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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is my next step

9 replies

Teresa0000 · 04/09/2022 20:48

I have been married for 30 years. I thought my husband and I were happy. We spend time together, laugh, have good sex. I found a kik account and I can tell he has met up with women. I am sick about it. As soon as I say something I know it will blow up our family. I have a son who will go away to college next summer. I don't know if I can hold this in though. Do I try to catch him in a lie/cheating or just go with the evidence I have (I took pics of the chats)

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 05/09/2022 09:38

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've got enough evidence there if it's stuff about meeting for sex, intimate conversations etc. Can you forgive that? I couldn't.

Original poster
Teresa0000 · 05/09/2022 17:53

I think I continue to get confused by his actions. He's attentive, engaged with the family, makes plans for us...I would NEVER have figured out that anything was going on because that has been him throughout our marriage. I'm baffled by his duplicity and it causes me to second guess myself. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 07/09/2022 10:14

@Teresa0000 are you okay? Have you decided to do anything? X

Original poster
Teresa0000 · 07/09/2022 16:11

We talked and he admitted what he did. I told him I don't know if I can stay. We are slowly working on it but I don't know if I can forgive him. We've been together more than half of our lives. I know I can be fine on my own so I'm not staying for that. It's the over 30 years of investment. I feel like I will be viewed as stupid but now having been in this situation, I can see how it's not black and white like I thought it would be.

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 07/09/2022 16:14

Why did he do it ? Did he tell you?

ilikemethewayiam · 08/09/2022 17:20

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I’ve been where you are and the shock is indescribable. I hope you're doing ok. 💐

KangarooKenny · 08/09/2022 17:33

You’ll never trust him again. He did this, not you, you’re not the stupid one.

Idontdoyoga · 08/09/2022 17:45

You are not alone. There’s lots of us who have discovered non sense like this. What is it with blokes? My partner is 75 (and a widower) & I caught him on two dating sites last spring. (We don’t cohabit but been partners for years.)

We’re working through it but I actually vomited when I came across his kissy kissy email messages to other women. He’d completely air brushed me out of his “history” narrative.
You’re right, it’s not black & white so at my age I remain loyal & optimistic and I love him but I’m probably flogging a dead horse.

Original poster
Teresa0000 · 08/09/2022 19:03

It is devasting and slowly we're talking. Earlier this year he had a major health scare. He said this started with his fear he would die. It was hard for him to describe how he came to this as a solution but he said he knew it made no sense. He said he couldn't show me his "weakness" even tho he knows i would have been supportive not judgy. He was stuck in what he thought he needed to be as a husband. He is remorseful and while i am no where near forgiveness, I will work with him on our marriage.

Thank you everyone for your support. I can't express how it helped me.

OP posts:
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