumes of cash.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 08/09/2022 07:20

Definitelynotem · 08/09/2022 07:03

Update, I didn’t want to go to to sleep without saying anything, so I sent him a text to say that I knew and I wanted to support him and work through it but that he had to get help or we can’t be together. He’s replied with a laughing emoji? At first I was thinking maybe I’ve got it wrong, but surely there can’t be any other reason that he’s built up so much debt so quickly and is withdrawing high volumes of cash.

Nice to know he's taking it seriously Hmm

I think you're going to have to steel yourself against the reality that your relationship is over, unless you fancy the inevitable future of a life of worry and debt and misery.

startingagain13 · 08/09/2022 07:32

Hi OP there are some very serious safeguarding issues here. Do you have a crisis team that you can talk to? I would contact your GP and get advice. He is engaged in significant risk taking behaviour and needs immediate support.

In terms of your relationship there are also significant boundaries that need to be set. His mental health sounds extremely concerning but your decision to stay with him should not be out of obligation. I think he needs professional help

Theoscargoesto · 08/09/2022 07:46

@DifficultBloodyWoman has it right for me. That part of your lives is done and dusted. This is a separate thing and you don’t owe him because he made (you both made) a decision years ago.

KangarooKenny · 08/09/2022 08:32

You need to protect yourself and end it.
Don’t waste your life,

PaterPower · 08/09/2022 08:39

So if he hasn’t got himself into a spiral with the cocaine, what HAS he spent 1k (in cash) on? Not to mention the other 2K of debt?

It’s pretty much got to be one of two or three things - an addiction (coke, drink, gambling etc or a mix of all three) or it’s to pay prostitutes / spending on an OW.

It almost doesn’t matter which it turns out to be; none of these things should be acceptable to you. Putting the moral and legal sides to one side, the bottom line is that he’s racking up debt which will have a direct impact on you if you stay with him.

He will pull you down with him if you stay.

Original poster
Definitelynotem · 08/09/2022 08:42

Thanks everyone. I have gone into work today (he is off sick). I will try and contact the crisis team, where we are it’s usually a 1 hour wait on the phone so not sure if it’ll be possible. He seemed fine in himself otherwise yesterday, but I’m not sure if that’s normal? I really want to support him and help him but I’m not sure if I can, I’ll try and talk to him when I get home and see if he’s willing to respond to help. It doesn’t look like he’s going to get help by himself. It just hurts so much, I don’t want to leave him, I wish I didn’t have to make the choice but I can’t live like this

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 08/09/2022 09:19

You can’t help an addict, can’t force him into getting help. He can only try to do it himself. And - you already gave him a chance - the first time around.

Now - it’d be as if after having an affair and asking for forgiveness - you’d go and have another one.

It a a short marriage, in your place - I’d be filing for divorce and cutting my losses. He clearly isn’t on a path of dealing with his addiction. Do you really want to start a cycle of him getting ‘clean’, then relapsing, etc, Is thIs a marriage you want to be in and potentially bring kids into?

pointythings · 08/09/2022 09:20

I think you have no option but to leave him. You are more than usually vulnerable because of your own mental health and you don't need an addict in your life.

BTW, BPD isn't an excuse for his behaviour. My DD2 has just been diagnosed with BPD and PTSD and is one of the loveliest, kindest most caring people you could know. She works very, very hard to be a decent human being and a fully functioning adult. Your DH could do the same, if only he sought professional help.

Badger1970 · 08/09/2022 09:26

He's not your problem to fix, he can only do that himself.

And until he's in that place, you either take a front row seat and watch - or you remove yourself and protect your own sanity.

BuckarooBanzai · 08/09/2022 09:32

I feel like you've gone into let's fix him mode. I have to say he's very very lucky to have you. However if you take a step back and consider your own needs in this relationship where does that leave you?

startingagain13 · 08/09/2022 11:32

The addiction is concerning however the crisis team can assess the risk related to suicidal behaviour. I think he needs mental health intervention as the reckless behaviour coupled with suicidal behaviour highlights to me an increasing safeguarding issue.

However once you have put this in place I think your own wellbeing has to be the priority.

Original poster
Definitelynotem · 08/09/2022 12:52

Thanks so much for everyone's responses, it's given me a lot of confidence to be firm with him on this.

I did try and call the crisis team but they said unless it's an urgent suicide risk they can't help (and they didn't consider it to be one), the GP didn't have any appointments left for the day.

He's agreed to talk to me tonight, so I am thinking that I might suggest that he goes to his parents' for a few weeks (it's about half an hour away so potentially may be easier to detox). Then hopefully he can prove that he's willing to make a change. If he doesn't agree to do that then I think I'll have to end things and start seeking advice.

I'm so upset but trying to think about my future and be strong. My mum was on and off drugs all through my childhood and always in debt, I don't want that life for myself 😥.

OP posts:
OldFan · 08/09/2022 13:07

I had come out of hospital just a few months before it happened after a manic episode, and feel it was out of character (not an excuse, and doesn’t diminish my actions

@Definitelynotem Yes, it does. I have bipolar and some people mightn't believe this, but hypomania/mania does effect your level of culpability/responsibility for your actions at the time, as you're not yourself.

OldFan · 08/09/2022 13:14

I’ve even been able to stop taking my bipolar medication

@Definitelynotem Please go back on them. We're supposed to be on them for life to stand more chance of preventing episodes. This is one way in which you do need to improve how you treat your illness (and it is an illness you can't do anything about so don't let anyone have a go at you for having it or how you acted when you were ill.)

You might feel fine now, but being on evidence based treatment would be likely to ensure you avoid episodes for longer, or even forever. If you didn't like some meds then try another, there are quite a few they can try. I mostly take Lamotrigine and I'd recommend that if you haven't tried it, I think it's great.

Weenurse · 08/09/2022 13:15

Speak to a lawyer about a legal separation in the mean time. Any debt he incurs now is shared debt. If you can separate finances now, you may save yourself a world of hurt if he continues to spiral out of control. The act of applying for a separation may also spur him to seek help.
good luck

Bestcatmum · 08/09/2022 13:19

I really don't think either of you should be in a relationship at all. You can't cope with it.
I have complex PTSD and have taken the decision to live alone and am altogether calmer and more sensible.

Original poster
Definitelynotem · 08/09/2022 13:25

OldFan · 08/09/2022 13:14

I’ve even been able to stop taking my bipolar medication

@Definitelynotem Please go back on them. We're supposed to be on them for life to stand more chance of preventing episodes. This is one way in which you do need to improve how you treat your illness (and it is an illness you can't do anything about so don't let anyone have a go at you for having it or how you acted when you were ill.)

You might feel fine now, but being on evidence based treatment would be likely to ensure you avoid episodes for longer, or even forever. If you didn't like some meds then try another, there are quite a few they can try. I mostly take Lamotrigine and I'd recommend that if you haven't tried it, I think it's great.

Thank you, I haven’t tried that before so I will ask the GP! I was on lithium but I really didn’t get on with it after the initial episode had been stabilised

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