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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive ex

19 replies

Bluemoon22 · 04/09/2022 18:05

So last week my ex partner was arrested regarding his abuse towards me and then bailed to our house meaning me and our child have had to leave and are currently waiting for emergency housing. Ladies who have been through this how did you feel? I'm feeling really guilty that i've ruined my sons life and taken him away from his home and now he has a social worker. Just never ever expected i'd be in a situation like this at all. All the stress of it is getting to me and i'm really scared about where we will live

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RandomMess · 04/09/2022 18:08

Why do you feel guilty that your abusive ex has made your DS life not as good?

Your DS life is not ruined Flowers

Bluemoon22 · 04/09/2022 18:19

Its just seeing his little face all confused as to why we are staying at his nanny's and tomorrow i'll have to move him again to god knows where. He starts school this week and i don't want this situation to affect him there

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RandomMess · 04/09/2022 18:23

That is all on your ex not you though.

Bluemoon22 · 04/09/2022 18:31

I know. A part of me feels like i should have just never said anything and lived with it

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Xpologog · 04/09/2022 21:46

This is all on your ex —- none of this is your fault. IMO he should have been out in a bail hostel, you should have stayed in the house— but I know you didn’t get a choice, bloody unfair.
Your ds will take his lead from you. The calmer you can be, the more cheerful ( difficult I know) the better it will be for him. Reassure him everything is fine, and keep a routine as best you can.
It’s a horrible situation but continuing the relationship would be far more damaging to you and your son. Good luck, stay strong. 💐

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 04/09/2022 21:48

Be proud you have taken steps to ensure he is safe. Not all dm's can sadly do that.
Remember op that dc don't need 'stuff', they need to feel loved and safe.

JulesCobb · 04/09/2022 21:52

+So last week my ex partner was arrested regarding his abuse towards me and then bailed to our house meaning me and our child have had to leave and are currently waiting for emergency housing*

thats absolute madness!

Newusernameaug · 04/09/2022 22:07

Fucking hell - no wonder so many women find it so hard to leave!

well done, keep posting on here, this lot will help you stay strong. You’ve done the hardest part. Now just stick to your guns. For your child’s sake - their future and all your safety you have to make sure your kept safe.

Bluemoon22 · 05/09/2022 07:45

Thank you everyone for your kind words. We should hear about housing today and i am absolutely terrified where they are going to put us.

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Newusernameaug · 05/09/2022 17:54

Hope you get something sorted out OP

Bluemoon22 · 05/09/2022 19:22

Nothing sorted yet! The council wanted to move me to a refuge which could be anywhere in the country. Thats fine but i have a child due to start reception, a job and under the hospital for cancer check ups so not really do able

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GottaBeStrong · 06/09/2022 00:23

I have been in a similar situation this past year.

Fled - he got arrested. We weren't allowed to return home (safeguarding) and didn't want to due to trauma regarding the abuse sustained in the property. He was remanded. We sofa surfed and then eventually came to a relatives' house to await housing. It was a nightmare as I was trying to deal with the police, DV services, Social Care, housing and other organisations all at the same time.

My child just started reception. I had to change schools for them as we can't go to the one they were supposed to go to. It has been so stressful trying to get a new school place and sort out uniform at last minute.

But... it is 100% worth all that. My child is safe. I am safe. No more physical violence. We are free and no longer locked up in the home/specific rooms never knowing when we'd be allowed out and being told what to do all the time. We can do what we want and eat what we want - within reason. It's priceless!

We have just heard about an offer of housing. We should be settled in our new home by half term. It means another change of schools, sorting out another lot of uniform and filling in copious more forms, being quite far away from friends and having to try to furnish an entire house from scratch. But... we shall be free in our own space and can start to recover.

You can do this too. Your child and you deserve to feel safe and happy. It takes time. You have to just try to roll with it. Although it is really upsetting and demoralising at times, the short term discomfort will be worth the long term freedom and safety.

Bluemoon22 · 06/09/2022 07:06

@GottaBeStrong thank you so much. This is exactly us now. Its so hard and the stress of it all makes me feel like it wasn't worth me speaking to the police but guess i just have to push through. How come your child wasn't allowed to go to the original school? Social services haven't said my son can't start his but his dad knows all the details of it so going to have to get safeguarding in place asap

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Markcrorrigan · 06/09/2022 07:20

You have done amazingly. You have taken the most important and significant step in securing a happy and safe future for your child. I know it won’t feel like it immediately but it will get better.

as Pp says, children (esp younger ones) do largely follow the emotional lead of their parents in new and unusual situations. As hard as it is, keep positive and upbeat around him and he will absorb that.

re school - I think the important bit is that no one is allowed to collect child apart from you (and named other people eg nanny). And That no information about you or where he’s living etc will be shared.

finally - wtf were the police thinking bailing him to the family home. That’s appalling.

Sending strength. You are amazing!

Bluemoon22 · 06/09/2022 08:48

@Markcrorrigan thank you. A part of me feels like i should have just moved out and not got any services involved cos would have been easier but then i don't want his toxic behaviour around my child. Yeah the social worker is not happy at all that he got bail to our home address leaving ua homeless, its a complete joke the system is a shambles and no wonder so many people don't report abuse

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GottaBeStrong · 06/09/2022 10:53

Our abuser is extremely high risk so if our child started at that school and he got bailed then he would possibly come and find our child and snatch them. He is on the birth certificate. He's applied for bail and been refused multiple times.

As we have to move anyway, it makes more sense to go elsewhere... near my temporary accommodation.

The police have their own safeguarding unit who spoke to me. Social Care will follow their advice as well as that of the DV charity/my IDVA who are involved. They have MARAC meetings too.

The main thing for me is reducing as much risk as possible. Certain things I can control such as where our child goes to school and him no longer knowing where that would be.

Bluemoon22 · 06/09/2022 21:01

@GottaBeStrong the police also deemed us high risk but no one has said anything about having to change my childs school so i presume its ok. I have informed school though of the situation. Yes my IDVA, said there would be a MARAC meeting as well to discuss safety and said they would let me know what was discussed. Tbh though i feel like i've been failed, the police never told me he was bailed and i haven't heard from them at all since last thursday so no idea whats even going on.

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GottaBeStrong · 06/09/2022 21:15

Do you have a non molestation order? Is your child also his child? If so, is he on the birth certificate?

If the child is his and he is named on the birth certificate then I was advised to tread very carefully. My social worker told me they have cases where the abuser snatched the child at pick up time from school. It is very long winded to get the child back - have to go to family court - because they have parental rights and the school cannot deny them taking the child. The best they can do is call you/delay tactics.

I was advised to pursue a Prohibited Steps Order but because of the charges against my abuser I've now been advised to look into going even further (revocation of parental rights).

Was he bailed by court? If so, there should be a witness service who keep in touch with you and let you know what's happening. I would call the police DV team and complain. It is very irresponsible to not let you know that.

I've found I have to be super proactive... to complain, constantly emailing all and sundry... don't let anything drop or pass you by. It's hard work but we need fo protect ourselves and our children.

Bluemoon22 · 06/09/2022 21:33

@GottaBeStrong no i don't have a non mol in place. His bail conditions state he cannot have contact with me or my son but his bail ends on the 27th so not sure what will happen then. Yes its his child and he is on the birth certificate, he did once threaten to take him in 2019 which i told the police and social services. I don't even have any contact details for anyone from the police station except the guy who took my statement. I've just messaged him my victim impact statement so i'm hoping he will reply. I feel like us as the victims just get treat like crap and its not fair

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