Supplementing a young adult

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My son is 23 (lives with me) he is doing an apprenticeship, though his basic salary is paid above the normal rate. He has been working there since April 2021. I cleared all his prior debts, and paid his car insurance so he had no outgoings at the time (2021, and he pays his own insurance now)

He still goes out drinking/buys clothes/holidays (no savings whatsoever) and has an expensive holiday booked in the next couple of months. He has been working day and night purely to fund the holiday. He pays me £150 per month, does absolutely nothing indoors. He's not unkind/abusive etc, he's a likeable lad, but incredibly selfish and entitled (he can't see this) I am single, and work in a low paid job. I feel guilty taking money or saying stuff, because I feel responsible (and compensate) for his useless father.

Please talk some sense into me, am I being unreasonable in asking him to contribute so that I am not keeping him, as I don't feel I should be.

I have posted in 'parents of adult children' but this category gets more traffic.

What are you asking? Should your son pay £35 a week to live with you?

If you can afford for him to live there without paying then that's a decision only you can make around teaching life lessons. If you can't afford for him to live there rent free then it's totally acceptable. You don't mention what percentage of his wages £150 is, but if you think you're overcharging then reduce it!

I am not sure what you’re asking
at 23 years old it is not unreasonable for him to contribute to household finances - £150 seems low but I don’t know what he earns

he should also pull his weight indoors ie laundry, cooking, cleaning - why should you do it all?

He’s an adult.
he should contribute towards bills and groceries.
if he were to move out he would be paying a hell of a lot more.
if he has no savings he isn’t saving towards buying a house. He’s got it good with you and knows it.
show him the bills and calculate 50% together.

Thanks for your replies.

I am on a low wage, so no I cannot afford to keep him, especially as he still affords to go out/buy clothes (expensive) and holidays, he is not saving for a deposit to move out.

@toodlesthen his rate varies, especially when he works overtime, some months he brings home over £2k

@Danikm151 thank you, in my heart I know he is taking liberties, however, I know I am enabling him. I just want to have the courage of my convictions when I tell him he needs to contribute more, and not just financially.

Tell him he’ll be screwed when he moves out and doesn’t know how to run a house.
start off with little things like taking the bins out then washing up then build up to equal responsibility

I am in exactly your position (except with DS 22 - just started work after uni). he started working three months ago and was absolutely stunned to learn he would be expected to pay digs. He said he might as well move out then, I sent him a link to nearby properties/spare room. He soon came round.

my son pays £200 basic monthly digs, his share of food/cleaning/basic toiletries shopping and his share of occasional takeaway/meal out.

This is an agreement for one year (To let him save/adjust). If he wants to keep staying here after the year is up the digs will be going up. I will never take full market value though - he is my son!

He earns £2100 a month.

Don't undersell your home and it's value, and don't be scared or an argument. Good luck!

I would be upping his rent after his holiday (cost of living) and tell him he needs to do his washing after showing him how to use the machine.
You could ask him to cook a couple of times a week?
I have three boys and I have been an enabler. I also have cancer and have just spent three weeks in hospital. It has suddenly dawned on them how much I do.... middle DS (21) phoned me to say he had cancelled plans due to having to wash his clothes 'it's never ending mum'
I regret letting them/ enabling them to do nothing. I have done them no favours really.

I've been the same. The correction period is difficult but really needed. My son has perfected the puppy dog look/overly complimentary gushing to try to get me to do stuff for him. I just laugh and say no now. But it took a while to get there!

I'm sorry it took such a difficult time for them to appreciate you! Hopefully they will not forget again.

no I cannot afford to keep him, especially as he still affords to go out/buy clothes (expensive) and holidays,

You need to separate out what he spends his income on from your ability to afford to keep him. If you can't afford to keep him on the £150 he gives you, then whether he saves his salary or pisses it up the wall makes no difference!

It sounds like you need to start charging him more, and get him to sort his own washing and meal prep out.

Have a conversation with him! 'Ds i cannot afford to keep charging you such a low rent and provide all the food in the house. What would you prefer - to buy and cook your own meals, or to give me an extra £100 a month?'

Has he any notion whatsoever of what life costs?

Sit him down with a spreadsheet or list of your monthly outgoings.
Include one-offs like boiler repair fund, car service, plumbing emergency.
Don't forget fuel costs, food bills, internet - in short, everything that you have to shell out over the course of a year.

Then write down what you take home each month. Show him how little you have left over, if any.
Compare it with his. £2100 is a LOT if money when living only costs you £150 a month!
Ask him why he feels he should keep his mother short when she's already struggling.
Ask him how he would cope paying at least £500 a month for a flat share & all his share of the bills.

Also FFS stop doing his laundry, shopping for him, cooking for him - anything - until he sees the light & stops using you as a resource while he blows all his money on himself.

He could be saving about a grand a month on his income.
Somebody needs to teach him the financial facts of life.

This entitled CF attitude didn’t come from nowhere. I never understand the disbelief from parents who enable their offspring to act like entitled CF’s when said offspring act like entitled CF’s. The sooner he understands that in the real world no one is waiting to pick up his undies and to subsidise his party lifestyle, the better.

Development wise, him living independently would be the best thing for him.

@AgentJohnson I did say I'm an enabler, I know I have made a rod, I'm just, I guess, garnering some reassurance that I'm not expecting too much.

@titchy completely agree about his spending, I couldn't care what he spends his money on, but I'm subsidising that lifestyle, so it has to stop.

I would do as someone else has said, and ask him for more after his holiday.

Sit and do a breakdown of what you pay and work out what is a reasonable contribution.
id be aiming for £300-£400 per month and some household chores divided between you both.

lay it out calmly now, but be very clear that that is the expectation when he gets back from his holiday.

Well he is a man so I think he should be paying half of everything to be honest

You need to work out the total amount for all bills. What is his share? If he's earning £2k a month he can afford to pay his fair share.

I honestly can't imagine bringing up children to do nothing around the house that they live in. My dc are teenagers at school and sixth from college and they do lots of things that help the house to run. My 18 year old is cooking dinner tonight. My 15 year old cooked yesterday. They both do washing etc.

I will be asking for more after the holiday.

As a PP said, he is a man, and should be paying 50%, however, I am not trying to make a profit, my objective is, that if I were living here alone, my outgoings would be far less than they are. He showers for at least 15mins. Runs hot water/leaves the oven on/lights on etc etc. I'm paying for his lackadaisical attitude towards these things.

At least I'm getting a few perspectives to ponder over.

Thank you

My 20yr old pays £400 per month and that’s nearly a third of his salary .
he does his own washing and cooking as well as some of the housework daily tasks . If he doesn’t like it then he is free to move out !

I’m a single working parent too - there is no way I have the time to pander to an adult child . You’re setting him up to be a very poor husband to some unlucky lady in the future !

tell him to pay more . Tell him to do certain housework etc - don’t ask - it’s his home too and had a responsibility to look after it.

For all inclusive board (accommodation, utilities, council tax, food, housekeeping -cooking, cleaning and laundry etc), which it sounds like you're providing, should be about £1500 a month. Maybe more when gas and electric goes up. Start there and negotiate a discount if he's prepared to pull his weight with equal share of the housekeeping. He's an adult and you aren't his slave.

I could not afford to keep d s once he gets a job. He will have to pay £50 weekly food plus £130 a month towards bills. Until then I am brassic as Child Tax Credit stopped when I cashed in a pension in the pandemic. I may have to charge him more but did not want to profit by him working.

He puts bins out does dishes and does his room. Yours needs to step up.

When ou son started working, we took 30% of his take home wages off him.

We were fortunate enough to not need the money so we put it into an ac account and later when he was looking to buy a house it was given to him to help.
This came as a great surprise as we hadn't told him we were saving the money (to ensure that he did not feel entitled to it etc).

We wanted him to understand the costs of living.

£150 is not enough IMO.

I was paying £300/month to my parents 10 years ago, and even then that amount was pretty light at the time, but eventually enabled me to save for a good deposit and move out.