Am I being paranoid or is this not okay?

[Notoklw]

Me and my husband have been together for 15 years and 8 years married. He started a job two years ago and worked with a lady let's call her B. I never had a reason to doubt my husband's fidelity, in fact I would say our marriage was the one thing in my life I was sure about.

So him and B worked together for a year or so before he got promoted and moved to another building/area. It was just them two for a long time as very little staff are needed for his job role and I know they were on good terms. He talked about her a lot, "she's so nice", "she's helping me so much" etc even suggested we all go for a meal together. I'm fine with my husband having female friends and colleagues btw. What has thrown me into disarray recently is I saw a text message on his mobile home screen that said "I love you too! xxx" from B..
I questioned it straight away to which I got "we're just friends", "you're the one for me" etc. He said you can read all of our WhatsApp messages, he started showing me some of these messages and every message to each other ended with kisses "xxxx" I didn't even read the messages I just saw red. Again this threw me off. A couple of things have been strange in his behaviour such as being quite secretive with his phone (taking it everywhere with him), talking about wanting a change (travelling the world), and recently he has been saying that B has been annoying him whereas before he didn't have a bad word to say about her. There are some personal things he's going through at the moment and when I was talking to him about it he said "yeah B said that too" - these are personal family matters he's obviously confiding in her with, he told me he can spend up to an hour a day chatting with her when his store isn't busy, and our sex life has become virtually non existant (maybe three times a year) On those few occasions we've tried he has had erectile dysfunction - another new thing. He mentioned this is to do with going on anti depressants (he's been on them now about 6 months), I'm also on anti depressants and know it can affect things but I've managed to climax..it's all strange. After telling him I'm not OK with saying you love your female coworker he said "what can I do I can't not speak to her as I work with her " and I felt unreasonable so agreed.
I can't recall ever saying I love you to any coworker of mine - male or female.

Today he called her as he needed someone to cover a shift and she was the only one to pick up the phone. Although he sat with me in the room while she was on they chatted for 20 mins mostly about work stuff but still very pally/friendly. All my insecurities about it have come flooding back,I feel so disrespected and can barely look at him. I've been cheated on before and can't help but wonder if it's me that is insecure and worrying over nothing or is this behaviour not OK? How can I approach this with him without him getting defensive? He thinks everything is OK but I'm still hurting from it and it's making me crazy 😭 I love him very much and tell him every day, compliment him etc so it can't be an affection lacking thing from me. What would you do? Sorry for the long post I am desperate to understand from someone else's POV

Yeah, noone tells their work colleague they love them. In a private message. With kisses.

That, and being secretive with his phone, is a huge warning sign.

Have you asked him how he would feel if you had a male work colleague who you worked with regualrly and alone, and you told them you loved them in private phone messages?

Don't let him convince you that you're being paranoid. He is well out of order and he knows it.

"I love you" and that hugs and kisses crap is definitely crossing a line and he knows it.

The only message from him she can have replied to with “I love you too” is “I love you”. Nobody says “I love you” to a coworker if they’re not in a relationship with them.
Sorry @Notoklw , it doesn’t look good.

My husband had loads of female work colleagues he really enjoys spending time talking too. I would go nuts if he was texting "I love you xxx", to any of them. That's a line you don't cross.

It sounds like an emotional affair to me.

The questions you have to ask yourself are all based around what you do together vs what he might be able to get.
Do you still talk and laugh together, vs, is is conversation with her any more or less friendly/playful?

Are you happy in general, vs, does he seem happier with her?

Is he particularly sexual?... has he been asking and not getting it, or is it a mutual thing?...

People on here are very quick to say things look bad, dump them etc etc without asking the crucial question: do you provide what they want? The grass is only greener if it's greener.

Had there been any opportunity?... overnight "work" events, late office nights ending at 9pm for example.

Is he this chatty and flirty with anyone else? I'll admit, it doesn't look great, but maybe just a low-key talk with him about his happiness and feelings for you...but pay attention... does he rush to reassure you? Does he hesitate and avoid the question?

I asked him that and he said well no that's why I stopped with the kisses messages. Except I've recently found out that the chats are still happening, it's weird. I guess he likes the attention more than making our marriage work

That's what I said!

Sounds like a bit of a red flag. Him telling you that there's nothing he can do due to them working together doesn't really address the issue of why he's sending her so many messages with kisses on.

You need to have a proper talk with him and tell him how you feel. If he's a decent guy, he will understand why you're feeling like this and will take steps to not be so close to this woman.

This could all be perfectly innocent. I have male co-workers who I have jokey banter with, but our working relationships are very jokey and there is absolutely no romantic/sexual interest whatsoever.

We had a great marriage up to this point. Any insecurities, fears we had we discussed. We laugh and joke a lot, I've only ever heard them chatting on phone so never in person. I've always been the one with the larger libido and always initiated only until recently I've stopped as rejection can hurt! I said I understood his libido was less so asked him to initiate when he was ready..I'm a fool aren't I 😭

@Notoklw

You are not a fool
But if it was me I would tackle him about this definitely and ask him straight what's going on?

When you say other family stuff going on I'd be annoyed that he was confiding in her and ask him why he thinks that's appropriate aswell

Bless you I hope you get to the bottom of it x

Why's he on antidepressants?

The weird behaviour could be an affair but if he's on antidepressants, is there something else going on that could be behind changing behaviour?

You can end a relationship for any reason, even if it is something as small as your DH always wears green socks. If you're not happy with his behaviour, you can end the relationship. You don't need proof he's having an affair when you already know that you're not happy.

That's what I thought, I tried discussing it with him and he got very defensive, instead of reassuring me (if roles were reversed I'd be walking on hot coals to make it right). He walked out hours ago and we've been texting but not really getting anywhere. Funny thing is I don't / didn't believe he cheated on me - I was mad that he had talked to her again about personal stuff and he called her before me when he was really upset - who does that?! We set a boundary in our marriage about this woman and he crossed it again. His reaction now makes me think he's up to no good. They're not even in the same area / building any more so he called this woman before his wife?? Wtaf. He called her in front of me to prove he wasn't cheating and said "your on loud speaker and she's here right now my wife thinks I'm cheating on her with you " what's she going to say 😂🤦‍♀️ why tell her I'm even there? That proved nothing. I don't know what to think thanks for letting me vent 😭😭

There are three of you in this marriage