My friend accepts that her husband is a waste of space.
She works part-time and is currently on maternity leave, however they also run a business together. He does the practical side of things and she does most of the paperwork behind the scenes.
Since being on maternity leave, he seems to consider her to be 'off work' and gives her errands to run with a toddler and baby in tow. She seems to do what he says for fear of upsetting the status quo. Their marriage seems to be very much a formal arrangement these days with not much love left- she has no desire to leave him and seems content with their practical arrangement.
He's a terrible husband. He won't cook, clean, ignores the children, refuses to help with bedtimes, won't change nappies, won't dress his kids, doesn't help. She just accepts it although complains to me about him. She clearly finds him a bit pathetic. He is also a big gamer and spends much of his time gaming like a child. I am always wowed by her endless energy and surprised that she doesn't burn out. If she was ever ill, I don't know what would happen as she keeps absolutely everything going, albeit chaotically due to the enormous amount on her plate.
The thing is, his neglect for his responsibilities is affecting me whenever I see my friend! We had arranged a play date last week for both her kids and one of mine and he called her when we were leaving, asking her to run some work errands instead. She agreed and we instead spent our morning at suppliers, banks etc with 3 kids in tow! She kept apologising but wouldn't seem to tell him no. These errands went on long past lunch time and I was livid to discover that her husband had actually finished work by lunch time and had spent the afternoon gaming when he could have run these errands himself!!
There have been two occasions now where I've arranged to meet my friend for coffee/lunch and although I know she'll bring the baby, she's arranged to leave the toddler with him at home. Then she'll suddenly arrive with the toddler too and apologise a lot but I'll spend my much needed child-free morning chasing her toddler whilst she feeds the baby! Her reasoning both times- her husband wasn't feeling very well so she needed to bring the toddler too.
In addition to this, there have been occasions where she's asked me for emergency childcare because she's needed to take the baby somewhere and he's bailed on looking after the toddler. I wouldn't mind, but I am basically filling in for him- their Dad! Who needs to pull his weight!
I've told her this- she agrees, but doesn't challenge it and I think she's becoming far too used to relying on other women to fill in for her husband which just isn't on. Her home dynamic is all wrong and it impacts me literally every time I see her. I don't think she's frightened of him, I very much doubt that there is physical abuse going on but clearly he expects far too much of her which is mental abuse. His expectations of her are absolutely ridiculous. I have told her this. She accepts it, says she will never leave him due to the business and there being too much at stake. She probably takes too much on aswell, without considering that she'll need help but her husband never does help so it always falls to a friend. We once booked a spa day last year and I had to drive 5 miles in the opposite direction to collect her at the last minute as her husband suddenly refused to drop her off as he was 'doing enough looking after DC1 for the day' and she couldn't drive at the time due to a broken ankle.
I just wouldn't accept any of this from my own husband and I'm becoming increasingly exasperated that my friend's husband's laziness is affecting my life and time spent with my friend. It's not enjoyable time much of the time and it's because of him and what appears to be misogyny.
How to continue a friendship when her husband's neglect for his responsibilities regularly affects me?