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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Husband Again

25 replies

Leyline7 · 04/09/2022 21:39

I’ve posted here before but I’ve name changed as I’ve mainly been able to manage things without speaking to anyone.
I’m feeling a bit nervous and so decided to post again. When I’ve posted before it has been suggested that my husband has narcissistic traits and Women’s Aid also said the same across several calls.

If you met my husband you would think he was great, he’s very charming and very clever. He’s very well respected at work. When we got married and bought a house these traits appeared. It was very shocking to me. We have a child and I’ve been a SAHM for a few years.

My DH has always complained about being the sole bread winner and not understood the value of my role, particularly the way it’s allowed his career to flourish. Weirdly since last Christmas he has been very nice, but I don’t know why. This summer I started to get nervous, he started going out drinking a lot more and this culminated in him staying out till 3.30am with a very young student. I saw a text on his phone when our child got hold of it asking Can I see you again?

The last few years he has been complaining about being the sole breadwinner. I’ve now got a part time job and since I was offered it his weird moods have returned, as though he is unhappy about it, I’ve put a lot into our child starting school and her birthday and his mood seems to have got worse the more I have done well. I have also have also lost weight recently.

For various reasons I can’t confide in people in real life, it would make my situation less safe. Hence why I have posted here a few times. I feel like the fact I have done well lately has triggered his meanness again even though he had wanted me to get a job and lose weight for ages.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

brookstar · 04/09/2022 21:44

In no way do I mean to minimise his treatment of you but, to get a fuller picture, I was wondering if there is a particular reason why you don't work?

abovedecknotbelow · 04/09/2022 21:46

Agree with op is there a reason you don't work?

Original poster

Leyline7 · 04/09/2022 21:46

I am working now but I was a SAHM for couple of years, partly while we were relocating,

OP posts:

Queenie6655 · 04/09/2022 21:47

He is awful

He's having an affair

Get out with your child while you can

abovedecknotbelow · 04/09/2022 21:47

Based on that then he sounds like a twat and his head has been turned.

brookstar · 04/09/2022 21:50

You mention a young student? Is this someone he teaches?

Original poster

Leyline7 · 04/09/2022 21:51

The weird thing is that his odd behaviour has come back since I was offered a job, and previously he was annoyed at being the sole breadwinner.

OP posts:

Original poster

Leyline7 · 04/09/2022 21:52

No it’s a young girl he met in a club rather than someone he teaches.

OP posts:

GoneWithTheWine1 · 04/09/2022 21:54

He's seeing the young girl behind your back.

Why haven't you left him before?

Original poster

Leyline7 · 04/09/2022 22:00

It’s a complicated situation and I didn’t want to write too much as it makes me scared but there are good reasons, although it must sound very silly. I’ve been able to relocate close to my family whilst my husband has been able to be promoted so it has benefited everyone.

This is the very best I can do for now but I have to be careful about what I say. I have experienced severe emotional numbing and can’t feel my emotions so I have from time to time posted here to help me cope. There is occasional emotional abuse I suppose you’d call it.

OP posts:

crispsndip · 04/09/2022 22:01

Trust me OP men like this will say they want such and such and when you do it they will still be unhappy, and will shift the goalposts again. I went through cycles of that until I realised my ex would always be unhappy, he was perpetually unhappy, liked bullying people, and hated me (he said this to me).

Also never mind him, you sound so underappreciated and unhappy. Think back to when you were a little girl -- you'd know this was wrong as a future for her, wouldn't you. There's no shame in divorce when things are as bad as this, and also my last comment would be that men like this actively hold you back from being your best self, so the day you're waiting for to feel strong enough to leave/in a good place will never come. Just go. It simply isn't good enough to be your life!

daisychain01 · 04/09/2022 22:01

Leyline7 · 04/09/2022 21:52

No it’s a young girl he met in a club rather than someone he teaches.

He isn't behaving like a married man.

He doesn't want your success.

He doesn't acknowledge your role as a mother and focuses instead about him being the breadwinner.

he doesn't like the fact you've lost weight - he probably feels threatened, as if you are his possession.

none of his behaviours are good signs for the future of your relationship.

brookstar · 04/09/2022 22:06

He isn't behaving like a married man.

I agree. This isn't how good husband's treat their wives.

noclothesinbed · 04/09/2022 22:10

Raise your expectations. Stop being a doormat. Reach out to your family for help to split from him

Original poster

Leyline7 · 04/09/2022 22:13

It’s funny as when we met he seemed wonderful yet someone who had been wronged by his childhood, which I guess he was and it’s impacted him now. He’s genuinely a victim too of his parents.

Since I stopped working, with my maternity leave, he started to become disdainful which was a huge shock. I have written posts before with shocking examples of behaviour and language and psychological stuff. The family are all living in the Middle East so I can’t risk losing my daughter.

No one working with my DH would believe he could say a word wrong to anyone. He is hugely admired, this is among powerful people, and I wouldn’t stand a chance so am better off living near my family and trying to keep him onside. I’m largely ok with it all but I can sense a shift in his mood which makes me nervous but I can literally talk to no one.

The really good thing is we are no longer in lockdown and I’m very very lucky compared to many other women.

OP posts:

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 04/09/2022 22:15

It's not about if you work or not, it's him wanting to have something to have a go at you over. H does the same. When you didn't work that was the problem, now something else will be, maybe you don't work enough, maybe him saying standards at home are slipping or he'll find something completely different to blame you for. It could anything and nothing, H once told me the house was a pigsty and had a go at me, because there were dishes beside the dishwasher.

Original poster

Leyline7 · 04/09/2022 22:17

Crispsndips that sounds very similar and sorry you have experienced this. My husband is never happy or satisfied. I’ve spent so much money buying things that would make him happy and then they haven’t after all.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2022 22:17

What are the traits you say started to come out? What are you afraid of?

TooHotToTangoToo · 04/09/2022 22:18

He sees your job, and new found confidence as a threat to him, he's losing his control over you.

By you being a sahp, he feels he can treat you anyway he likes, he had you trapped. Now you have an income, you've lost weight which also means that other men may find your attractive and take you away. It's not because he cares, it's because he wants to have complete control over you

Original poster

Leyline7 · 04/09/2022 22:18

Luna I have had the same, anger about the mess when we had a tiny baby, and the threat of getting a cleaner. Not in a nice way to help but to show up my slovenly ways I think. Maybe all this is much more common that we think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Leyline7 · 04/09/2022 22:24

Anne the traits were over many years and I almost block them out. Mainly verbal ‘ranting’ and criticising. From things like the British Empire which was a constant one since I’m white and my husband isn’t, although he’s British. To the untidiness of the house and a couple of things that would be very identifying but very very wearing and very unfair. But I would be ranted at over weeks until I felt worn down and my emotions became numb.

Eventually my ‘wrongs’ would culminate in nights out where he wouldn’t contact me snd I wouldn’t know where he was.

OP posts:

crispsndip · 04/09/2022 22:28

Unfortunately it is common OP. Men like this can't take any responsibility for their own negative/complex emotions, especially feelings like shame, so they have to project them onto you. They feel something that makes them uncomfortable and they can't have it be part of them, so the answer must be it comes from you -- you're the problem! This is why they are so openly contemptuous. They hate themselves but that is too much so they need to hate you. He will suck the life out of you OP. They are vampires. And the reason why your emotions are numb is because he's scrambled them. On purpose.

Original poster

Leyline7 · 04/09/2022 22:40

You talk a lot of sense crisps and I can tell you must have done all the reading and research I’ve done. I hope things are better for you now.

it took me about three years to realise I wasn’t just over sensitive and then WA mentioned narcissism. He’s been really ok since about January this year. It sems to be me getting this job, which is just part time snd not like my old job. Plus a couple of family events I’ve done well and he’s overheard someone complement me. Plus catching him out over this girl. I know how to get on and cope but every so often once a year or so it’s so nice to hear what other women think.

OP posts:

crispsndip · 04/09/2022 23:12

Yes thank you things are much better for me! Me and the kids are going to be very poor indeed, but we will be love-rich. And we will be able to be ourselves. And to experience joy and just be real. I do hope you leave.

Aikko · 04/09/2022 23:22

He's having an affair and is trying to find excuses to blame you, and to justify to himself why he's shagging someone else. Shocking.

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