How do I make things better?

[Lslm857]

I posted a few days ago asking if my partner was doing enough around the house and with the baby or if I was being unfair to him. The responses were all saying that he is taking the piss and that I basically have a second child.

I tried to have a conversation about this last night saying that I’ve been feeling really down recently because I feel as though I am responsible for everything to do with the house and the baby. I asked him if he could please take start doing his share of things around the house and with the baby, without me having to ask him to.

His response was basically that he just can’t remember to do things (I.e. take bins out, put a washing in, change a nappy) unless I ask him to, so he said yeah he’ll do more, but if I ask him to. To me this still leaves the responsibility on me and still gives me the mental load, but he doesn’t understand what I mean by this.

He kept saying that I’m home all day so I have time to do housework whereas he’s out at 5 in the morning and not back till the evening, so when is he supposed to do anything, yet one night a week he plays football and he wants to go to the gym 2/3 times a week, so he makes time for this.

I kept trying to tell him that I don’t feel like a team, and his response was that his football team are a team and he tells people what to do in that scenario.

Is it silly for me to not want to have to tell him to do things? I just feel as though if I’m having to ask I may as well do it myself.

The whole conversation made me feel stupid. As if I’m home all day with the baby doing nothing, just sitting in front of the tv. He also made comments that things like cleaning the bathroom don’t need done as often as I think they do.

I asked him if he thinks being out at work is more important than what I do and he said yes. He also said that being out at 5 and working 60 hours a week is really tiring, but I’m up every hour or two with the baby and in mummy mode 24/7. He said he’s too tired other than work to do anything else basically, but I used to work the same hours and managed all the housework when I lived alone. He’s also not too tired for football.

He kept saying that when he comes home from work he just wants to relax and have time to himself. I asked when I can get this, and he said I just need pump enough milk and then go and say I’m away to do whatever, but the last time I tried this he was messaging me asking me to come home after two hours. Also the extra work of cleaning and sterilising the pump, and actually pumping and storing the milk all just feels like so much work for a bit of free time that I might just get asked to return from again.

Im exhausted, I feel physically and mentally drained, and I feel as though I have two people to take care of, and no time to take care of myself.

Sorry this was so long, I am just at a loss for what to do. He hates having conversations like this and nothing ever gets resolved. What can I do or say to make things better?

If I’m being silly by not just agreeing to tell him when things need done please be honest.

Nothing you say will make a man child suddenly grow up. It's a chronic condition, and sadly, what you see is what you get. He's playing dumb, and he knows exactly what you're saying to him, he just doesn't care.

Do not make the mistake of bringing another child into this relationship, because it's never going to last.

Tl;dr he’s a prick.

Slightly longer form - It’s ok to be a bit forgetful. I am. I write notes to myself on the phone or set an alarm. He can make time for the gym and football, and doesn’t forget him gym kit I assume? Or to take a shower? Or how to pass the fcking ball.

He’s a prick.

You can only make things better for yourself by deciding if you want this manchild in your life or whether you’d do better without him

His response was basically that he just can’t remember to do things (I.e. take bins out, put a washing in, change a nappy) unless I ask him to, so he said yeah he’ll do more, but if I ask him to.

Bet he never forgets football practice though, does he?

Has he not heard of alarms?

Absolutely weaponised incompetence designed to make you think 'fuck it, I may as well do it myself' and wear you down through exhaustion.

You've carried, given birth to and are doing almost all of the caring and that's what he wants from you - to make you compliant to his preference to do fuck all, rather than wanting to be a team.

Don't shag this man and if you do, double up on contraception because the last thing this situation needs is another baby.

I admit when I had my first baby, I was quite resentful of my DH going to work and still going to football, cricket and snooker as well as working full time, having a baby is hard work, not just physically but mentally. I look back now and I really didn’t like the first few months of babyhood. My baby was an awful sleeper would only sleep for 30 minutes most, 3 times a day. In that time I would prioritise what needed doing, shower, washing, cleaning etc. My DH favourite thing to say was, you only have to ask, so what I would do was after dinner, I would say I’m going for a long bath and put music on, just so I could unwind and have a little me time, or go shopping whilst DH looked after baby.

Yup as previous posters said - playing dumb/weaponised incompetence. Might be worth mentioning that people make a career out of childcare and get paid to not do even half of what you do every day (plus they can get away from it at the end of the day). Going on chores strike (bar the very very essentials) might be an option, you both live in the household - he’d be doing 100% his own chores if he lived on his own and that’s the way it’s headed if he doesn’t want to pick up 50%. You are not a nanny, cook and maid - you are his partner.

Ok. You can, maybe, change things by treating him like you would a child that you are trying to teach. Make a chore chart and reward him for ticking things off. I would NOT recommend this and it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Because he still wants his ‘me time’. In fairness you are both probably knackered which won’t help. But he is knackered and prioritising himself and his needs rather than working as a team so you both have needs met.

The fact is you can’t change this situation. Only he can. Unfortunately the choices are either split OR put up with it, hoping he changes.

You can't fix it or make it better. He doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour, so he's not going to change.

You can try making him a list of everything you want him to do. One point I will mention is does the house work need done as often as you think (this was a sticky point between DH and I and actually he was right, I did have unsustainable standards with us both working).

Alternatively, you can just end the relationship. Because he doesn't bring anything to the relationship and clearly spends no time with DC, you might as well do it alone and then the resentment doesn't eat away at you.

Typical emotionally/ mentally abusive behavior leaving the responsibility on you to remind him to do stuff! He knows full well…. He just doesn’t want the responsibility of having to remember to do it! Reminding him is just as hard work as doing the work yourself. My narcissistic ex used to tell me to remind him to do stuff. He would even use me as his alarm clock to wake him up if we had to be up early. And even when I did wake him up he would just lay there in bed while I rushed about getting everything ready and get the kids ready. All you’ll end up doing is keep having to nag at him to do things even when you’ve ‘reminded’ him (because he cannot be bothered to remind himself) which is hard work! The fact that he’s been leaving you to do all the work anyway shows exactly what this man is like! If you do remind him and he doesn’t do something right or conveniently forgets to do it, he will just blame you and tell you that you were the one giving out the instructions and reminders so it’s your fault he didn’t get the full details etc!

He will never change just dump him!

This.

He just can’t be arsed. He’s happy to watch you do all the drudge work and never get a break though isn’t he?

Sit down together and write down all the chores, including paying bills, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, folding, putting away.

Then put it in a calendar and allocate him what he needs to do every day. That way he won’t forget. And he doesn’t get to play out until he’s finished his chores.

Also childcare

He can set reminders on his phone to do his chores.

That said, my philosophy is that SAHM should do the vast majority of housework. Unless the child has special needs.

Agree with this. Don't conceive another human being to add to the mix.