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Original poster

How to deal with constant talk of toxic NC parent

10 replies

Hoothoothoot · 03/09/2022 22:09

Evening all
just after a bit of advice.
Background -
Mother has long standing alcohol issues. Perfectly lovely women when she’s not drunk, however drinks everyday so…
I could give a million examples of ways her drinking affected me growing up and as a younger adult. She totally embarrassed me at my wedding reception and had a fight (physical) with her equally as drunk friend who she invited as her plus one.
She was absent from my graduation and both my children’s births.

Not spoken for nearly 8yr. Went completely no contact after an incident where she lost her temper and became verbally abusive to my then 4yr old son in a completely over the top way because she was drinking.
She briefly met my youngest as a newborn and my eldest knew her till he was 4 but in a very “flits in and out way”. There was never a loving typical grandma relationship established.

My parents divorced when I was a child and Dad has remarried. Very close to Dad & Step mum. Also have a brother who has 3 children. The youngest two being similar ages & genders to my kids who are now 12 and 7. Cousins all really close and spend time together.

My brother didn’t speak to our Mother either for many years then about 3yr ago decided to answer a Facebook message she sent him.
They have re-established contact.

For the last year my Nephew and Niece every time they see my children will make comments like “my Grandma is your Grandma too” “my Grandma is your mums mum” “Grandma is staying at our house this weekend. She’s your grandma too”
Nephew will call my eldest on their mobiles and say I’m sat here chilling with our Grandma. “Grandma it’s ”. She will then say oh yes I know him.

My youngest never even knew the woman existed until this started.
My eldest remembers part of the fall out and particularly the smell of the alcohol is what he associated with her.

My brother is the loveliest, kind, non confrontational man you could meet. He tries not to say a bad word about anybody.

This evening we were all out having a carvery meal with our Dad & Step mum and niece again started with the Grandma comments. My youngest told her that she is not her Grandma and she doesn’t know her.
Niece then has a massive shouting match with my daughter, pushes her and shouts at her saying she’s a mean nasty girl.

Brother is all very kind gentle parenting type and just said “oooh I hope your being good and kind” to which niece laughed and shook her head. She’s 6 btw.

I got really annoyed and said that my children were fed up of hearing about her Grandma and that we choose to have nothing to do with her and that should be respected. I told my brother that this constant rubbing it in my kids faces has to stop and that we are not interested.

Well it pretty much ruined the meal. Nobody spoke much. Awkward atmosphere. Everyone made excuses to leave shortly after. I feel awful I caused that.

Sorry this has been so long but I guess my question is how is this best dealt with? Going forward how is the best way to try and stop this?
I do realise that it’s not the children and they are being used as puppets to try and get to us.

Thanks in advance for any advice!
Hoot

OP posts:
ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 03/09/2022 22:41

You didn’t cause it. None of that was you. Stating your boundaries and trying to protect your children from what sounds like slightly insane behaviour is just fine.
And I’m not sure your brother is the loveliest either. Avoiding confrontation can just be cowardice rather than niceness.
I’m sorry your mum is so tricky. What does your dad think?

Xpologog · 04/09/2022 00:43

It all sounds a bit manipulative to me. I’ve 3 dgc and can barely recall any of them mentioning the other grandparents, maybe a handful of times in almost 20 years. Mentioning a grandmother so many times and so frequently seems very OTT.
Can you meet up with your brother 1:1 and explain to him how this is upsetting you and your children?

Original poster
Hoothoothoot · 04/09/2022 09:02

Thank you both.

Dad tries to stay neutral and not comment either way. When I have previously spoken to him about it alone he has agreed it is not fair on my kids. He has said it’s more than likely her telling the kids things and asking them to be sure to mention her etc.
I tried earlier this year to avoid many meet ups with brother and kids. Dad noticed this straight away and it upset him.

I am going to have to speak to my brother. I think after last night he’s fully aware of how this is upsetting me and my children.

OP posts:
Spudina · 04/09/2022 09:09

This isn’t your fault, though I do think if you had addressed it earlier, it might not have come out that way. You just need to sit your brother down and tell him you need to sort his kid out. She is old enough to understand that it’s a subject that you don’t want raising. And that maybe he shouldn’t let your mother keep manipulating the kids.
You shouldn’t have to reduce contact with our brother over this is he respects the boundaries.

ExtraOnion · 04/09/2022 09:19

Your niece is right, she is also your Childrens grandmother - whether or not she is in their lives - that’s just a fact. Your niece is 6, and unlikely to understand the nuances of adult behaviour - I doubt she is deliberately “rubbing it in your face” .. she is, after all, a child.

You choosing not to have a relationship with your mother, is your choice, your brother and his children, can have any relationship he chooses. I sense that you are angry with him for resuming contact - maybe you feel he has picked sides, or not been supportive enough of you.

The effect this has on your children is down to how you react to it - this issue is not going away. You can’t pretend she doesn’t exist, or police the behaviour of your brother and his children forever. I think a simple “you are right, she is, but she doesn’t come to our house” , might have hit the mark slightly better than getting angry at a 6 year old child and ruining a meal.

You have a lot of unresolved anger towards your mother, maybe working through those might help.

LizzieSiddal · 04/09/2022 09:26

Your brother didn’t speak to his mother for years and you respected that, he now speaks to her and you haven’t made a judgement on this, even knowing that he’s allowing his Dc to interact with someone who has behaved in a terrible way towards her own children. He should now respect your decisions and ensure his Dc are aware it is unkind and rude to keep talking about something other people do not wish to discuss.

Original poster
Hoothoothoot · 04/09/2022 12:23

ExtraOnion · 04/09/2022 09:19

Your niece is right, she is also your Childrens grandmother - whether or not she is in their lives - that’s just a fact. Your niece is 6, and unlikely to understand the nuances of adult behaviour - I doubt she is deliberately “rubbing it in your face” .. she is, after all, a child.

You choosing not to have a relationship with your mother, is your choice, your brother and his children, can have any relationship he chooses. I sense that you are angry with him for resuming contact - maybe you feel he has picked sides, or not been supportive enough of you.

The effect this has on your children is down to how you react to it - this issue is not going away. You can’t pretend she doesn’t exist, or police the behaviour of your brother and his children forever. I think a simple “you are right, she is, but she doesn’t come to our house” , might have hit the mark slightly better than getting angry at a 6 year old child and ruining a meal.

You have a lot of unresolved anger towards your mother, maybe working through those might help.

Thank you.
Yes I absolutely understand niece is a child and as said in my original post, I realise it is not her fault and she is more likely being used as a puppet.

To add, there are many other family members (for example her grandparents on her maternal side) who niece has loving, close relationships with and yet doesn’t mention these people constantly.
Which is why I believe she’s almost being prompted to talk about this one person constantly.

Yes it is my choice and has nothing to do with my brother and his children who I don’t speak to. Could also flip that round though! None of their business who I don’t speak to. He went NC with her about 2yr before I did and never once did I disrespect that choice.
Genuinely do not feel any anger towards my brother for any decisions he makes other than not stepping in and asking his children to not keep repeating the same things about this subject.

I think your correct regarding my reaction to it all.

Regarding anger and issues towards her - I am early 40s now so there is 30 odd years of abuse and alcoholism related behaviour that I would have to work through.
Its a huge closet that maybe one day yes I will work through, maybe not.
I do not drink at all - my children have never seen me drink. They have never woke up for school to find random strange men sitting in the lounge that have come home from the pub with their mum.
They have never been called a little bitch, little twat or been told they wished they had never been born.

My primary concern right now is protecting my children and ensuring another generation is not affected by this woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoothoothoot · 04/09/2022 12:24

Spudina · 04/09/2022 09:09

This isn’t your fault, though I do think if you had addressed it earlier, it might not have come out that way. You just need to sit your brother down and tell him you need to sort his kid out. She is old enough to understand that it’s a subject that you don’t want raising. And that maybe he shouldn’t let your mother keep manipulating the kids.
You shouldn’t have to reduce contact with our brother over this is he respects the boundaries.

Thank you.
I have definitely let the situation go on for too long without saying something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoothoothoot · 04/09/2022 12:25

LizzieSiddal · 04/09/2022 09:26

Your brother didn’t speak to his mother for years and you respected that, he now speaks to her and you haven’t made a judgement on this, even knowing that he’s allowing his Dc to interact with someone who has behaved in a terrible way towards her own children. He should now respect your decisions and ensure his Dc are aware it is unkind and rude to keep talking about something other people do not wish to discuss.

Thank you

OP posts:
Annonnimoouse42 · 04/09/2022 12:42

You really need to speak to your brother and stop this completely. I've recently had to send a very pointed but polite message to my brother, to stop him reminding me that Mums birthday is coming up, or Mothers Day. I choose to have no contact with her because she is an emotionally and physically abusive person. I gave him examples from childhood and adulthood and acknowledged that his childhood had been different (he was golden child), but he been abused in different ways.
He was actually very open when he replied - I was expecting silence or misunderstanding but i got agreement.

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