Husband with anger issue

TiredOne12345 · 2022-09-03T19:29:53+00:00

Don't really know where to start. He shouts and just loses his temper so easily. I feel exhausted by it. Nothing physical, just shouting. It's a regular occurance. I just can't bear to be around him now. Today felt like the 'icing' on the cake. It was my son's birthday party. He raised his voice and reprimanded some of the other kids more than once. He usually keeps it for us behind closed doors but when this happened today and he told a child off loudly in front of all the other kids, I had to step in and tell him to calm down.. it was surreal. I can't bring myself to talk to him or look at him now. A reality check, I guess... I can't address it with him as he'll accuse me of criticising him and start shouting at me that I'm always on his case... I don't know why I'm posting. It's like I'm in two worlds. One where I realise I'll never be able to leave him.

Wibbly1008 · 03/09/2022 20:34

Verbal abuse is still abuse. End it, you don’t deserve this and neither do your kids.

Clariana · 03/09/2022 20:36

Oh OP, my Dad was like this. He destroyed my mother's life because she was always walking on egg shells and had to constantly worry about what would set him off next. To be honest it was awful for us children as well.

Either talk to him and get him to change or leave him.

Pondmud · 03/09/2022 20:38

No advice. In same situation. It’s had same effect on me.

I’ve told mine he needs anger management but I know he won’t do this.

Trying to get myself in a situation to leave. All my efforts are now devoted to this. Prob a long term project to leave but I have to keep focused on this.

What are the reasons you say you can’t leave?

KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 20:41

A reality check, I guess...

The reality is he doesn't have "anger issues".
He is just an abusive twat who takes it out on his family & children.
I bet he didn't lose his rag at any of the dads. Or his boss. Or a taxi driver. Or the bin men.

Just people he feels entitled to bully.

What help to you need to disentangle from him?

KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 20:42

I’ve told mine he needs anger management but I know he won’t do this.

@Pondmud ditto - your H doesn't have anger issues.
Anger management doesn't cure men of being abusive.

I hope you are able to get out soon. You too OP

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2022 20:44

He indeed does not have anger management issues and anger management courses are no answer to domestic abuse which is what you are describing here.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. why are you feeling you are not able to leave him?

SkirridHill · 03/09/2022 20:49

I bet he's not like that with his mates. Or when he's in work. Just with women and kids. Fucking bastard. I'm sorry, OP. And if he had been like that with my kid at a party I'd be telling him straight.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/09/2022 21:50

SkirridHill · 03/09/2022 20:49

I bet he's not like that with his mates. Or when he's in work. Just with women and kids. Fucking bastard. I'm sorry, OP. And if he had been like that with my kid at a party I'd be telling him straight.

Exactly. And of course you can leave him. And you should. It won’t be easy, but you can do it, and for the sake of your kids and yourself, I hope you do.

Original poster

TiredOne12345 · 03/09/2022 23:22

You're right. No, he wouldn't dare do this with others

OP posts:

Original poster

TiredOne12345 · 03/09/2022 23:27

I feel unable to leave because I have 3 children. Two dependents now as one is older. I don't have a well paid job and we have a mortgage. I wouldn't be entitled to help with housing. Also, I have a history of anxiety and depression (prominent anxiety) and I think the pressure of having to cope alone might push me further. I have had it to the extreme previously (think psychiatric unit after 3rd child)

OP posts:

Pondmud · 04/09/2022 07:21

Don’t underestimate what the pressure of staying will do to you.
How old are your other kids? How long till they are independent?
Can you get an estimate of what you would be entitled to in a divorce? Can you thoroughly research all the options if you split?
i think I understand your dilemma. You feel trapped between two shit options.

Hyacinth2 · 04/09/2022 07:24

My DH's anger or my waiting for the next angry comment was what caused my anxiety.

youagainomg · 04/09/2022 07:25

My dad is still like this and I use to be on tenterhooks a lot but as I got older I just ignore it or tell him how it is. My mother has always spoke her mind to him and weirdly he backed down or calmed down most of the time. You need to talk to him OP.

Suzi888 · 04/09/2022 07:26

TiredOne12345 · 03/09/2022 23:27

I feel unable to leave because I have 3 children. Two dependents now as one is older. I don't have a well paid job and we have a mortgage. I wouldn't be entitled to help with housing. Also, I have a history of anxiety and depression (prominent anxiety) and I think the pressure of having to cope alone might push me further. I have had it to the extreme previously (think psychiatric unit after 3rd child)

Could you at least speak to womens aid? If only for support💐

Pondmud · 04/09/2022 07:38

I’m sorry, but you are a stranger on the internet and don’t know him. H has always had poor emotional regulation. It was just that before our lives were easy and comfortable and there was little to spark this off, so it was very occasional, and the anger was directed at an event or thing. Our lives are now stressful and difficult and there is much to trigger his disregulation. At the core, he is a man who relies on circumstance to control his emotions, rather than having learnt to be able to do this himself.
It doesn’t matter though. He never accepts responsibility for himself, so he’ll never go to anger management as he’ll never accept he has a problem. It’s always the fault of whatever sparked the outburst.

Pondmud · 04/09/2022 07:39

That was aimed at @KettrickenSmiled Sorry, forgot to quote.

noclothesinbed · 04/09/2022 08:05

TiredOne12345 · 03/09/2022 23:27

I feel unable to leave because I have 3 children. Two dependents now as one is older. I don't have a well paid job and we have a mortgage. I wouldn't be entitled to help with housing. Also, I have a history of anxiety and depression (prominent anxiety) and I think the pressure of having to cope alone might push me further. I have had it to the extreme previously (think psychiatric unit after 3rd child)

If you left him you would be entitled to housing though. Everybody has choices

eighteenmonthstogo · 04/09/2022 09:21

You are married OP.. the fact you don't earn is fairly irrelevant. It is what is in the marital pot that gets divided.

Get all your facts together in the shape of finances. His salary details, any pension, savings , mortgage details etc and get yourself to a decent family lawyer. Ask friends who have been through divorce for recommendations. Some will even give you a free initial consultation.

Anxiety is always worse if you don't know where you stand. Knowledge is a great cure for anxiety. Along with not living with someone who is abusive.

Do this . It doesn't commit you to leave. However it will give you options. Anxiety is always worse when you feel completely trapped.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2022 09:31

"I feel unable to leave because I have 3 children. Two dependents now as one is older. I don't have a well paid job and we have a mortgage"

It is for these children too that plans for you all to leave should commence. Your H is abusive and in turn he is also abusing his children because he is abusing you as their mother. Such men too hate women, ALL of them. In their eyes its always someone else's fault, never their own; these types of abusive man often have a similar mindset. There are also red flags present re him throughout your relationship (your comment, "it was just that before our lives were easy and comfortable and there was little to spark this off, so it was very occasional, and the anger was directed at an event or thing") but sadly these were minimised or not recognised as abusive. I would also think that your H's abuse has played a huge part in you feeling both anxious and depressed.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. The same question could be asked of your H. Pound to a penny he saw abuse within the home.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They could well go onto repeat this themselves in their own relationships if you remain in it; you're currently showing them this treatment of you (and in turn them) is acceptable to you. Start opening up to other people in your real life circle like your GP as abuse also thrives on secrecy.

No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable, the mortgage too is no reason to remain in this and for you furthermore to become a shell of a person.

Would you consider contacting Womens Aid here along with seeking legal advice?. After all knowledge is power here and you are not as powerless as you think.

SkirridHill · 04/09/2022 10:39

TiredOne12345 · 03/09/2022 23:27

I feel unable to leave because I have 3 children. Two dependents now as one is older. I don't have a well paid job and we have a mortgage. I wouldn't be entitled to help with housing. Also, I have a history of anxiety and depression (prominent anxiety) and I think the pressure of having to cope alone might push me further. I have had it to the extreme previously (think psychiatric unit after 3rd child)

I suspect you'll manage fine when you're not living on your nerves with a bully. OP, I don't have three children but I had one with someone who couldn't control their anger.

I had to leave him in the end because I didn't want my daughter growing up thinking his behaviour was acceptable. And the house I live in now is so calm, and I manage it (and DD, and a full time job, and everything that comes with both those things) more easily without exDP being there.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 11:03

Pondmud · 04/09/2022 07:38

I’m sorry, but you are a stranger on the internet and don’t know him. H has always had poor emotional regulation. It was just that before our lives were easy and comfortable and there was little to spark this off, so it was very occasional, and the anger was directed at an event or thing. Our lives are now stressful and difficult and there is much to trigger his disregulation. At the core, he is a man who relies on circumstance to control his emotions, rather than having learnt to be able to do this himself.
It doesn’t matter though. He never accepts responsibility for himself, so he’ll never go to anger management as he’ll never accept he has a problem. It’s always the fault of whatever sparked the outburst.

I'm sorry the attempt to empathise with your situation offended you @Pondmud

You're right, I don't know your H, but I know a lot (more than any human would wish to) about the DA & the dynamics of coercive control. And calling your H's abuse of his close family a problem with emotional regulation or anger management is part of the pattern of denial & obfuscation that goes along with it - it's all about excusing the behaviour & blaming the circumstance.
It's such a well recognised pattern that it's known as 'The Script'.

You have written great advice to OP here, & I hope you take it for yourself, too.
Your H, when he refuses to self-regulate (ie control his bloody temper & stop taking it out on you), is being abusive. Just look at how he blames anyone (usually you I'll bet) but himself - classic DARVO tactic. It's hard to see from the inside, but you're clearly able to recognise the pattern elsewhere, as you have ably done for OP.

I hope your situation either improves immensely, or you are eventually able to remove yourself & any DC from it. Have a peaceful sunday

Original poster

TiredOne12345 · 04/09/2022 20:04

Thank you for messages. It helps to know I'm not alone and to consider the options

OP posts:

gummychops · 04/09/2022 22:11

Best of luck OP. It's definitely not as simple to leave as some posters make out. I'm stuck in a similar situation. In my case, with z husband who will NEVER agree to leaving his children, it is indeed a matter of choosing between two shit options..

gummychops · 04/09/2022 22:12

"a husband"