Introducing new DP to DC

[MamOfTeens]

Looking for some advice on what to do or even if I need to do anything. Might be long sorry 😞

I have been in a relationship with my partner for a year. We get on amazingly and I see us as a long term thing all going well. I love him and he feels the same. I came out of a 16 yr marriage over 3 years ago and have 3 DC all pre- teen/teen.He has never been married but has a son 19 who lives with him.

I met his son pretty early on but in a very casual low key way as he is an adult and does his own thing all time, works, has a gf , car ,friends - he is never home ! By all accounts he is happy with his dad having a relationship and is nice to me when we meet.

I would like to introduce DP to my kids. But my DD (almost 17) is adamant she never wants to meet him. She has no reason for this really other than she’s not happy I’ve moved on from her dad and still struggling with being a child of a split up family etc.

I will respect her wishes of course but I feel sad that she feels this way. Im about to broach the subject with with her brothers and I feel like my older son will now want to meet my partner either but my youngest will probably do it to make me happy.

I don’t know if I’m comfortable just introducing the boys without including DD. Maybe I should just continue as we are only seeing my DP eow and never really talking about him. But this just feels unnatural to me as the most important people in my life have not met.

I should say my DP is happy to take things at my pace and never puts pressure on me in any way. I think he feels happy to meet kids as they are my life and priority not so he can be their new daddy and move in and that is absolutely not happening.

Has anyone any experience of this or any advice to give me?

Maybe give them a bit more time so slowly start to introduce the idea of him by talking about him a bit more. Has their dad moved on? They may feel they're being disloyal to him?

I wouldn't rush it. Don't force your DD to meet this man if she doesn't want to. But equally, she needs to understand that she doesn't have the right to prevent you having a relationship. You say your DP won't be moving in, but if it's serious then presumably the plan would be to live together or marry at some point? You don't mention your custody arrangements, but I assume it's shared custody and you only see DP when your kids are with their dad?

I think if your younger children are willing to meet DP, I wouldn't let DD's opposition stand in the way of that. Just be low key about it, let her know a meeting is going to happen and it's her choice whether to be involved or not. Maybe if her brothers meet him it will help DD understand that the relationship is here to stay. 17 is a difficult age, I'm sure she will come around in time.

Thanks for your replies.

My ex has kids EOW and I have them otherwise mostly (he also takes them for a few extra days in summer holidays and at Christmas). So that is when I see my partner. Obviously him meeting the kids would mean he could eventually be here sometimes when they are here and we could slowly move forward to blending our lives more. I don't know if we will marry as I am so wary after my last one ended but I would love to spend more time together. In 5 or 6 years my youngest will be heading to Uni and we will probably consider fully living together then.
My youngest spoke to me last night and wants to meet my partner so I think I will arrange for that to happen in the next few weeks and the older two can come along if they wish but I wont pressure them to. DD reconfirmed her hatred of the whole situation last night and how I am driving her away, selfish etc. 😢It is upsetting to hear her talk like that but I did calmly explain that she cant dictate who I have a relationship with and that my feelings for her haven't changed but she is having none of it.
It is difficult and if I didn't think this man was worth it I would end it - But he is amazing and I know he would enhance all of our lives if she would be open to it

Well if your DD wants to stay living with you then she can't really avoid your new partner can she. It's not reasonable to keep your partner hidden in the shadows just because your DD is intolerant of you having a relationship. You shouldn't have to keep your life compartmentalised because DD dictates it - at her age she should be mature enough to understand that you're not going to stay single forever. If you do what she says, it means your partner can't even come round for a coffee and a chat, nevermind dinner, whilst your kids are at home. Seeing each other only once a fortnight isn't going to allow the relationship to develop.

Sometimes I only get to see my partner EOW as we both have our kids the rest of the time. But equally we quite often catch up in between our child free weekends - either we do days out with all the kids together, or meet up for a meal etc. We even all holiday together. I couldn't imagine having to keep each other hidden away from our kids, suspect it would almost feel like having an affair!

Explain to DD that this man isn't going to suddenly become her step parent, he's just mum's boyfriend, and she can't avoid him so meeting him is inevitable. You don't dictate to her that she can't have boyfriends (presumably) and if she wanted to introduce you to a partner of her's, that you wouldn't just out and out refuse.

Will she be off to uni or elsewhere in a year or so?

I think you're very thoughtful to be considering this. I'm coming from a dd's point of view, and I think it would be extremely kind to wait a bit longer. It must be frustrating but she will hopefully remember forever that you put her first.

@altmember We are long distance though so its not even like he will be popping in all the time but I would love to be able to see him a little more

You shouldn't have to keep your life compartmentalised because DD dictates it - at her age she should be mature enough to understand that you're not going to stay single forever

I agree with this and have said as much. I suppose I will forever feel guilty about her family breaking up and the impact it has had on them all so I do go easy on her about this.

Their father does not help because while he had the life of riley the first year post split, dating etc, he then decided he wanted to get back together and when I didn't agree, he went into a sulk and has moped around since then so I think the kids feel sorry for him and don't want to upset him. He constantly says things like 'your mother has a great life, I'm so miserable' with a sad face to my DD - yeah I have a great life solo parenting our 3 children 85% of the time while working full time😠

@About10lbstogo she will go in 2 years and I know she will be off living her own life then and won't give a hoot what her mother is up to 😄

Teens are very focused on themselves. You can’t force her to meet him but I’d be very open that bf is part of your life and may accompany you to events or visit your home etc. I’d keep talking to her. Reassure her you aren’t going anywhere eg no prospects of moving in with him but you are an adult and are entitled to enjoy having a relationship.