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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I overreacting?

6 replies

Mum1993x · 04/09/2022 23:56

Ive been with my current partner for 3 and a half years and have a nearly 1 year old son together. For the most part he makes me really happy and is a great dad to our son. My ex was very abusive and 1 thing I had said was important with my current partner was that he was not to lie to me. He overstepped this mark with a little white lie a few months ago no big deal but I made sure to remind him no lies. Last night a text pops up on his phone from a girl he works with (who he told me had left ages ago so I was surprised) I couldn't help open then message and seen previous messages of her telling him she was speaking to the boss who wanted to offer him a job 5 minutes from home. He currently travels 1 hour 20 minutes to and from work. He declined the offer and mentioned nothing to me about any of it. Knowing this I asked if he could speak to someone about getting moved or did anyone in work know anything and he denied everything to my face. I confronted him and he tried to downplay everything making out as if I would have overreacted and its not a big deal. For context we've lived together for 2 years and he hasn't yet moved his doctor, hospital or work from the North to the South so I couldn't understand him refusing the job closer to home. Anytime I try get him to commit properly he says his anxiety is stopping him moving everything. I lay awake all night last night thinking about everything, the lies, how he doesn't help around the house, always has lie ins and leaves majority of things to me, is always on his phone and less present with our son as of late, I have to make all the effort and feel alone, so unappreciated and disrespected. I tried to talk my feelings out with him and he acted the victim in every message telling me I'm just attacking his flaws. I really love this man and he makes me so happy but I'm tired of being in a relationship with what feels like a child so I told him I wanted to end things. Did I overreact?.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 05/09/2022 03:26

Not necessarily, he sounds like he's only half in it tbh. If he takes this possible ending with ease, then you will know he was never really in it. So you have forced his hand, and so one way or the other you will find out what's going on in his mind.
I'd say well done, it take some balls to challenge things with a baby.

GreyCarpet · 05/09/2022 04:34

he makes me so happy

You need to look at the whole person and not just how he makes you feel sometimes.

Because it doesn't sound like he makes you so happy.

It looks like sometimes he tells you stuff you want to hear and the rest of it, he has his own personal agenda.

GreyCarpet · 05/09/2022 04:36

Sorry, missed the but whee you'd ended it!

So, no, you definitely didn't overreact! You're one of the few women who post on here who doesn't end up staying with a useless bloke.

Good for you.

DosCervezas · 05/09/2022 07:18

Openness and honesty works both ways. You looked at a message on his phone and then questioned him on the matter without disclosing this, apparently to see what his response would be? I understand why you did this, especially after your past relationship, but it might have been a bit of an ambush going on here? The text conversation has a good chance of being innocent , but your partner decided to keep it private. Yes that shouldn't be the case,but maybe he saw it could lead to questioning etc which he didn't want to start. Don't end things, work on mutual trust and openness, but remember both of are entitled to your own ( faithful) lives too.

Watchkeys · 05/09/2022 07:49

The incident with the phone is a separate matter. And irrelevant.

Why are you saying you're happy, and also the lies, how he doesn't help around the house, always has lie ins and leaves majority of things to me, is always on his phone and less present with our son as of late, I have to make all the effort and feel alone, so unappreciated and disrespected

Where did you learn that being unappreciated and disrespected means love and happiness? Were your parents unappreciative and disrespectful to each other? People aren't born looking for relationships that feel like this, it's conditioning. People in happy relationships don't feel disrespected by their partners, ever. Not for a minute.

Justcallmebebes · 05/09/2022 14:01

There's a difference between lying and keeping certain things to yourself. I think you overstepped the mark personally but then you go on to say he's a rubbish partner anyway so breaking up is probably best as it looks like neither of you trust the other

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