a kind way to break up if there's nothing wrong

[lettuceburn]

i recently posted a thread about my feelings changing overnight with someone (i have changed my username). this has happened quite a few times very suddenly when I've been with someone.

Since that thread, I have read quite a bit about avoidant behaviour, and i've noticed a lot of the characteristics in myself (and I am thinking about speaking with someone about it).

A lot of what I have been reading mentions how traumatic it is when someone breaks up with you out of the blue (obviously /understandably). To be blindsided must be awful, especially when everything seemingly was so great (and i appreciate that i cant fully understand how hurtful having never had it happen to me).
I guess my question is, if you're the person whose feelings have changed, it's happened v quickly, nothing is in particular is wrong, and you're breaking up with someone, what is the kindest way to do this? do you owe it to the relationship to talk things through and try and work it out, even though your feelings might not and probably wont change? is this 'kinder'?

and, if you know that you are prone to feelings quickly changing, is it fair to enter into a relationship with someone? (i think i should have been honest from the start about past experiences, but maybe i should have avoided full stop until i figured it out? and maybe i should in the future?)

I suppose it depends how long the relationship is if/ when feelings change. If it's only short then it's kind to give a clear explanation that you don't want to continue, clean break, it's not you it's me etc, don't give any false hope.

If it's a long relationship and nothing is wrong, your feelings have cooled then suppose it makes sense to try and figure things out if your feelings are prone to being changeable. However, I think it's necessary to be invested, try and get things on track but not let things drag on if you're sure as that's when you might start looking around and that's very unfair indeed.

Well the person on the receiving might be upset but the alternative is they continue in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with them and you continue in a relationship you dont want to be in.

So just end it.

Doing it kindly means respecting their feelings while you do it not not doing it at all.

Surely it depends on the length of the relationship?
10 years and engaged for example is hugely different to say 6 months and a few fun times...

How long has the relationship been?

Feelings changing overnight suggest you need to explore your approach to relationships generally. I definitely suggest counselling/therapy. But yes, perhaps keep encounters explicitly 'no-strings' til you have figured out what is going on.

Secondly, I like this video on breaking up with people.

thanks for your responses...its only been 6 months
that video is really helpful, thanks @AgnestaVipers

absolutely wouldnt drag things on, and will have a conversation asap.

I guess i'm finding it hard to know if something is over or worth trying for (and if its mature to try if theres a bit of uncertainty, or at least communicate / make it a conversation rather than a definitive no).
maybe to try successfully i need to have an optimistic attitude, but i think in relationships often the negative / pessimistic thoughts (eg my freedom is being restricted, have to compromise etc) often drown out the positive / optimistic thoughts

and if its mature to try if theres a bit of uncertainty, or at least communicate / make it a conversation rather than a definitive no

I think you have nothing to lose by having a conversation about it. I am avoidant due to past trauma and find dating and intimacy very difficult. Personally I have decided to be up front about this (without giving specific details) from quite early on and seeing how they respond, if they respect my boundaries and feelings etc.

I suppose the thing is not to make the partner of only 6 months feel responsible for 'failing' to change your mind if that makes sense. 'It's been lovely but unfortunately I don't really see a future' would be a lot easier to manage than essentially 'I'm actually quite avoidant. It's a pattern but I am losing interest again. What are you going to do about it?'

If would wanted to try and work through losing interest then I would do some real introspection and possibly therapy to ascertain what you want and what you are going to do, how you will work to become less avoidant before you make it their responsibility. Not to sound harsh, just how it could come across.

@FuckFuckGo yeah i think being upfront from the beginning is what i will try and do in future

@hugefanofcheese fair point - is there a way to discuss it though whilst also taking full responsibility that it's my thing that i need to work through? I guess that maybe depends on if the other person can accept that it's nothing to do with them, vs someone who might feel shit / responsible. but yes, completely agree that it would be shitty to make it their responsibility

I was on the receiving end of this, of course I was upset at the time, but in retrospect he was quite good about dumping me - he just said that although he thought I was gorgeous, brilliant, funny blah blah, he just wasn't experiencing the feelings he thought he should have for me at that stage in our relationship (about 5/6 months) and he didn't feel it was fair to me to continue things when he felt his heart wasn't completely in it. He could have let it go on for ages with me none the wiser until someone more suitable came along. In the end he did me a massive favour, it freed me up to meet the love of my life.

Yes, @CamsPaisleyCuffs boyfriend mastered the shit-sandwhich method. Which is basically put the shit (I'm dumping you) between two nice layers of compliments.

Or you could use the classic,
It's not you, it's me.

If you can't do relationships long term then it's not ideal to get into one without the other person being happy to casually date and eventually move on.

I was with someone very abusive (not saying you are) he basically was a clone of his dad. But he hated his dad for treating his mum like rubbish and cheating. Somehow he ended up behaving the same. His whole adult life he's just sneaked about chatting to women for validation behind his exes back. Then he had a relationship with me. Got bored very quickly and began sneaking about behind my back. His ex was one of the women he chatted to behind my back.

From my point if view I wish he stayed the hell away from me. He knew he wasn't going to give me wgst I believed I was signing up for. He knew he couldn't and wouldn't commit or change. He has not only hurt me. He's hurt his ex and 2 other women that ended up particularly depressed and hurt after he played them. He is not nice and I can't think of a si gle person on this earth who's depressed or miserable because of me.

The hardest thing for me was he had no intention of giving me the truth or closure. So I ended up in therapy and I'm still kinda sad.

The impact you can have on someone else's life by your behaviour is cruel. So yes give them a honest conversation explain its you rhats the problem and leave on a nice note. Perhaps then stay away from people until you can commit.

This happened to one of my best friends. The guy in question had booked a holiday for them on the Friday, reminded her to book the kennels for her dog on the Tuesday & then said on the Wednesday that he felt he was better off alone & didn't ever want to be in a relationship again.
She was only his second partner during his life & we know that there isn't anyone else involved.
Her boyfriend said it wasn't her it was him.
She told me that he'd experienced lots of trauma during his life so definitely sounds like he has avoidment attachment issues.
Plus we think he got scared even though he asked her to move in with him (ldr) & they discussed it that weekend before the break up & he was asking her to get a move on & put her house up for sale.

Personally I would like to punch the ex boyfriends lights out for the pain he's caused my best friend.

So unfortunately I don't think that there is anyway to break up kindly unless you both want to.