Staying together after he cheated

[Smittywoo]

Hi,
I was really hoping to find other people who know how I feel. About 6 months ago my husband admitted that he had cheated on me. We have been married for 20 years and we have a large family. Our eldest was just about to take exams so my initial reaction was that nothing was going to change to mess up their exams and also upset the lives of our other children.

He has answered all of my questions and has had no contact with the other person. This has been the most horrible/upsetting/traumatic thing that has happened to me. I had no idea that it was happening and trusted him totally.
I have read loads about infidelity but I can't find a place where people who have made the decision to stay together can tell me how they are doing. It's been months and although I have fewer instances of PTSD symptoms of the shaking and crying and unable to sleep I still think about it SO MUCH. Is this normal? Has anyone come out the other end (if there is one) and not spending time in a depressive trance? Do you still look at the other person's social media in the hopes that something horrible happens to them?
No-one else knows about this so I can't talk to anyone without a therapist and we can't afford that.
I totally understand that people have had much much worse things to go through than this but to hear from someone that has done the same as me and have (hopefully) not gone entirely mad would be just amazing.
Thanks

Haven't been in your exact position but have some experience of this. Everything you describe is entirely normal. It would help you enormously to have a kind ear IRL but if that isn't possible, typing it out in a journal or online forum is the next best thing. I would definitely recommend keeping a private journal.
You say that PTSD is lessening. Be prepared to make gains then losses but overall the trajectory will be towards healing, although this can take a considerable time (not being a doom-monger, just being realistic).
You might notice surprising thoughts pop into your head. Journal them.
Lastly, with something like this, your perception of the world is likely changed, sometimes forever. This, I think, is the saddest part of the whole experience. Things might be never again like what they were. The important thing here is your graceful acceptance of this phenomenon, which you will eventually use to your advantage through your own personal growth.

Yes been there. The first year can be quite traumatic. Then you get less angry and hurt. 7 years down the line our relationship is good but every now and then something will trigger those feelings. It could be a tv show, a comment he makes or whenever I hear her name. Things will never be the same, you will never look at them in the same way again but you can rebuild if there is genuine want on your side and remorse on his. I would really try not to look up the other woman on social media. It will only make you feel worse? Was she a friend, colleague? Is all contact over now?

It really helped me when I actually told someone who I trusted. Do you have anyone who you can talk to. Remember this is not your shsme to carry.

I’m not sure MN is the best place for this question. My friend was absolutely flamed on here for suggesting she might want to stay…she had better luck on the Surviving Infidelity forum…

Read ‘leave a cheater, gain a life’ and visit ‘chumplady.com’

Thank you Cheminaufaules. When I compare how I feel now to how I was even a month ago I do think it has improved. You are right in that I know that the world that I had will never return. Maybe I was looking at everything through rose tinted glasses and so I have had a dose of realism that will harden me for the rest of my life I reckon. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Thank you firstmummy2019. At last! Someone who knows what it is. I know what you mean about triggers. The number of shouts of very angry and unpleasant things that go through my head when I hear a song or see a picture or whatever it is are incredible. I have to have music playing so loudly whenever I drive somewhere on my own to stop my brain going down the dark wormhole.
I know what you say is exactly right about social media. You are absolutely right. It's the feeling of powerlessness that she was able to be part of wrecking my world (she knew he was married, and even asked him to take off his wedding ring) so I want to see when/if things aren't great for her. I know........pretty pathetic.
I don't know her. She was someone he met because he worked away Monday to Friday. There is no contact. He no longer works away.
I can't tell anyone. I am way too scared that it would make it's way to my family knowing and they are all very happy and secure and I wouldn't want to mess that up.
It's not my shame but I so feel massively ashamed. I had no idea. I trusted him totally. What an idiot.
Thank you for reaching out. It really helps.

Been where you are. Horrendous betrayal by two people I loved coming to light at the worst possible time for our family. I've name changed a lot because I put some very personal details into my posts on here in the aftermath.

4 yrs on and things are good.

For me It was how my Husband behaved after discovery that helped.
The affair was long over but the AP was still very much in my life.

He worked very,very hard on our relationship. He was open and honest, never deflected any blame, took all my feelings on the chin.
There is a good book called 'How to help my spouse heal from my affair'. Gives excellent advice for him.

Staying in the marriage will all depend on whether he does the work you need him to do. It's not on you to fix anything.
My husband is now much more aware of my emotions, he knows if things might trigger me and we communicate better than we did. I call him out on things more than I did before.

The PTSD symptoms subsided but it did take a long time.
I actually had to interact with the AP last month and I didn't loose sleep, I didn't shake etc it was fine.

Be kind to yourself.
Staying in the relationship is hard, you need to know if it's worth it. Just because you stay now doesn't mean you always will.

I've been there, 4 yrs on and diagnosed with PTSD I've had to take my kids and leave. He brushed it under the carpet, years of lies and I was just meant to get over it. I couldn't, it destroyed me inside and out. To this day photo memories flash up on my phone and cause triggers. Tarnished memories whilst living a lie, now I'm apparently at fault for leaving the family home (he wouldn't go and blackmailed me) has re-written history and I'm as mad as a box of frogs and taken the kids away. Not quite the truth but a very classic reaction so I'm told. If you can forgive and forget that's fabulous and I wish you well. The extent of the lies and deceit for me was too much. Word of advice I was given back then.. you don't have to decided now.. sit with it and see how you feel.

What’s your DH doing? Are they still in contact and is he still working away? Has he taken full responsibility or brushing it under the carpet. Can you really not talk to anyone as potentially you’re going to resent him if you’ve got no outlet or bubble over. You need to look after yourself.

Sorry you have been through this. It is understandable how you feel. I guess my only advice is that time will heal. It’s all down to you and how you feel and if you feel you can continue your marriage.

If he met the other woman because of work then are you 100% sure that he isn’t still in contact with her?

Affairs are devastating and it’s hard to regain the trust. Hopefully your husband is remorseful for what he has done but I know the feeling of not being able to trust someone fully after an affair and it won’t be easy but hopefully time will help you heal

Hello Smittywoo.
I am just over a year since I (accidently) discovered that my wife was having an affair. We have been married for 30+ years and I totally had faith in her.
The pain is appalling and I constantly felt like I was being disembowelled. That sound ridiculously dramatic, but that was how I felt.
I was constantly being triggered by all sorts of things; words she said, films, songs, seeing people holding hand etc. Thankfully she didn’t try to deny anything and has been totally apologetic.

Things are improving ... as has been said before sometimes it is two steps forward and one giant leap back, but it is getting better.
I am not sure that MN is the best place to write about this as you will defiantly get the negative vibes that tell you that there is no way back and LTB.
Equally there are some fantastic folks on here who will help. Thewookiemustgo has been a star for me and I owe her a deal of thanks.
Staying together is not the easiest of choices, it is a painful and twisty route with steep drops on either side.

I decided that my wife and marriage was worth the pain and so far for me this has been the right decision, for others this was not the case.
Remember this is your marriage and your decision and you are not alone others have walked this path before, not always successfully but some have successful. If you look around you may see me on a similar path, one year ahead but a similar path.

I wish you luck ... it will get better.

@Smittywoo I’m reconciled it’s been a journey and not one I’d wish on my worst enemy BUT I have a happy marriage and I’m so glad we chose to reconcile.

Firstly nothing you are going through is unusual. They estimate 2-5 years healing time and ime that is right. I think the guide book for reconciliation for me is ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’, it sums up the actions your husband must take, and it helps build that feeling of safety back up.

It’s not unusual to fixate on the affair partner but she is not the problem, your husband is. Women who are happy to sleep with married men will always be lurking, she is not special, he needs to work on why he made such destructive, selfish and entitled decisions.

I agree that you do need to reach out to a friend irl as this is something you need support with. Shame is common and that’s a huge barrier to healing and moving forward so if you’re not in individual counselling I’d recommend that.

I think mumsnet is great but it’s not the place to go looking for ongoing advice if you’re planning to stay, surviving infidelity was a godsend for me. It has a reconciliation board with some absolutely wonderful posters, who have travelled your path and have sage advice on how to navigate reconciliation safely.

Just reading the threads there, and their resources will help even if you choose not to post.

The affair recovery site also has some brilliant resources and very sensible insights into the process if reconciliation, which for me is all about building back safety in the relationship.

Good luck! 💐

The big thing is your partners response.
Does he atone for his behaviour, is he honest about what happened, is he shameful, does he want to make changes to make things better, is he keen on working himself and why he made the choice he did.
If the answers are yes then I think there is a chance to stay. You can work through things together, learn and heal over time.
My husband did not of those things. I am 7 years down the line and like @rockbottombird we are now on the brink and I feel like the bad one and it will be me that has to end it if that's what I want. It's a horrible feeling and I wish in hindsight I'd cut and run then.
We are in counselling together but I am not sure it will be enough to gloss over how he responded at the time.

Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to post. I can't tell you how good it has done me to hear from those of you that made the decision to stay together.

My husband is very remorseful and has always answered the horrible questions and is very aware of how I am changed and my behaviours are weird. The only way I could describe how I felt was to say that my brain and thoughts are like crazy paving and I need his answers and talking through both of our feelings to find the glue to stick it all back together.
We both know that our marriage from the minute he told me will never be the same but we both hope that it will become a good different. He has never tried to blame me for his behaviour.
I really do understand that some people think that I am insane for letting him stay but, as has been said by a few people, they don't know my situation or the circumstances that led to him behaving the way that he did. I am not making excuses for him. He did the worst thing to me that I can imagine and it felt like my whole world had fallen apart. He was weak, selfish and a liar. This will take a very long time to come to terms with but I think week by week I am slowly doing this.

There are some truly lovely people out there.

There are a lot of ‘ifs’ in order to get through the long, hard process of reconciliation, and it’s ok to change your mind at any point. It isn’t for everyone, it depends on many things, and love and time are actually NOT enough. No matter how much you love each other or how many years pass, if you never talk honestly and openly about it, don’t both commit to ongoing open, honest communication, or if he can’t see the need to support you with understanding and compassion as you heal, your chances are slim and resentment will eventually win out. Love alone isn’t enough.

So, if he has told the truth, is remorseful, genuinely wants reconciliation with you and puts you and your needs first, if he learns about affairs and why he did this (his issues, not yours, not the marriage. He is to blame here, not you. The state of the marriage is a separate issue, solely the cheater’s responsibility) then you stand a good chance of making it. If you are both willing to then move on to discuss any marriage issues which exist (there might be none, of course. Happy people can cheat too) and work them out (these issues are not what caused his cheating, btw, that was his choice in the face of other more honourable options) then even better.

But I won’t dress this up, you have to decide if it’s worth it, and it’s a huge emotional rollercoaster at best, for a long while. six months out is early days so don’t despair that you’ll never get through it, you need time to grieve the marriage you thought you had and the man you thought he was. He needs to acknowledge his brokenness and address it, with or without a counsellor, but if he thinks this happened because of anything or anyone else except himself, he has a lot of work to do. The blame and any associated shame are not yours to carry. Not one little bit. Take care, this hurts like hell, it’s a pain I’d never encountered before and it was physical as well as mental. Sending love X

It’s been a year and it’s not as bad as it first was but if you want my honest advice then leave I wish I had at the time, i now know it’ll never fully go away I’ve been going between leaving or staying but tbh I’m at the really don’t care anymore part I feel it’ll all end in disaster . People can work through it it all depends on your mind set and what actually happened I’m reasonable and understanding but it’s shattered our relationship for good, you don’t have to make any decisions yet though take time and see how you feel.

Mine isn't a happy ending however I did have therapy and the biggest thing that helped me was doing things for me and learning to love myself again after the affair destroyed my self confidence, banishing uncertainty so allowing myself to sit with all my feelings and thoughts and filtering through dismissing any that are what ifs or is this happening or did he think this kind of stuff. Finally having a support network I could rely on emotionally. If you are opting to stay this site is an unlikely source for that but other sites may be of help. The book just friends was good for driving conversations around why the affair happened and how things tend to go. It reassured me I wasn't going bonkers. I would say ptsd can flare up any time and if you can get therapy do. It was actually ptsd that caused the utter destruction of our marriage and led to my husband having an affair as he has it

Changed to an apt username for this.
We stayed together, we worked through it, he did all he could do to “fix things” the first year was the hardest, there was a lot of anger.
The relationship ended seven years later because of that affair, even though we got on well and everything seemed fine, I could never look at him the same way again. I couldn’t trust him to stay faithful, the trust was broken and that doesn’t just apply to an affair it spreads until you just don’t trust them full stop.
I regret staying, I feel like I wasted those years.

Hi, this summer I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman 20
years younger than me. I know her and see her often. He cut it off when I found out and wants to stay together, but I feel so humiliated and deceived. To add insult to injury, he told me a few weeks before I found out that he wanted to be non-monogamous. After 17 years together! He still says being monogamous seems like a hard thing you have to do to be married, but he will be, just for me. But I hate that! If he has such a hard time with monogamy, just get a divorce!
But he says no, he loves me and want to stay with me. We have two kids. So I have to deal with the betrayal AND the fact that monogamy (with me) is all of a sudden such a hard thing for him. I just hate all this. Feel bad every day. But I am scared to divorce. What would you do?