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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partner's a narcissist

18 replies

Shgytfgtf111 · 04/09/2022 15:18

I have been with my partner for 21 years. It's taken me a while but I am now realising he is a nasty narcissist thanks to Mumsnet. Some examples of his behaviour are silent treatment for days on end which only stop when I have apologised enough, me never being able to do anything right, spoiling Christmas last year by ignoring me all day and hiding out upstairs in our bedroom, accusing me of cheating (my mother did that which he knows so he should know I never would), breaking things of mine when he is in a temper, cutting me off from people so I dont actually have any friends, threatening me, deliberately paying bills of mine late when he is in one of his tempers. Apparently he can't trust me and doesn't believe anything I say and I haven't been able to prove it to him. I have said that you can't prove what you aren't doing but he doesn't believe that to be true.

I feel like a shell of my former self. In fact I dont even know what I used to be like. I don't have anyone to talk to IRL so I just want to get it all out.

After my birthday I want to leave, it's like death of a thousand cuts. Financially I can't leave yet and the house needs work doing before we can sell. I can't afford to not make as much as possible off the house as we have debt racked up over the years (job loss, his excessive spending etc) so I was wondering how to best handle him in the short term? He has never been physically violent directly but I worry he will if he realises he can't control me anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shgytfgtf111 · 04/09/2022 15:19

I'm sorry thats so long, it feels so good to get it out. I've been carrying it for so long. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

passionfruitpariah · 04/09/2022 15:23

I'm sorry you're going through this. You need to make contact with Womens Aid as soon as you can. They will support you as you prepare to leave and beyond x

Original poster

Shgytfgtf111 · 04/09/2022 15:24

Sorry let me clarify the birthday comment. It was my birthday last month. We popped up to his parents the day before to get my present and took our new puppy. During the conversation my partner was saying about how much the pup had eaten the day before, and I said his tummy looked like he had swallowed a bowling ball. It came up again later in conversation and my partner said about the bowling ball and his day said that I had already told him. To my partner that meant that I had told him in a separate, private conversation. This lead to him ignoring me for the rest of that day and all of my birthday.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shgytfgtf111 · 04/09/2022 15:25

Dad not day!

OP posts:

Original poster

Shgytfgtf111 · 04/09/2022 15:26

passionfruitpariah · 04/09/2022 15:23

I'm sorry you're going through this. You need to make contact with Womens Aid as soon as you can. They will support you as you prepare to leave and beyond x

Thank you. Do women's aid support people who aren't able to leave just yet? Do they only help people that need immediate support?

OP posts:

Nizzles · 05/09/2022 18:14

Sorry you are going through this, I have split from my narcissist husband recently and I know how hard it can be, the emotional abuse, making you think everything is your fault, the stonewalling and ignoring you unless it is something that interests them. I did call Women's Aid and they were a great help with advice etc. You don't need to be ready to leave to call them, they will give you guidelines as to what you can do, for example, you could get a protection order out against him if he becomes abusive. Coercive control is now an offence so just remember that.

Babdoc · 05/09/2022 18:18

Is he your husband, OP, or just partner? And are both your names on the mortgage, or just his? Because these things affect your entitlement in the event of divorce/separation. You need good legal advice.

LittleOwl153 · 05/09/2022 18:19

So youbare giving yourself 11 months to get yourself in a better place financially to leave?

One thing you can do is make your financial record as squeaky clean as possible. Do not allow him to pay YOUR bills late. Find a way of changing things around so that you pay the bills that are only in your name. Make him responsible for the joint ones as he will then screw his own credit rating if he messes with those. A clear rating will help your restart no end.

passionfruitpariah · 05/09/2022 19:02

OP they will support you now and throughout your journey, they are excellent, just pick up the phone x

Original poster

Shgytfgtf111 · 09/09/2022 07:24

Sorry for the delay in replying guys, I've had some Internet issues (I blamed sky but it turned out to be the puppy...).

We aren't married but jointly own the house, we bought it together so it'll be a straight 50/50 of any profit when we split. The trouble is he started replacing the kitchen a year ago so there's only part of the kitchen in (new carcasses at the bottom with no doors and the old cupboards at the top, no wall tiles) and no doors on upstairs (he kicked them off/put holes in them overn time when in a rage) and I really don't want to sell while its in this state and lose out on money as I need all I can get to start again.

I'm just so worn out and tired by it all. The constant questioning, the rages over nothing. All of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shgytfgtf111 · 09/09/2022 07:30

No I don't want to wait a year to leave, I meant what happened on my birthday in August just gone where he accused by basically of having an affair with his dad the day before and then ignoring me for all of my birthday was the straw that broke the camels back. I want out asap but we have debt and half a house!

OP posts:

VanillaParkersBowl · 09/09/2022 07:44

I agree that contacting Women's Aid as soon as possible is a good idea. They will support you no matter what stage you are at and can advise on legalities and practicalities.

Do not let your partner know any of your plans. Abusers ramp up their abuse when they realise they are losing/have lost control. Do not tell him you know he is abusing you.

All these things he's accusing you of? Narcissists' accusations are admissions.

Trust him with nothing.

Original poster

Shgytfgtf111 · 09/09/2022 08:46

Thank you, he freaked out last night, stormed upstairs telling me to die because apparently I hadn't asked him if he was OK properly or quickly enough.

Then I was outside with the dogs and he threw the door open shouting 'get this house on the market tomorrow or I'll break your fkn neck'. He wants to list it for about £40k less than its worth he reckons. I cant be arsed with him anymore. I just want out but I can see him actually becoming violent and to be honest the police round here are worse than useless.

OP posts:

VanillaParkersBowl · 09/09/2022 09:04

It certainly sounds like he's warning you that he feels entitled to become violent. The sooner you take steps to safety the better

Dery · 09/09/2022 09:35

I understand your desire to get the best value you can from the house but it sounds like he might destroy you in the interim. I think you’re probably better just getting out as soon as possible and finding other ways to fill the gap in your money. Do you have somewhere you could go if you were to leave now?

Isaidnoalready · 09/09/2022 09:44

When he is smashing the house up around you that is violence and you can call the police

Do you have witnesses to him threatening to kill you?

IrishladyNE · 09/09/2022 10:06

Shgytfgtf111 · 09/09/2022 08:46

Thank you, he freaked out last night, stormed upstairs telling me to die because apparently I hadn't asked him if he was OK properly or quickly enough.

I was with a suspected narcissist and it was only for a few years, it always amazes me how some people can stick it out for years. These people are horrendous to live with.

I hope you can get away from him soon and be on you guard because they turn extremely spiteful in a break up.

Somatronic · 09/09/2022 10:16

Don't wait for the house to be fixed up. God knows how long that will take. You have to cut your losses and leave as soon as possible. Narcissism, if that's what we're dealing with here, is very difficult to understand and manage so please make sure you get support and advice from people who understand it - Women's Aid or similar.

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