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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Marriage is dead

8 replies

5hirley · 05/09/2022 19:51

My marriage has not been good for quite a few years but I always lived in hope things would get better and I stayed for the kids. Now our kids have grown up and still live with us (including my gorgeous 7 month old granddaughter) and probably will for many years, i'm absolutely fine with that. My relationship with my husband has completely broken down, I thought we could be friends but I just feel so resentfull and angry towards him. He has never made much of an effort, doesn't talk to me, on his phone all the time or is at work. It is never a problem for him to arrange stuff with friends and will drop everything for a customer but feels like it's a big ask to make plans with me. He has recently spent a lot of money on one of his hobbies (not the first time) we had a 5 day break with all 6 of us, it wasn't very good where we stayed, quite stressfull, I know, at least we had a holiday, which I paid for and I earn very little but managed to save. We are supposed to be going away this weekend just the 2 of us but he let slip he has doubled booked himself with work but will rearrange, I know full well that he hasn't rearranged, after 25 yr marriage I know him too well and I have always come last. I'm not sure if i'm upset or angry or both and why as i don't think I love him anymore we haven't been intimate for over a year. He doesn't ever consider me, he usually tells me not asks or I hear things first hand whilst he's telling other people and try not to look surprised.

I am fortunate to have a fairly comfortable lifestyle but I wear the same clothes for years, I don't have expensive taste not bothered by the latest this or that but I love where we live and have worked hard to get here I don't want to lose it. I'm trying to come to terms that it's completely over but part of me is still hanging on. It's making me feel so depressed, I can go quite a few days without washing or changing clothes or leaving the house but just binge eating. I don't have many friends or family that I can talk to ir would want to talk to, I feel so lonely, even when i'm surrounded by people I feel so alone, I've never felt so low. I just feel invisible, I have to hide my true feelings and emotions partly to shield my kids and partly it will fall on deaf ears if I talk to my husband, in the past when ive poured my heart out he says and does nothing.

OP posts:
Summerbreezee · 05/09/2022 20:23

What's stopping you leaving? As if it's the nice house and lifestyle, none of that will matter if you live out your days in misery. Honestly, you're far better off seeking advice from a good solicitor and going your separate ways so you can finally be free. I'm sure once you do, your low mood will lift.

5hirley · 05/09/2022 20:37

It's not even my lifestyle, I hardly go out, I'm scared I'd be even more unhappy if I left. I keep trying to pretend that I can still live here like we are friends, live seperate lives but together amicably, it's ok for a while then I forget and feel resentfull towards him and snap at everything he does, because nearly everything he does annoys me. I blame him mostly for our relationship breaking down. I have been trying to leave him for years, the last time i tried he said i wouldn't manage without him and I think he could be right.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2022 20:46

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of it otherwise why would you remain there?.

You would manage and likely go onto thrive without him. Such men do not change, this is who he really is. It’s only too late to leave him when you are yourself dead.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 20:55

I'm scared I'd be even more unhappy if I left.

You won't be, I absolutely guarantee it. I personally know several women who left their marriages after 30+ years, and the only regret they have is that they didn't leave years sooner.

Being alone and neglected in a dead marriage is always worse than being single.

TheJudgment · 05/09/2022 20:56

Sounds like you are crippled with fear of the unknown. What if there is a better life out there without him? A life where you are free of this secret and can breathe again. A life where you are not depressed

have you confided in your children, and if not why don’t you try? They will be able to give you perspective or someone close to you

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2022 20:57

I have been trying to leave him for years, the last time i tried he said i wouldn't manage without him and I think he could be right.

Don't listen to his gaslighting bullshit. You already manage without him and have done for years. You don't need him for anything. The only reason he says this rubbish is because he doesn't want to deal with a divorce.

Lozzerbmc · 06/09/2022 20:08

Would you be more unhappy if you left? Could you be more unhappy than you are now? I know the unknown is scary but the other option is to spend the rest of your life being unhappy with this man… also scary. have you thought about having some counselling?

whenisoverover · 22/09/2024 01:03

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