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Original poster

Best Friend Unsupportive After Pregnancy

24 replies

Purplehaze28 · 04/09/2022 20:44

Hi everyone. I have been best friends with my friend for 20 years. A year ago I gave birth to my daughter. My friend wasn’t about that much during my pregnancy. I was sick throughout so I didn’t get out much. She came to visit me and then I didn’t hear from her until my daughter was born two months later. She then went into a crazy drive of texts when I was giving birth - messaging me, my husband and my sister trying to get information.

After the baby was born, she came to visit. She is unvaccinated so I asked that she wear a mask. She visited a few days after we got home from hospital, then all went quiet. I think she thought I didn’t want her around because she was unvaccinated but I never said that, just that I wanted her to wear a mask.

I didn’t see her again until my baby was three months old. My daughter is now one and she has seen her five times. I thought as my best friend she would have been more supportive, and I am really hurt and angry. What makes this more complicated is that I am also friends with her brother, so I wouldn’t want to leave anything on bad terms.

She recently messaged asking to meet up, and I am honestly feeling so angry I don’t know if I can.

I’ve always been supportive, running to her whenever she is going through a break up etc. This one time I needed her to be there for me.

OP posts:
anotherpotoftea · 04/09/2022 20:45

Could she be having fertility issues and finding it hard being around you now you have a baby?

Mabelstearooms · 04/09/2022 20:49

Considering there has been a pandemic and multiple lockdowns in the last few years I don't think meeting your baby 5 times is bad at all. Maybe she was giving you space to enjoy your new baby. Maybe she doesn't like babies and doesn't want to hang out with yours, not everyone does. Maybe she does but is struggling to conceive. Unless there is going to be a big drip feed, then I don't see why you're feeling as angry as you are.

Jobsharenightmare · 04/09/2022 20:49

Did you suggest meeting up/her coming over etc this past year? I ask as some people might assume you want to be with your baby and wait to be invited. I wouldn't imagine a best friend making those assumptions and not actually checking though. It does seem odd if you normally see each other lots to go to less than once every two months... but all went quiet suggests you didn't contact her either.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2022 20:54

How often would you usually see her? She sounds like she’s made plenty of effort to see you tbh.

What sort of support do you expect? You’ve had a baby, that’s massive for you but to her you’re just less available now. You’ve got a husband and a sister and it’s a baby not a terminal diagnosis, I doubt she’s aware you have such high expectations. I wouldn’t, with many friends who became parents or being one myself.

She may have a reason you don’t know about, she may find babies boring, she may be pulling back because you’re trying to lean on her too much, she may be around as much as she was before.

If you don’t accept the invitation you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. You can’t be annoyed she doesn’t make an effort while she’s literally making an effort.

YelloCar · 04/09/2022 21:01

anotherpotoftea · 04/09/2022 20:45

Could she be having fertility issues and finding it hard being around you now you have a baby?

I wondered this. Maybe the mask issue is a red herring.

None of us can tell you the reasons you’ve both been absent with each other though - you can only find out how she feels by asking her.

She’s making an effort now, if the friendship is worth it then don’t turn her away.

Original poster
Purplehaze28 · 04/09/2022 21:20

She’s not having fertility issues. In fact it was I that had the fertility issues - took four years to have our daughter through ivf

OP posts:
YouAreNotBatman · 04/09/2022 21:25

I thought as my best friend she would have been more supportive

It’s your kid, you chose to have it.
People need to stop assuming that the rest of the world cares about your kids.

firstmummy2019 · 04/09/2022 21:26

Why would she need to wear a mask if unvaccinated? You can still catch and pass covid on if vaccinated. If she wasn't displaying symptoms, she may have thought your request was a bit ott.

anotherpotoftea · 04/09/2022 21:28

Purplehaze28 · 04/09/2022 21:20

She’s not having fertility issues. In fact it was I that had the fertility issues - took four years to have our daughter through ivf

You sound sure that she’s not - are you sure, though?

I couldn’t TTC for years for health reasons. My
friend who had IVF has no idea how upset I was or how hard I found it being around her.

anotherpotoftea · 04/09/2022 21:29

Just one theory obviously. Had missed she was unvaccinated though. TBH unvaxxed people can be very weird and defensive…

Original poster
Purplehaze28 · 04/09/2022 21:31

She may have found it OTT but if you are unvaccinated you do have a higher viral load if you have covid.

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 04/09/2022 21:32

Purplehaze28 · 04/09/2022 21:31

She may have found it OTT but if you are unvaccinated you do have a higher viral load if you have covid.

But did she have covid?

Flossiemoss · 04/09/2022 21:32

Its not worth it. Its amazing how often friends are lost with birth of a new baby.
Those you think are good friends turn out to not actually be that interested in you or your life when you can't serve their needs. Fortunately you do often meet good friends along the way who are there for you.

See her if it suits you - but don't expect anything. If it doesn't suit you skip it.

RaRaRaspoutine · 04/09/2022 21:33

sorry but I’ve been the friend in this situation. I have zero interest in babies. I’m friends with you, not your baby, and I can’t have a conversation because your kid is (rightly) taking up your attention. Trying to talk over a crying baby isn’t fun.

Original poster
Purplehaze28 · 04/09/2022 21:33

I had a difficult labour and postpartum. Couldn’t stand for weeks. I had other friends that called or brought me food or asked how I was doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplehaze28 · 04/09/2022 21:37

Yes there were occasions where I asked to meet up but she didn’t want to :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplehaze28 · 04/09/2022 21:39

Unless she had tested at the time I don’t know. She works in a nursery and I was being cautious around my newborn.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 04/09/2022 21:41

It sounds like you did see her though. Seeing her five times in a year? That’s a fair amount.

Original poster
Purplehaze28 · 04/09/2022 21:42

For us that is not a lot- we would usually see each other every fortnight at least!

OP posts:
Spudina · 04/09/2022 21:45

You are at different life stages. I know having a baby is a huge fucking deal and takes up 100% of your focus, but it’s not the same for everyone else. I find other people’s babies boring to be frank. And I’ve had two. Could you arrange to see her without your baby? Have a proper catchup? Do you have other Mum friends to do baby stuff with??

EllieRosesMammy · 04/09/2022 22:00

It sucks but this happens a lot, especially when you're possibly both at different stages of your life. We are all so involved in our own situations sometimes that we forget that not everyone is going through the same stuff. For you, you had a child and your whole world and perspective of what's important most likely changed. For her, maybe not so much. I think part of having children is learning that you do end up seeing your friends less, and that's okay as long as at the end of the day when you really need each other you're there. My bestfriend is a single, childless 28 year old guy vs me who's an engaged, 27 year old mother of almost 3 daughters. We lead very very different lives and we definetely don't see each other as much as we did before I had kids, but that's fine! We are both still here for each other if we need 😊

felulageller · 04/09/2022 22:12

You lose childless friends when you have DC. It's well documented.

Sad but true. Not necessarily malicious. Just society isn't set up to facilitate babies being in adult spaces in our culture.

She wouldn't feel comfortable in a soft play and you can't take your dc to a nightclub.

Once a fortnight is a lot and most mums just wouldn't have that amount of free time to facilitate a friendship long term.

5 times a year is actually really good. Try to focus on the positives rather than the loss of your old life.

Ki44 · 04/09/2022 22:56

Does she have kids? Sometimes I think people just don't know until they've been there. I was the last to get married and have kids out of my social group. I cringe now when I look back at how blasé I was about it when they were going through it. When I got married and then had a baby they were all there, super organised and helpful because they know how difficult it is.

I'm a little shame faced that I wasn't more proactive when it was them but I genuinely didn't get it. Didn't realise how much planning and stress goes into a wedding and didn't realise just how draining being pregnant is, or how long it can take to recover and all the hormones and the major life change after the baby arrives.

I've made a fair few tearful apologies along the way......saying- I'm so sorry I didn't help you at all in comparison, I just didnt know it was this hard. They all laughed and said 'we know'. None of them held it against me, thankfully!

Ki44 · 04/09/2022 22:57

P.s I should also add, I thought I was being a good friend giving them space!

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