Just had the weirdest interaction with my mum?

[chatterbug22]

She messaged me a screenshot of an ad for an event that is happening nearby us in a couple of weeks, with a caption ‘shall we do this?’

I immediately text back, ‘oh yeah that looks great, who’d be going?’

She asked what I meant by who. I explained simply that I wasn’t sure if she was just inviting me as a thing for us to do together as a 2, or whether the extension was to include my partner and my dad as a 4, or even a 6 (my sister and DH).

She text back my question was far from normal, and she no longer wants to do it. She is sick of tiptoeing around the elephant in the room and would rather I forget the invite.

By elephant in the room she is presumably referring to the fact I am trying to put boundaries in with my sister, who is extremely manipulative and unpleasant and does so without apology, in fact just gaslights whenever anybody calls her behaviour out. As I have said before DM makes excuses for her behaviour and either says she’s had a hard time mentally lately, she feels neglected by me etc. DM is exceptionally upset and cannot accept the fact that we don’t get on, even though she doesn’t get on with her own sister. She has told me before I will end up with no family if I don’t ‘repair’ the relationship with my sister. Lots of things that have sat with me and that I’m beginning to work through and get support for.

It just seems a bit of a stretch to me. In my head I was double checking if DM wanted to just spend some time, us two, and I wanted to clarify this as I had thought about maybe going for a nice dinner before if this were the case. I didn’t know if she also meant my dad and my partner. DSis and her DH never came into my mind this time.

I explained this time and time again in the hope it would clear any confusion but just got several messages back, things like, consider the invite cancelled, and ‘I won’t bother in future - your future’

Was I wrong for questioning who’d be going? Thanks if you’ve stuck with it.

No you are not wrong for questioning who was going. Your mother lays the blame on you for your sisters shortcomings as it can’t possibly her fault. Women like this are almost impossible to have a meaningful relationship with. Sounds like she is a narcissistic person. My mother was like this. Perhaps like my mum it’s easier to blame you because you aren’t “difficult “. I had to go NC with mine. I ran out of excuses for her making my life a misery.

I explained this time and time again in the hope it would clear any confusion but just got several messages back, things like, consider the invite cancelled, and ‘I won’t bother in future - your future’

Don't explain anything time and time again. Explain once if necessary. Then if she writes something back like "Well it's cancelled now". Just write ok. (I'd probably put the thumbs up of doom instead of ok but you might consider that a bit too rude!). And then respond to nothing else on the topic.

You need boundaries in place with your Mum too. Do not allow her to rant on about something like this. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the question you asked.

Yep she was going to invite your sis on the quiet and force you into a family day.

Drop the rope and leave dm to it

This 100%

You scuppered her plan and she’s annoyed.

As PP said you need boundaries with her as well.

She was going to ambush you with your sister - 100%

I would try and have a chat with your mum, it must be depressing to have two children fall out. I'm not blaming you or defending your mum or sister BTW but even if your sister is a dick it's still your mums daughter.

It was a completely normal question. You were not wrong. Your mum was being weird and manipulative.

I would also stay well away from your mother as she cannot be trusted nor can be relied upon.

What is the point of a comment like that? Do you think the OP is unaware that her sister is still her mum’s daughter?

You’ve done nothing wrong OP, other than ruin your mum’s genius plan (she thought) of a family get together. Well done for nipping it in the bud before it became an actual problem. Your mum made a silly mistake that’s all.

You were going to get there and find your sister there.

That's why she's pissed off.

Of course not, just offering my perspective. Her mum maybe at the end of her tether with 2 daughters not getting along and maybe just snapped. It's not right to have such an over the top response to a reasonable question but maybe the mum is sick of not being able to have her daughters get along. We all snap sometimes, the question is more whether her mum apologies after cooling down.

Not saying the op is wrong for keeping away from her sister and obviously it's not OK for the mum to push it but I can understand the mum being frustrated.

Are you me?

Solidarity

From someone with an obnoxious bitch of a sister and a DM who knows exactly what she is like, exactly how I feel, but makes my boundaries and self care the issue instead

She has told me before I will end up with no family if I don’t ‘repair’ the relationship with my sister. Lots of things that have sat with me and that I’m beginning to work through and get support for.
So she's basically saying 'put up and shut up or you'll be the one cast out of the family'?

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit sounds identical. Always free to DM me!

Thank you everyone, I’d hoped it wasn’t already a plan but looking at it retrospectively and with the context I think you’re all spot on. Don’t want to upset my mum but she is either not getting or flat out ignoring my boundaries with this.

I could have written this myself.
I don't think you're unreasonable. Maybe it's easier for your family to lash out at you on distancing yourself from your sister, than it is for them to manage your sisters behaviours. That's how it appears to be in my family.
Oh and I definitely think you'd have arrived to have seen your sister there too!

@chatterbug22

Seriously could have written your post.

Especially gaslighting

Can't log in on the website for some reason

Your question was fine OP. Your mum is just cross you ruined her cunning plan!

It's quite clear that your mum and sister are cut from the same cloth.

It's pretty clear why she doesn't get on with her own sister! She could cause a fight in an empty room, that one.