How do I learn to like my mother again?

[caffecream]

I love my mum. She was great when I was little, really strong and funny, full of life and energy.

Then she had a ban run. She was made redundant in 2008. Then my grandmother and grandfather passed away (not at the sand time, seven years between them).

Since then she hasn't worked, and now lives off a small private pension (she is too young for state pension) plus my grandparents left her some money, but that is fast running out. She has moved into their house and has filled it with stuff. It's like land of the hoarders in there now.

I've tried to advise her to go back to work. It's been 14 years of scrimping and saving. I help her out when I can, but I think she resents that. She is angry that I have an easy life. I don't - it's bloody hard sometimes but I don't whinge about it!

She can't stand my husband and moans about him to me. He isn't perfect but he's a good man. She has taken an irrational dislike of his family and wants me to hate them too. She doesn't have a good word to say about anyone. Everything everyone does is wrong. Everything is a perceived slight in some way.

Where has the mother I admire and like gone? I accept she has depression but she won't get help. How can I help her when she is so mean about everyone?

Sorry, meant to say, my father isn't in the scene. They divorced decades ago.

Honestly, I know she is your mother but sometimes you have to live people from a distance

Thanks so much. Maybe that's the answer. Why do I feel I've failed that way though?

I think she is who she is and you need to accept that and manage your time accordingly.

She is your mother so in that regard she is irreplaceable and so all you can do is manage the situation.

Maybe take her out for lunch or a walk so you aren’t faced with the hoarding issue but also so you can get away when you are struggling with her draining behaviour. It sounds very tough.

Thank you. I know you're right. I spend so long thinking about how I could try to help her get back to who she was. Is it possible, even if she wanted to? She used to have friends and even partners. Now everyone is written off before they get close.