Difficult relationship with my sister

[Annttcam]

Hi 👋🏻

I’m looking for some advice and guidance about how best to approach a difficult relationship I have with my sister which has been this way for years.

I have three young children and my sister lives alone and has been single for about 15 years as far as I’m aware. Over the years me and other family members have had situations where we feel she’s behaved very unreasonably or unfairly- this has been the case since she was a teenager. Since I became a mother I have seen her less and less, she has admitted she finds other peoples happiness difficult. She has hinted that she has suffered from depression but is quite private and hasn’t been open about it. She can be angry, unkind and aggressive but she can also be lovely and very good with my children. I find it difficult to be around her as I’m on edge that I might say the wrong thing, our relationship is tense but cordial and polite to any outsiders looking in.

Since my youngest was born she’s distanced herself further and declined any party invitations for about 4 years now. I feel really sad about this and would like her to have a relationship with my children. My youngest who is three would have no idea who she is now. My elder child would, but sees her so little so never mentions her. She is not on social media so doesn’t know what they look like and never asks me for pictures.

Recently I reached out to invite her to their birthdays which I knew she would say no to but I always invite her anyway. Instead she invited us to her, she lives about an hour away, in a not very child friendly house which my toddlers will likely trash within 5 minutes. I know I should probably go to try and be the bigger person, but part of me feels very put out that she doesn’t bother with the children at all, declines all invites but expects me to come to her and make the effort. During covid (when rules were slightly relaxed) I visited her twice, once without the children to see if she was alright after being alone for several weeks and then once with my elder child as she had shown no interest at all in my younger children. So I have shown willing and visited her in the past couple of years.

I guess what I’m asking is, what would you do in this situation? Am I being reasonable in my thought process? Should I just bite the bullet and go and see her even though I find her difficult to be around and she’s shown very little interest in the children in the last few years?

Yes . Try and make a relationship that’s between you n her not her and your kids . She maybe struggling with the fact she hadn’t got children of her own and struggles with seeing you and your family . I think she’s needs an adult relationship with you , not a auntie duty one . I think it’s lovely you care about her and hear what you are saying about being around her but if you phone her and arrange to meet just you two , then you may see a different side of her .

Agree with pp
Going to a kids party when you have no kids might seem v overwhelming.

She can't be an aunt if she's not your sister do focus on being a sister.

Can you go for a walk to the play park. DCs are entertained, you chat to sis

Sounds like my sister.
Who I do not have a relationship with.
Its a relief.

I don’t want my kids exposed to such a volatile unpredictable individual.

Its just too much like hard work year in year out.

She’s reached out so I would go. I would ask if she means dc too, she might want to talk without dc there.

What do your parents think of your sister?. What was it like for you growing up in this family?.

I would not attempt to try and foster a relationship that has likely never been there. Why would you want your children to be around here when she is not making any effort whatsoever with you or your kids?. Would you tolerate this from a friend?.

But she is not “a friend”? She’s the OP’s sister.

Yes, I would go to see her. If she is very private she may find the idea of coming to your house overwhelming, and may feel better able to cope on her own terms.

But do it for the sake of your relationship with her. I think you have expectations of the relationship she should have with your children, but some people don’t like children, even if they’re family, and you can’t force them to.

My parents have a strained relationship with her too, as does my brother. On one hand I have distanced myself from her as the relationship can cause me a lot of upset and anxiety.

On the other hand she is still my sister and there have times when she has been good to me. I do think she is interested in having a relationship with the children, but like others have suggested finds it hard to be in a happy family environment, especially if it’s more than just us.

And yes if a friend had behaved like this they would no longer be in my life, but she’s my sister

Just to add, I work full time so the weekends I am with the children. This is my life now so seeing her without them is much more difficult. She doesn’t live locally so going to see her when they are asleep is also difficult and as I said she seems very reluctant to come to me.

She should not get a hall pass just because she is your sister. I feel you are on a hiding to nothing here re her because she is not interested in trying to foster a relationship with you of any sort.

This has been bubbling away for years.
Ask yourself the question what went wrong?. How was she treated by your parents compared to you and your brother?. Did your parents placate her a lot?.

I would be trying to determine what went wrong in your family of origin and not repeat that dynamic in your own family now.

In your shoes I would make the effort, and go to her. She clearly wants the relationship with you and she is not obliged to have a close relationship with your children. They may become closer later. Perhaps she suffers social anxiety or agoraphobia. She will still be your sister when they have grown and moved out.

I think if you want a relationship with your sister, you will have to make some time in your life for her. That means visiting and having an adult relationship with her that doeant always include your children. Appreciate its hard when you work full time but is it really impossible that you take maybe one day every two months where you go and see her ? Could you use annual leave?
I think it is not unreasonable of her to want to see you and to feel in some way a priority in your life.
At present it sounds like you think she should do more of the work to maintain a relationship because you have children.

Hi @Annttcam. You sound very caring and don’t want to cut your sister off. One thing I noticed from your post is there is a great undertone that she is very much ‘a problem.’ Ie your entire family by the sounds of it have labelled her since a teen and that’s been that. Yet you say she can be good and kind.

I don’t mean to sound patronising here but it is extremely likely your sister had a very different experience growing up to you, in ways you may never be able to see as 1. Each child needs different things from their parents and she may well have not got what she needed from yours and 2. You cannot underestimate exactly how different parents can be towards children in very subtle ways, especially given the family narrative that seems to have been adopted here.

I know you didn’t mean it in this way but to reference your sister having been a difficult teen, yet it sounds like you’re both in your thirties now… it’s extremely unkind. Imagine bringing up a friend’s behaviour as a teen to use to frame them a certain way as an adult? There will most likely be a lot of pain for your sister around the family dynamic and I bet the pleasant version you see at times is the real version those outside her family see all the time

i could be totally off the mark but suspect I am not. And it’s not a criticism of you but the family narrative does need to stop. Your sister is a person, maybe she doesn’t want to always be around kids as she feels sad she doesn’t have her own? Maybe she finds noise difficult? Maybe she is depressed and just needs support? Maybe an interest in her home and life should be seen as equally important regardless of children? Again I say that as each time you mention going over it’s as if you’ve done a huge favour, rather than simply driven to see your sister full stop. I don’t think you mean it that way as you clearly want to do right by her, but it’s very likely she will have picked up on all that.

I feel like my sister could have written your post. We did have different childhoods and different relationships with our parents, there are lots of reasons behind this but I know it is something that has effected her.

I messaged this morning and suggested meeting up for a mid week dinner where she lives without children, she replied back straight away and said yes. Hopefully the dinner will be a chance to talk to her and look at how we can repair the relationship moving forwards.

That sounds brilliant, well done for reaching out . And bless her , she said yes. I bet she’s as nervous as you when you met . Don’t mention your children unless she asks . Speak only about her (mainly) and you and your relationship. Tell her you understand her childhood had been totally different to yours and that she is very important to you . Tell her you’ve been thinking a lot . You owe your sister nothing , and never will , she owes you nothing and never will but I think you both have a chance to grow / bond and feel more love towards each other . The more understanding you are of her position and feelings the more you will see and get the lovely side of her she has often shown . I bet deep down she’s lovely, like you .

Im one of 5 children and the only one without kids. I really appreciate that my siblings have a relationship with me that is centered us, and not their kids. We've all had a different experience/relationship with our parents and it's taken work to get to a point where we all appreciate each other.

I love my neices and nephews but going to their parties and kid centered days is not what i call fun! Whats fun is having a relationship with them as the adults/people they are - which of course involves the kids sometimes, but isnt totally based around them.

The fact that you sister accepted your invite straight away speaks volumes.
Hope you have a great time together!

How are you feeling today ?

That’s good you’re meeting up to talk. It sounds like she’s hinted at being depressed and instead of being there for her and trying to help her the family has labelled her a problem and distanced themselves. She’s probably very sad and lonely and doesn’t want to be around your children because she wants a family of her own and she doesn’t have that. I hope you can both foster a better relationship with each other

I have a sister and she wants me to see her kids but moved away woth her bf and I work full time and have a lot on I barely have time to myself ans she keep guilt tripping me but I'm genuinely busy

I've been happily single for years but I would like to finally start dating and work on myself as I've spent years being around everyone's else in couples I've never been jealous or lonely however if I spend my weekends or time woth them I'm putting my happiness on hold and I finally want to start dating. Maybe she just wants to find her own partner or thing to do and doesn't tell you as it will appear jealous. As I don't tell my sister as she'll thi k I'm jealous when I'm not