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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How annoyed would you be?

54 replies

AmbushedByCake · 05/09/2022 12:03

Back in February, I was invited to an evening function due to happen in September. It was on a Friday in another city, so I would have to stay overnight. I don't work on a Friday. I asked DH to book the day off work so he could pick the children up from school, do dinner and bed. I discussed the function several times, saying how excited I was and booking a hotel. Well he never booked the time off and now he has a mandatory event on the same day, starting in the afternoon and finishing at midnight. We have no family nearby, and nobody to take the children from 3pm after school until 1am when he would get home. So now I have to cancel. How annoyed would you be?

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 05/09/2022 12:23

Get him to look at Sitters, they have people who will do an extended sit like this, and there is time to get in a meet with the babysitter beforehand too if he gets on with it today.

skgnome · 05/09/2022 12:24

So he did not put the day off, knowing fully well he could be working?

yeah, his problem!

I would be furious

but end of day doesn’t matter, how old are your kids? Old enough that you can arrange with other parents to go for a sleepover?

young enough they are still in nursery? And you can ask one of the staff members to babysit?

old enough that they can stay home with a neighbour to keep an eye on them? Maybe an older teen neighbour that would be willing to do it for a low pay?

Suzi888 · 05/09/2022 12:26

that1970shouse · 05/09/2022 12:05

Beyond annoyed. I wouldn't cancel. It's on him to sort childcare if he can't do it himself, otherwise he doesn't go to his "mandatory" event. He can call in sick if necessary.

^ This
He failed not you. He has a lot to sort out doesn’t he, and had better get a move on! He will need to call sick.

HeythereDelilah101 · 05/09/2022 12:28

Fuming. Would just tell him tough shit and I’d go do my thing. He will have to phone in sick won’t he! Ignorant!

girlmom21 · 05/09/2022 12:29

To be fair I don't think we should be encouraging someone who works in the emergency services to phone in sick.

Has he tried to swap shifts?

LindaEllen · 05/09/2022 12:35

As long as you had a proper conversation about it (rather than just vague and in passing) and it was left that he was going to book time off - then you should absolutely not cancel, and it's up to him to sort out childcare.

BadNomad · 05/09/2022 12:35

Can he swap the shift with a colleague?

ZekeZeke · 05/09/2022 12:46

Can he be Covid positive on the day?

whatstheteamarie · 05/09/2022 12:54

How has he said that he is going to resolve this issue?

Have you stated clearly that you will still be attending your event and it is his problem to resolve?

Workawayxx · 05/09/2022 13:00

I'd be livid. Is he at least incredibly incredibly sorry and apologetic? I think you need to let him know it's absolutely not on, mention the other similar situations and say you've noticed it's not just a one off, it is a pattern of behaviour and you won't stand for it.

How old are the kids, can he at least make an effort to sort some childcare?

bloodyunicorns · 05/09/2022 13:02

It's down to him to fox then. If he had booked the day off, it would all be sorted. He needs to go to his boss and apologise and ask to swap shifts. Why should you miss out??

Sunnytwobridges · 05/09/2022 13:03

I’d be pissed

Snugglemonkey · 05/09/2022 13:16

I would be livid. It is his issue to fix though. You are busy and he has cocked up. He can fix it, or he cannot go.

Cherchezlaspice · 05/09/2022 13:20

What’s his explanation? Is he apologetic? Has he taken any steps to resolve the issue?

The answers to those questions would determine how annoyed I was.

wellhelloitsme · 05/09/2022 13:21

If the kids are both school age, could your DH (as it's his responsibility to fix!!) organise sleepovers for each of them with school friends that night, explaining that he made an error and that of course the favour will be returned in the future?

That way the kids both get fun nights with their friends individually (so not too much for one person to take on) and you both get to go to your things.

Original poster
AmbushedByCake · 05/09/2022 13:27

My husband isn't going to do anything to fix it. He can't swap shifts, I know there isn't anyone to cover, and he cannot morally go sick. It would cause real problems. He isn't going to look for childcare, he's never bothered sorting any childcare for anything, and as far as he's concerned the issue is resolved by me not going. Yes, he can be a selfish prick and yes, he is fucking lazy and leaves me to default parent. What am I going to do about it? I don't know. I have zero support where I live and I can't exactly just uproot the children to another part of the UK, where they have no friends and I have no job. So if I leave I'll be stuck here, in a shitty flat with no money and even less backup from my husband than I have currently.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 05/09/2022 13:32

You poor thing this all sounds horrible 😞

You shouldn't have to be the one to do it (obviously as it's his fuck up) but could you organise sleepovers for each of the kids with school friends that night, explaining that it is a one off but that of course the favour will be returned in the future?

NotLactoseFree · 05/09/2022 13:33

Yes, I would be absolutely livid and you have every right to be furious.

It does sound like this is just the tip of the iceberg so perhaps uprooting the DC isn't the worst thing that would happen if they would then be surrounded by people who loved them nd cared for them rather than just having you (because they don't have him currently even if he does live with them).

TheTeenageYears · 05/09/2022 13:42

Not that you should be trying to sort childcare in this situation but as it's that or you cancel I would at least try in your shoes. Are the DC school/nursery age? If so we found nursery staff & TA's were a good source of babysitters so you could see if that might be an option.

Aprilx · 05/09/2022 14:02

This doesn’t sound like an oversight or forgetfulness, it sounds like he set out to ensure that you could not get to your function. I can’t imagine being married to such a spiteful man.

Original poster
AmbushedByCake · 05/09/2022 14:14

Aprilx · 05/09/2022 14:02

This doesn’t sound like an oversight or forgetfulness, it sounds like he set out to ensure that you could not get to your function. I can’t imagine being married to such a spiteful man.

No, that's a bit unfair, he genuinely isn't like that. Lazy, yes, forgetful, yes, but spiteful and a sabotuer, no.

OP posts:
Teenyliving · 05/09/2022 14:14

Do you do his washing and cook for him op? I’d be stopping that right now

i would do everything my children needed and I would do a big fat zero of anything he needed

i would also then make a plan to leave

girlmom21 · 05/09/2022 14:14

It is spiteful if he's not now doing everything he can to fix his mistake.

Mumsafan · 05/09/2022 14:15

Don't cancel. You were there first. He has to sort it out.

KosherDill · 05/09/2022 14:55

AmbushedByCake · 05/09/2022 13:27

My husband isn't going to do anything to fix it. He can't swap shifts, I know there isn't anyone to cover, and he cannot morally go sick. It would cause real problems. He isn't going to look for childcare, he's never bothered sorting any childcare for anything, and as far as he's concerned the issue is resolved by me not going. Yes, he can be a selfish prick and yes, he is fucking lazy and leaves me to default parent. What am I going to do about it? I don't know. I have zero support where I live and I can't exactly just uproot the children to another part of the UK, where they have no friends and I have no job. So if I leave I'll be stuck here, in a shitty flat with no money and even less backup from my husband than I have currently.

But at least you'd have self-respect.