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Relationships

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Original poster

Sleeping at ex

21 replies

Karolinka · 03/09/2022 22:05

Am I overreacting when my husband decides to sleep at his ex’s house when she is there to avoid driving early in the morning to look after his son? He’s a musician and playing half way through a night before, so let’s say would have to drive an extra 60 miles altogether. It makes me very upset, especially that I wouldn’t even think of doing anything like that, even if he sleeps there only, it is upsetting and I feel like he doesn’t consider how I feel. I know he’s tired but it happens more often. According to him I’m overreacting and can’t understand him, trying to twist things around. We have been together for 4 years, I have never met his son or his ex, cause she’s not ready yet. She was upset and crying when she found out we have a child together and also made a scene he didn’t tell her we got married, so I think she still had feelings for him. He spends all day there once a week, with her being present. I personally believe he should be taking his son to our house while he looks after him, but his ex does not allow that.

OP posts:

Username3008 · 03/09/2022 23:02

It definitely sounds like she still has feelings for him. However, it's also odd that he hasn't mentioned to her that he has another child. How did she find out in the end?

Do you trust him? That's the biggest thing here. If you have doubts, this is going to be a huge problem, especially as he seems to see no issue with what he's doing. He's either hiding something, or he genuinely has zero interest in her and just wants to be with his son.

Regardless, I would find this whole situation really disrespectful.

Original poster

Karolinka · 04/09/2022 00:06

He told her about our child, but she was already one at the time. I do trust him, but get really tired of this situation. According to him he’s just trying not to rock the boat, cause she’s not letting him see his son for weeks when she’s throwing a strop. I just feel like I’m always coming second.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 04/09/2022 01:56

Karolinka, you are not overreacting or twisting things. This set-up is unsustainable and unfair to both you and the children.

Why hasn’t your H gone to court for an official contact order? His son deserves to know his sister (and vice versa) and to establish a stable routine at both of his parents’ homes.

H’s hanging out playing happy family at his manipulative, pining Ex’s is very disrespectful to you. After 4 years, it’s time for you to meet his son.

TobyEsterhase · 04/09/2022 06:23

Sorry. This does not sound like a healthy situation at all. Lying/hiding the truth on this scale never ends well.

Sounds like neither your partner nor his ex have been able to move on psychologically from their relationship.

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/09/2022 06:31

, I have never met his son

4 years?

op, surely your friends and family have told you how off this entire situation is? Surely you just…. Know without anyone telling you?!

wellhelloitsme · 04/09/2022 06:57

Why hasn’t your H gone to court for an official contact order? His son deserves to know his sister (and vice versa) and to establish a stable routine at both of his parents’ homes.

This.

And at the moment he's dipping into his son's life for a fun day every week but not doing any of the day to day stuff or establishing a relationship with his son that isn't by proxy of his mum and doesn't require her presence.

I wouldn't think much of a man who was happy for that to be his level of presence in his own son's life tbh. Not exactly grafting as a parent when it comes to his son, is he?

bloodyunicorns · 04/09/2022 07:04

Wtf??? You are not overreacting; you are underreacting.

Wfh is your h playing at?

He should have been upfront with his ex from the start. He could have gone to court to get access if she was awkward. Instead he's still there playing happy families with her and his kid, who doesn't know about you or their half sibling? Bonkers.

Get tough here and start laying down the law. He's riding roughshod all over you.

Hill1991 · 04/09/2022 07:05

You have a child together and you've never met his ds? That would throw massive red flags 🚩 for me.

Also he can tell you your overreacting but not her when she throws a strop with him moving on. Are you sure that he's told her about your child?

mindutopia · 04/09/2022 07:13

Whatever weird dynamic might be going on between them, I don’t think the sleeping over thing is necessarily inappropriate. My parents lived about 1.5 hours apart after they split. I remember plenty of times when mum and I slept over at my dad’s. We’d even go on holiday together sometimes. And often his new partner would be there too.

It was nothing to do with either of them wanting to be back together or anything inappropriate. It was purely that my dad was pretty incompetent and rightly so, my mum knew it was better for me if she was around when I visited him. She just wanted to keep things as normal and amicable as possible. And a 3 hour round trip drive was a lot to do back to back in a weekend.

This situation sounds complicated though and ‘not wanting to rock the boat’ isn’t a good enough reason to not be open and honest and sort out contact.

Original poster

Karolinka · 04/09/2022 08:15

I know it’s all off, I tried to communicate with him so many times. There’s also loads of other little things that are really not right, all because she always had to have her way otherwise there’s card being played “you’ll never see your son again”. According to him fathers don’t have any rights until they go to court which costs a fortune. This is the response I get.

OP posts:

alwaystired138 · 04/09/2022 08:25

This is utterly bonkers. How have you been with someone for 4 years, married them, had their child but yet still haven't met his other child?
Have you suggested meeting him?
I would honestly start to question whether he's actually still with this woman and she actually doesn't know about you at all. But then im a massive over thinker. Have you met the rest of his family/friends?

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/09/2022 08:26

Your self esteem must be in the gutter to possibly think this is a remotely positive relationship

Original poster

Karolinka · 04/09/2022 08:36

I met all his friends and family and she 100% knows about me and our child. But I don’t think their dynamics is normal. I suggested meeting the child and he kept suggesting that to her too, but she says she’s not ready. I said a big no to him looking after his son over summer at her house when he’s off school. I said I’m more than happy for him to come here, he agreed with me and said same thing to her. She now prefers to pay for childcare.

OP posts:

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/09/2022 08:42

It is the fact you have not met his child after 4 years that says it all to me.

i have two children. And I would never ever introduce them to anyone that I just thought of as a nice distraction on the side with no real future together

wellhelloitsme · 04/09/2022 09:22

I said I’m more than happy for him to come here, he agreed with me and said same thing to her. She now prefers to pay for childcare.

He's managed to budget for a house, wedding and another child with you.

I'd have thought a court order before all that would have been what a decent dad would do with his money / save for / use savings for tbh.

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/09/2022 15:29

But I don’t think their dynamics is normal

there is absolutely nothing “normal” about this entire scenario. It is very much “abnormal”

bfc1980 · 18/12/2022 09:23

Karolinka · 04/09/2022 08:15

OK I think it's time for a male perspective. The one at fault in this situation is the ex wife. She's manipulative and controlling and using access to his child as a way to control him. He knows that mums get the majority of rights and have the power. He's terrified he'll never see his child again. My ex has done/tried to do the same thing to me on many occasions; threatening to take the kids back to her home country (looking at your username, the same country that you're from) if I don't pay her x amount each month. The difference though is that now I'm immune to it and call her bluff.
He needs to stand up to her and demand his parental rights. He can't let her get away with it. And yes, after 4 years, you should definitely be a huge part of his child's life now. If I was him, I'd also be recording and screenshotting messages of the times when she is blocking access and threatening him with stopping access. This evidence is important if he decides to take her to court for access. Otherwise, it's his word against hers.
As for him sleeping over. Most likely he's not in a relationship with her as other people are suggesting. He is finding anyway he can to see his child. Once he gets regular access you will see this stop immediately.

underthemike · 18/12/2022 12:24

Yeah, thanks for the male perspective, thank fuck a wise old man has come along to help us all out....

underthemike · 18/12/2022 12:25

The relationship is very odd.
Your husband never is alone with his child? His child has never met his wife or his half-sibling? Never been to your house.

Yeah that's weird, the hun sleeping over there is the least strange thing about your situation.

Jewel7 · 18/12/2022 12:33

She sounds controlling and he is trying to keep the peace? If he is telling the truth. I would be insisting on speaking to her. Your children deserve a relationship together. Is she wary of losing her child? He definitely should not have stayed there. Even if it was easier. Next time he goes there, be in the car waiting for him. Start making little steps to be known.

bfc1980 · 18/12/2022 17:46

underthemike · 18/12/2022 12:24

Yeah, thanks for the male perspective, thank fuck a wise old man has come along to help us all out....

Errm. You're welcome. Not wise and not old though. Just offering a different view on things and that possibly the guy in this situation is a victim too and not 'hiding something' or 'riding roughshod over her'.

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