Feeling awful and looking for a handhold.

[SleeplessonSettee]

My husband and I have just had a big row. I can count on one hand the number of big rows we have had in all the years we have been together. Notably, they always happen at very stressful times - such as when we moved house, or when the turkey wouldn’t fit in the oven at our first Christmas (this is the one that now makes us laugh!)

9 weeks ago, I had my first baby. I’m 35 so knocking on a bit and my birth was incredibly traumatic and we both almost died.
The baby blues hit me pretty hard and I didn’t really even touch the baby on the first few days and nights back from hospital. I know that sounds really awful and I hate myself for it now, because she is so perfect and beautiful.

Today I picked the fight with my husband because he did a night feed last night and complained about it. He said I was snoring and it made it harder for baby to get back to sleep. I just saw red and went off at him about how I’m doing everything (I really am). On top of doing all the parenting and still working some (I’m self employed) I also help with my step children who live with us AND I’m currently project managing a massive building project at our home. I’m just so so tired all the time.

Husband threw the baby blues in my face. Said he had to do everything for the first week, while I “didn’t even love the baby”. Like that in some way exonerates him.

It's left me feeling like utter shit. Partly because it’s true - I didn’t feel any love for her at first and I carry that guilt around with me like a fucking rock in my chest. She’s so perfect to me now, I can’t believe myself. I can’t believe him for throwing that low blow at me.

That's it really. Feeling low and miserable and wishing for some supportive words. I’m just so so fucking tired. Have I said that already? So tired.

Just a heads up: unlikely to LTB over this. Although he’s been a massive prick.

He shouldn’t have said that, OP. It was cruel, and not your fault. I hope it was just because he was exhausted, and he is now feeling ashamed.

Honestly do not underestimate how tired you are and the impact it can have

I would honestly hire someone to either clean your house or for a few hours while you get sleep- for a few months whilst you are all up and running.

Oof, bad timing having a massive build on at the same time as a newborn!

Can't you take maternity leave from your job?

And let h parent his own dc.

He was really cruel saying that to you. Hopefully he was just tired. Don't feel guilty about it. Your baby loves you and you are looking after her now. 💐

Oh op I think this is so do common in the first weeks. You are just so tired. And, and you might not want to hear this, but he is too. And all that adjusting you’re doing. It’s easy to get into a sort of spiral of competitive tiredness. I remember we actually had a huge row about who was more tired and then I sobbed in case my dd had heard us and thought we didn’t love her.

but I promise it does get easier. Oh you are under a lot of pressure. Don’t put yourself under any more because of this row.

get yourself to fed and tomorrow is another day.

and congratulations on your lovely baby girl. You’re doing great!

Get yourself to bed I mean. But fed too wouldn’t go amiss. Big cup of tea and buttered toast in bed. Go on. Be kind to yourself

There are some lines which should never be crossed. He crossed it.
Also, how dare he say your snoring was bothering the baby. Does this man have no tact/ empathy?

Thanks, friends. 😳

You’ve had a traumatic birth. Be kind to yourself. I’ve been there. Yes, you feel guilt and you don’t need to. You will also be exhausted which won’t help how you’re feeling.

He was UTTERLY out of line to say what he said.

Can you take a slight step back from doing so much for the stepchildren? You’re already doing so much other stuff and it wouldn’t hurt him to parent his own children for a while. That would be one less demand on your time and energy.

Huge congratulations on your baby girl. You are all she needs and I’m sure you’re doing wonderfully. 💐

Both of you need to calm down and work as a team rather than bite each other’s heads off and throw blame around. Take it you both wanted a child and it was created out of love? Yes, so learn to read from the same page and not make it a competition over ‘who did what’ or ‘who is the most exhausted’.

That's sounds awful,but you are BOTH exhausted and stressed. He was really out of order to say what he did . Are you able to talk this through.

I remember feeling completely disconnected from everything around me after a traumatic birth, and the low that came after was truly awful.

For him to throw that in your face is both heartless and callous, he ought to be ashamed of himself.

He needs to start taking responsibility for his child, and enable you to get some rest. Do you think a rest rota would help?

Failing that I hear frying pans work wonders on cretins with zero emotional intelligence 🤔

Please don’t doubt your abilities as a mum, I bet you’re smashing it although it doesn’t feel that way right now. 🙂💐

Everyone and I mean everyone, with the exception of those that have rediculously fantastic mothers that are on tap, have these arguments through utter exhaustion.

He needs to apologise for the hurtful ignorant comment, he clearly has no idea what women go through mentally and physically and yours was incredibly tough.

Save your energy for getting through this tough time.
Congratuations by the way.

If he’s got any shame, he should be feeling it now.

What he said to you was unforgivable. Almost evil.

Sorry OP, look after yourself now. He’s proved himself to be pretty worthless and malicious under pressure.

His behaviour is vile and chilling

If he's that bothered about the baby blues, he should be fully on board with dedicating money and time to ensuring you get counselling to help you deal with the trauma you experienced. Maybe not right now, but don't leave it too long.

Also, make your to do list visible to him, and specific. My DH has no idea how much I was doing. It was never a secret - he just didn't put it all together. Recently he tried to make an appointment for one of our DC and was incredulous at how long it took - much eye rolling from me...

I'm sorry but you could just as well slate him for his inability to birth the baby or to breast feed. Your post birth response was in relation to the trauma you endured and not something you did willingly or rationally. You love your baby and should in no way be carrying any guilt. Please let it go.
In terms of your husband, you need to have an honest conversation about what was said and explain exactly why it was completely unacceptable, even if he is tired, stressed and under pressure.
I hope things get better (they will - life with a new born is hard)

This!

I’m sorry you had such a hard time. It does take the shine off of the first few weeks.

Your baby will be fine that you didn’t have a rush of love for her. Many of us don’t have that, even without a traumatic birth. It’s ok, it’s just not spoken about becaise tve trope is “you fall instantly in love”

I didn’t. My kids all looked like ugly little grasping gremlins to me. I cared for them and I was glad they were alive but I didn’t have any desire to sit and coo at them. That came with time. And breast milk. And them turning into people instead of gremlins.

im realty quite fond of them now and the youngest is to go to Uni and my heart is broken that they are all happy and capable and they don’t need me.

you must rest. You must outsource as much as you can.
You must talk to your partner - you and the baby nearly died, he had a trauma too. Get the baby asleep and give him a cuddle, just lie together and say something like that it is all very hard and you are glad that you are a family of 3 and not him on his own. Bet you both have a cry and reconnect.

trauma like yours is really hard, pay attention to it and make time to rest and it’ll all be ok. It’s not nothing and it won’t go away I’d you all just busy yourselves and pretend it is sorted out.

congratuladions on your baby girl. The first time she smiles at you is very special

@stealtheatingtunnocks is completely correct.
Totally normal for that connection to take a little while. Your new baby is effectively a stranger at first. No surprise that sometimes it's not instantaneous adoration. Especially with your first. Took me a few days to get my head around everything: especially with my first as it was so traumatic.
I adore all 5 of mine now btw. And that's even after going through the toddler and teen stages!

Hi OP,
Time has flown.
Just wondering how you are now?