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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex with ex now back to square 1 :(

19 replies

Cloudland · 04/09/2022 15:44

Last weekend I ran into my ex of nearly 2 years. We broke up in January ‘22 - something I had been agonising over for months beforehand.

After a brill first year the relationship went south as he kept letting me down/acting like a CF. He was devastated when I pulled the plug and it took a long time for him to accept I’d had enough. i was sad bc he is a really lovely man but not right for me long-term IYSWIM but It was horrible making that decision.

We live in a small area and in the past 8 months we accidentally matched on tinder(!) and ended up going for a walk which did clear the air but ended in him showing annoyance with me/telling me how much I’d hurt him. He then suggested meeting at a really inconvenient time on a different occasion so we didn’t meet again - but exchanged birthday messages etc.

Last weekend we bumped into one another in a club. Obvs very drunk. He acted really possessive around some of my male friends, telling one that he loved me and would hurt anyone who got in the way. We ended up talking at kick-out time about how we still loved one another and then ended up back at mine. I suggested we meet the next day and he blew me off :(

My head is a mess from this. I’m struggling with MH issues at the moment and am pre-grieving for my dad who’s dying. Things have not been easy this year and I think this has tipped me over.

So i feel as though I’ve broken my own heart again by being vulnerable and now I’ve got to get over him again!

I’ve spent the past few months thinking of how much I’ve been comparing Him to some of my other dates who I haven’t felt the same magic with. He was sooo generous to me and I’m surrounded by our memories - from photos and gifts to all the places we’ve explored. Plus it’s a small area so the likelihood of seeing him is high. I know he hasn’t done anything wrong. it just feels awful to have been close to someone again and have then poof after saying to me - and others - that he loves/loved me.

I need to work out a way to handle :( I was hoping we could atleast meet up and work out wth is happening but I fear it’s a waste of time and I just need to move on.

Please be nice!

OP posts:

Cherchezlaspice · 04/09/2022 15:55

It is a waste of time and you need to move on. I’m really sorry you’re having such a hard time (the situation with your father must be awful), but the situation with your ex is something you’re doing to yourself. So, stop. You can’t ‘accidentally’ match with someone on Tinder, so stop doing that. Stop having drunken conversations about your love. Don’t go on walks with him. End it, cease communications and actually be DONE. Move on with your life.

BCBird · 04/09/2022 15:58

Hi. I would remove any reminders such as photos, gifts or trinkets as these will not be helping the healing process.
Regret is pointless. Just think of how you feel and make a decision about what you would do if you run into him again. If you are out and see him perhaps you coukd ask friends to support you so you don't end up doing something that you later wish you hadn't.

Stay strong. You need to put yourself first. You can do it. 🙂

Original poster

Cloudland · 04/09/2022 16:03

@Cherchezlaspice i agree it’s on me.

The tinder thing was a legit accident. I swiped the wrong direction having had no intention of connecting again. It was hard not to feel it was fate etc etc at the time but bleugh

OP posts:

Cherchezlaspice · 04/09/2022 16:07

Cloudland · 04/09/2022 16:03

@Cherchezlaspice i agree it’s on me.

The tinder thing was a legit accident. I swiped the wrong direction having had no intention of connecting again. It was hard not to feel it was fate etc etc at the time but bleugh

You could have unmatched at any point, though. You didn’t.

I’m not trying to be unkind, but the only person who can change this is you, my lovely. 💗

Original poster

Cloudland · 04/09/2022 16:18

@Cherchezlaspice you’re right. I suppose I simply wasn’t over him - even though I believed I was

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 16:36

he relationship went south as he kept letting me down/acting like a CF. He was devastated when I pulled the plug and it took a long time for him to accept I’d had enough. i was sad bc he is a really lovely man
Lovely men don't keep letting you down of act the CF.
They also don't go about being a jealous twat & threatening violence.

I need to work out a way to handle :( I was hoping we could atleast meet up and work out wth is happening but I fear it’s a waste of time and I just need to move on,
As PP advised, you handle it by going cold turkey.
Get rid of all comms, gifts, mementos from him. Block him everywhere.
And well done on your gut instinct here. Meeiting him will be a waste of your time & will set you back even further. He will use the meeting to guilt trip & manipulate you & you will end up further enmeshed.

Spend some time daydreaming about things that you want to do. Small, joyful things - events, treats, meeting up with people who make you happy, time on a hobby ... write them down & do them. You need to make your life your own again, & start to enjoy & appreciate it for its own sake - without this arse in it.

JulesCobb · 04/09/2022 16:38

God op, he is NOT a lovely man. At all.

Original poster

Cloudland · 04/09/2022 17:19

@KettrickenSmiled @JulesCobb I find it hard because he has been totally lovely. My friends have down as a ‘good guy’ with a big heart who gets things wrong. I suppose that’s how I’ve been seeing him too.

OP posts:

sammylady37 · 04/09/2022 17:45

He has not been ‘totally lovely’. He has been a possessive, insecure prat: He acted really possessive around some of my male friends, telling one that he loved me and would hurt anyone who got in the way

How dare he talk about you like that? As if he owns you. How dare he feel he has the right to interfere in your friendships and possible relationships? Why are you accepting this?

Original poster

Cloudland · 04/09/2022 18:34

@sammylady37 i put it down to him being way too drunk. I don’t know why I’m accepting of this

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2022 18:49

What sort of a relationship example did your parents show you?. Get counselling to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships and free yourself completely from this man. You need to throw away any and all reminders of him and rebuild your life.

You probably think you do not deserve better from a relationship also because your self worth is on the floor.

Original poster

Cloudland · 04/09/2022 19:41

@AttilaTheMeerkat my dad was/is man of the house and my mother his slave. In recent years there is zero affection or intimacy. My mother stays out of duty. He is 20 years older and whilst we were close, I always felt like I had to try hard to impress him.

i don’t know why my self worth is so low but I’ve had some massively bruising experiences lately.
I’ve never managed to find a counsellor who can quite get me past these things. But it is SO unlike me to go back to a previous partner. Guess I thought he was special in some way

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2022 19:56

Your first paragraph says it all. You’re going to have to unlearn all the crap your parents taught you about relationships through finding a therapist who can get you past this. BACP may be able to help you here, interview such people carefully and at length before choosing any particular one.

This man may well have subconsciously reminded you of dad on some level, you perhaps wanted to impress this individual as well. Do not approach him again because you will be hurt again if you do. Expect better for yourself from a relationship.

DragonflyNights · 04/09/2022 21:38

I’m very sorry to hear about your dad. It does seem to make some sense that of this ex is quite forceful and has been a romantic connection (even if not a healthy one) as you are grieving what is happening to your dad you are more vulnerable and maybe tempted to seep comfort in the familiar. This man does not sound like a good man though - what was this CF behaviour? Also don’t like the sound of how long it took him to accept you were over, the game playing now and telling people to keep away from you like you belong to him.

Does sound not dissimilar to a man who treats his wife like his slave? Enough parallels there. Never discount how powerful the familiar is - even if the familiar is shit.

Original poster

Cloudland · 04/09/2022 21:51

@DragonflyNights i always used to think of my father as a product of his time - he’s in his mid 80s - therefore the man of the house who expects dinner on the table etc. My mum has also catered to his every domestic whim and there was very little in the way of affection etc between them. Now she basically cares for him.

his CF behaviour involved using my car instead of his own, saying yes to so many social invitations so I felt like we never got quality together, losing things through carelessness that were important (cash, keys etc), taking me for granted I.e treating my place like it was his. At the same time he was incredibly generous, fun for the most part and appeared to genuinely adore me in the early days.

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 05/09/2022 10:38

The last sentence here reeks of Love Bombing & Future Faking.
Classic tactic of abusers - google it OP & learn the signs.
Everything else - yuck. He viewed you as property. The entitlement to your car, your home, the loss/breakage of your possessions - to PP who know about the dynamics of coercive control & disordered personalities, it's chilling.

Please take heed of Attila's advice to get back to therapy. With a little diligence, you WILL find a therapist & style of therapy that will help you disentangle the deeply held unconscious beliefs you have about romantic relationships & your own self-worth.

i put it down to him being way too drunk.
I've been drunk many times. It's never been my excuse for threatening violence, or warning other humans that one specific human being is my personal property.
He didn't act out because he was drunk.
He acted out because he's an abusive arsehole. Who had also had a drink.

sonjadog · 05/09/2022 10:46

He doesn't sound lovely at all. Just in this thread you give examples of him not respecting your personal property, trying to guilt-trip you, trying to be controlling, being possessive and threatening violence. These are all prime examples of someone who is not lovely. The whole idea that he is really a good guy who "gets things wrong" is complete bollocks. Who put this idea into your head? And what kinds of issues to they have with apologizing poor behaviour?? This man is an adult who is responsible for his own behaviour. He is not a child who hasn't learn social codes yet. How he is behaving is who he is.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/09/2022 11:05

Cracking post @sonjadog.
Especially this - which I wish girls were taught at an early age -

How he is behaving is who he is.

Original poster

Cloudland · 05/09/2022 21:16

Yep. Get it.

just a dizzying mixture of lovely and terrible at the same time. I’m thinking of the cup of tea analogy. If there’s a tiny bit of shit in a perfect cup of tea it’s still shit. I suppose that’s how it plays with a toxic relationship. I need to go cold Turkey and I feel better about that.

just wish I didn’t feel like he did me dirty :(

OP posts:

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