A right to be sad or are my expectations off?

[getuip]

My parents are very close, do everything together and as a child my sister was the ‘good’ child and I was the ‘difficult’ child. These labels have remained into our thirties.

I know you can’t choose your family but I feel so sad sometimes that I don’t have that nice family support. Financially they are supportive and always have been but I can’t turn to my mum and ask for a chat, my dad quite literally thinks of himself first and foremost day to day and would never come and see me if I was low or just needed him.

As I’ve got older I’ve realised this is quite unusual, at least I think it is?

Since their 40s/50s they have worked part time so it was never a case of not having time. My mum has become slightly more understanding and rational as the years have gone on but basically I feel like I have no real family support. I was at a friend’s the other day and her family were rallying round as she was pregnant and asking if one of them should come and stay with her when her partner worked away for a week. When I was pregnant a few years ago my partner left and my mum visited me once, and I lived only 35 miles away. They did however provide a lot of finance to help so it wasn’t like they did nothing.

I don’t know if my expectations are way off but I feel so alone very often and find much more understanding and support from friends.

The old saying ‘you can’t choose your family’ is so true.

Of course it’s ok to feel sad about this. You don’t say if it’s obvious that they treat your sister differently, or if she is close to your mum when you are not. If so, then this will make it doubly hurtful.

I did not have a close relationship with my mother. A therapist did diagnose her with narcissistic traits. It was always about what I could do for her and being her emotional crutch. My father left when I was five and disappeared.

I have been in hospital twice and needed a while for recovery. Neither time did she visit or offer to help. My husband had to tell her a call me as she didn’t even want to do that.

I am older now and have come to the realisation that most people don’t have charmed lives. Even if from the outside it looks like it, if and when you get to know them better, you will find that out.

So when you see others with close parents it may not be as perfect as it looks, or there will be something else going on in their lives which you wouldnt envy.

The best way I found was doing literally the opposite of my DM while raising my child. I am proud if I am the person she calls when she’s feeling down.

Check put a few threads on MN, you will find a LOT of people in the same boat as you.

It's absolutely fine to feel sad about it and I wish I could give you a hug. You deserved a lot more from your parents and I know it hurts.

Check out the "but we took you to stately homes" threads on here. You have lots of company and there are people out there who understand your feelings.

Who do you think sets the boundaries about how sad you have a right to be?

Interesting that they provide financial support. Do they care but not understand how to provide emotional support?

I was always seen as the difficult child too. Difficult. And yes I do believe that has stayed with me ie they see me the same really.
I am not close to my mum. But like you she has supported me more financially at times. She has my child sometimes. So they do do that sometimes.
But there's no emotional support at all. I don't feel loved.