I'm feeling really really sad at the moment. Sitting in the car outside my house after nursery run to type this not wanting to see DH for now.
I really want to keep this family intact. But been 15 years, it is just going in circles in a bad way. Nothing is going to radically change and the fundamental stuff will always be missing...I don't know what to do or what to hope. If praying really can work, I'd pray for miracle to make this marriage last and in a better way...
I'm not romantically in love with DH. Have never been... He was a rebound from a relationship that nearly kill me inside. But he's an honourable man and decent and very intelligent. So I do respect him and care about him. We are very much like best friends and our views about things, the world and life are 95% aligned. It's not uncommon that we think about the same thing at the same time and we rarely disagree in terms of parenting. We are a good team, in daily life.
But I don't love him from a romantic point of view. He probably doesn't either. He has had a very awful upbringing (from his point of view, as his closest sister didn't even know he wasn't happy). Property, a loveless mother, a lonely childhood. He said he nearly lose the will to live at certain point of time because he thought nobody loved him. His father was never around for having to work hard to support a big family (7 children from previous marriage and 3 from his second, DH is one of them). His mother spoiled elder brother and his young sister also enjoyed the attention as being the youngest. DH has a very introverted personality, so he never spoke much even when he wanted attention and to be loved. So he was mostly being left alone. Had no friends as he lived in a dodgy neighbourhood and his mum forbid him to play outside with other children.
Anyway, all these contributed to an adult who's very much avoid physical contacts. You wouldn't believe that we only had frequent sex in the first 6 months after we met (they were not great either, but as I said he was a rebound and I was just happy to find someone who seemed getting along well with me), and since then nearly none. It's been 16 years. We have two DCs mainly did sex for conception. Now we have two and I know that we will never have sex again. Otherwise, there's no cuddles or even touching shoulders or anything showing affections.
He's not good at verbally praising either, but very good at talking down from a superior level making you feel you are a small pupil in front of a great intelligent man. (I'm not sure if it's just me.)
So I feel incredibly lonely inside and outside.
We argue as well. It's often because ridiculously small things but triggered bouncing back and forth accusing each other. He's very defensive and with the slightest comment, he'd react badly lecturing me back about how wrong I got him and I was offending him. If I ever say he could do something to make things better, you would be certain that he'd tell me back that I need to make changes too. It always bounce back that I have to be on the side for wrong too. It's probably not inaccurate, but it's really really mentally exhausting. It feels like nothing is going to anywhere and just blaming back and forth.
He then say if he didn't say anything back, the negative feelings would build up and in the end to have an explosion.
We had a huge row in holiday. We were shouting at each other in front of the children and in front of the strangers. It usually never escalated to that level. But because of all the stresses I've got, it just went like dynamite.
I was ready to ask him to separate at that point and I was ready just there that I'd let these many years unhappiness take its way and ready to manage to get back to England myself or with my older DCs (who's very close to me).
Anyway, he did apologise the second morning. I cried a lot telling him that I'm lonely, physically and mentally. The only thing I didn't dare to say to him (even that's what I guess what would happen and eventually end our marriage one day) is that one day I would encounter someone who attracts me and cares about me and I'd leave this marriage behind.
I didn't tell him that. We then had another row on the way back to England. I was so so so sad and I knew he'd never get what I tried to tell him. We had another attempt back at home to talk through things. But I don't think he understands the severity of how lonely I feel all these years and how much I fear that I'd love like this for another 20, 30 years.
I don't think he will ever get that. Obviously he has his own feelings too. His miserable upbringing made him very sensitive to any criticism. I have some issue myself that also made me quite sensitive since a child. Nothing is ever going to change us suddenly at over 40 years odd age. And he will never be affectionate or physical to any extend - which is something I really crave and miss.
We had another row this morning in front of the children (I think once certain feelings were let out, it's very difficult to ignore and let go easily...so only expect more in the coming days after being relatively amicable and quiet for 4 years since I was pregnant with DC2.). It's because some ridiculous small comment I made (filtered and carefully said) which triggered him getting back on me with criticisms and snapping. I just feel exhausted and helpless.
I do want this family stay intact for the children and I do respect and care about DH. I wouldn't take the decision to leave him easily. But sometimes, it's just too much and with no hope. I just feel incredibly incredibly lonely.
I don't know what to hope for and I don't know what to do. He will not change and things would just be going in circles, being better for a couple of months after making efforts before going back to how it's always been.
Obviously it's not only him. I'm aware I have my own issues too. It doesn't help that either of us has a chilled personality and could simply diffuse any situation and just focus on the positive things. I don't know if counseling would help, but I fear it would just make it worse to show us there's no hope.
When I heard my DCs bursting in cry this morning when I cried, I felt guilty...but still really helpless.
Can someone help and give some constructive advice? I don't want to separate, but how to carry on for another 10, 20, 30 years like this?