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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to get the courage to end this relationship

2 replies

Mermaidlagoon · 05/09/2022 15:07

I've been with my partner around 9 years and we have a 1 and a half year old. I'm honestly miserable in this relationship, he's a great Dad but a terrible partner. He spends a lot of his spare time watching football or just on his phone, he offers me next to no companionship. We do get on well as a family when the toddler is about and I think we do a good job of raising him together but he's only going to get older and pick up on how unhappy I am. I get no emotional support. I've been suffering from stress recently with work and just life and he's literally sat scrolling on his phone while I've cried. I don't get a day off I'm either working or parenting. I've told him how I feel, how unhappy I am, how much I'm struggling and I get literally nothing, it's like he's already checked out. If I bring up anything that upsets me it ends with him being upset with me for ruining the day. For example the other day he broke a plant pot in the garden for the third time this year by being clumsy and I was upset because I've paid for everything in the garden and I'm the only one that does any gardening and when he broke the other ones he didn't replace them or even so much as pick up the broken terracotta and I just got upset because I could see where this was going, me asking him to replace it and him not so me having to spend more of my money and time to replace it, sweep up the mess, replant the plants etc and I'd had a bad day and I just don't need anymore to do so I got upset and told him but I was then the bad guy for making a big deal of nothing and I shouldn't be upset for something so silly and he's obviously going to replace them on Sunday while I'm at work and I shouldn't assume the worst of him (he didn't replace them)I feel like I can be upset about whatever I'm upset about without having to hide my feelings to keep him happy. Me wanting to leave has happened before and whenever it gets to the point where I'm really at the end of my tether and can't cope with how cold and emotionless he is he realises what he's about to lose and gives me all these kind words about how he'll 'try' to change and I never end up ending things (he doesn't change anything) He just keeps saying I am not living without my son, but refusing to do anything to improve our relationship so it feels to me like he's saying I don't care about you but your stuck with me because I'm not living separate to my son. I've never ever suggested he wouldn't be a massive part of his son's life still, I'd never try and come between them but obviously we can't split and still live together. How do I get the courage to end the relationship? Also in a practical way how do I end the relationship? We both own a house and have a mortgage and pay everything 50/50 (another issue in our relationship since he's full time and I'm part time to have our son but he's not paying anymore than 50%) How would I get him to leave? Or if I left where would I go? How would I afford to live alone since I'm only part time because I'm caring for my son? I'm in the uk. How would I tell my family? How would I tell his family? It all just sounds so exhausting and I'm so so tired and not sure I've got the energy for it all but he's making me so miserable.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 05/09/2022 16:01

I think you have to “choose your hard”. It will be hard leaving but it is also hard staying. I think parting is easier now with your child being so young once he gets older and at school, it will be much harder to separate, so it would be easier to make the break now. It’s not really fair if you’re splitting the bills 50-50 as it should really be split according to your earnings. You are working part time looking after your son which enables him to earn a higher fulltime salary. You would get maintenance. Can you increase hours at work/get childcare?

IrishladyNE · 05/09/2022 19:03

Mermaidlagoon · 05/09/2022 15:07

I've been with my partner around 9 years and we have a 1 and a half year old. I'm honestly miserable in this relationship, he's a great Dad but a terrible partner. He spends a lot of his spare time watching football or just on his phone, he offers me next to no companionship. We do get on well as a family when the toddler is about and I think we do a good job of raising him together but he's only going to get older and pick up on how unhappy I am. I get no emotional support. I've been suffering from stress recently with work and just life and he's literally sat scrolling on his phone while I've cried. I don't get a day off I'm either working or parenting. I've told him how I feel, how unhappy I am, how much I'm struggling and I get literally nothing, it's like he's already checked out. If I bring up anything that upsets me it ends with him being upset with me for ruining the day. For example the other day he broke a plant pot in the garden for the third time this year by being clumsy and I was upset because I've paid for everything in the garden and I'm the only one that does any gardening and when he broke the other ones he didn't replace them or even so much as pick up the broken terracotta and I just got upset because I could see where this was going, me asking him to replace it and him not so me having to spend more of my money and time to replace it, sweep up the mess, replant the plants etc and I'd had a bad day and I just don't need anymore to do so I got upset and told him but I was then the bad guy for making a big deal of nothing and I shouldn't be upset for something so silly and he's obviously going to replace them on Sunday while I'm at work and I shouldn't assume the worst of him (he didn't replace them)I feel like I can be upset about whatever I'm upset about without having to hide my feelings to keep him happy. Me wanting to leave has happened before and whenever it gets to the point where I'm really at the end of my tether and can't cope with how cold and emotionless he is he realises what he's about to lose and gives me all these kind words about how he'll 'try' to change and I never end up ending things (he doesn't change anything) He just keeps saying I am not living without my son, but refusing to do anything to improve our relationship so it feels to me like he's saying I don't care about you but your stuck with me because I'm not living separate to my son. I've never ever suggested he wouldn't be a massive part of his son's life still, I'd never try and come between them but obviously we can't split and still live together. How do I get the courage to end the relationship? Also in a practical way how do I end the relationship? We both own a house and have a mortgage and pay everything 50/50 (another issue in our relationship since he's full time and I'm part time to have our son but he's not paying anymore than 50%) How would I get him to leave? Or if I left where would I go? How would I afford to live alone since I'm only part time because I'm caring for my son? I'm in the uk. How would I tell my family? How would I tell his family? It all just sounds so exhausting and I'm so so tired and not sure I've got the energy for it all but he's making me so miserable.

If you work part time you will also be entitled to universal credit and then he would have to pay child support. I manage ok and it’s way better than living with someone who makes you miserable.

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