Help - I’ve told my husband that I love him but not sure if I’m in love with him

[Twogorgeousgirls7]

A few weeks ago I finally got the courage to be honest with my husband and tell him how I am feeling.

That if our future is going to be as our relationship is now that I’m not sure that’s going to make me happy or will be enough.

We’ve been together for nearly 17 years, married for 12. Two gorgeous but challenging teenagers, a nice house, good jobs. On the surface all seems great. But I’ve tried to explain it’s that we’ve stopped being friends. We ended up not eating together, not going to bed at the same time, constantly sniping at each other, not being interested in what the other was talking about.

I had quite a major health scare last year and since then I’ve really not been interested in being intimate either, but I also don’t want to kiss or cuddle either. I’m a really emotional person normally and love to show my love. I feel like I love and care for him but without any of that. And that’s not fair on him.

He decided that he really wanted to pursue the idea of quitting his well paid job to do something that interested him but would reduce the household income by around 65% and ultimately said he’d do it whether I supported it or not. He hasn’t done it but the damage has still be caused. To be clear, I did say that I supported him doing this but perhaps in 4 years time when the children are at the next stage of their lives and it would t have as much impact on them. But also that if it was needed to be done from a well-being perspective to absolutely do it.

We’re really struggling to navigate this whole thing and I feel awful that it’s destroying him. He’s really emotional, has lost weight, lost appetite, can’t sleep and I feel awful that by allowing myself to be selfish and put myself first that it’s had this effect on him. We haven’t event worked through what’s happening yet. No decision on whether we carry on working through things, separate, split, none of that. What we have got to is a place of finally agreeing that we need some relationship counselling but he’s said this is breaking him. In months if not weeks.

It would be so easy to just say it will all be okay and just carry on as I have before. But I’ve been lonely for a few years, we’ve had issues for definitely a few months, if not years.

I feel that if I’m going to put us all through such turmoil I owe it to all of us to work everything through properly so that we never have to go through this again. But I’ve never felt so selfish in my whole life.

I feel so horrible.

It sounds like you have just been existing alongside each other recently, rather than in a proper relationship so it's really understandable how you are feeling.

I've been there. I left my ex-husband because the love was gone - from my side anyway. I cared about him like I would one of my friends but that was it. I'm sure lots of people stay in relationships like that but for me, it wasn't enough. I wasn't willing, in my late 30s, to spend the rest of my life in such a meh situation.

It was hard, he was emotional about it and gave me a really hard time, begging, crying etc and I felt worn down by it but stuck to my guns.

What you need to do is decide is whether you WANT to work on it. For me, I didn't - so even though he was asking me to go to counseling, etc I said no, because it's not going to be fixed if one of you really doesn't want to.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What is keeping you still with this man?. The children?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they seeing here?. Would you want this sort of a relationship for them, no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

If anyone's being selfish here its your H. He's doing a right number of you here in getting you to take all the blame and responsibility for what are his actions and choices. He wants to go ahead and do some vanity hobby job that suits him and regardless of what you think, let alone seeing his family income drop because he is really that bloody selfish and self absorbed. He is pissed off that for once and perhaps even the first time in your relationship, you are putting your own self first and he does not like it. He wants to remain the Big Man here at your overall expense.

If counselling is to be at all considered here I would go on my own and thrash out your thinking properly. I would also consider seeking legal advice re separation and divorce because knowledge is power.

You’re not being selfish! You’ve said exactly what I want to say but haven’t worked up the nerve and I feel selfish for not saying it…

That’s absolutely it. I feel like we’ve just been existing. He’s trying really hard now I’ve said how I feel, but there’s a big part of me that just can’t trust that in case it just slips back to how it always was. More importantly, I’m not sure if it’s too late and if I even really want that. There are some things that he has said that I’m really struggling to get over, and as much as I’ve broken his heart and feel so guilty for that, I have to think of my own happiness too.

I wouldn’t want to go straight into a divorce, that’s so final, but am wondering if a trial separation might be the way to go. Some actual space from each other to see if we even missed each other? It would be really hard on him and a huge impact on the kids, but if I could maybe find a flat big enough for me and the kids for a few months and they can split their time between us it might be good all round? I absolutely don’t want to teach the children to stay in a situation where they might not be happy just because it’s the right thing to do for everyone else, that would be a terrible lesson to teach.

I said to him it’s the hardest thing feeling lonely in a house full of people. It’s silly isn’t it as I don’t think he’s changed from how he’s ever been. I have. I’ve lost 3 stone in weight, I feel stronger, I’m pushing back more now than I ever have and as awful as I feel for hurting him, I’m feeling like I’m me. It doesn’t make sense I know.

But, it would be so easy to just suck it up for another few years until the girls are at the next stage of their lives….

Sorry you are going through this, it’s never pleasant.

You can’t mess your kids around with trial separations though. That is really really not on.

Have some counselling, alone or together or both, decide what you want and then do it.

Part of being an adult is accepting that sometimes life is uncomfortable and painful and people will be pissed off with you, there isn’t always an option where everyone will still think you are great. But as a parent you do owe you children as much stability as possible, and that means being clear and decisive about separation.

You’re right. I think the relationship counselling will be the best first step, hopefully that will help us both to figure out what’s best. The children are the most important thing here. Thank you to all of you!

Hi, I think we place too much importance on “romantic” love in marriage. I don’t think it’s possible to be “in love” all of the time.

I think you should look into counselling for you both (individually and as a couple)

please, don’t do a trail separation. If you’re going to split: do it quickly

It might do you good to have a temporary separation to clear your thoughts, OP?

You have been married a long time. Sometimes habits form that are difficult to break without radical action? x

So things are getting really tough. There’s a male friend I work with that he’s now fixated on “something’s going on”. He’s asked me to share my photos on family sharing, has said how important it is for the kids that find my iPhone is on, keeps mentioning he doesn’t know the password to my phone, and is checking my emails on the family laptop. I had a recent night away and I always take photos of my hotel room, but he’d saved one that had the dressing table with my glass of wine and make up on it and zoomed in on it, almost as if looking for something. We have a joint counselling session on Tuesday, maybe that will help?

It sounds like he may have anxiety/depression. Has he seen a GP with his symptoms ?
Can I ask if you’re peri menopause age ?

It sounds as if now you have clearly communicated to him there are issues, he's decided it must be because there is an Other Man.

When the real issue is him.

It's an understandable reaction, and of course realising the issue is his behaviour would be acutely painful. However him now sniffing about for passwords is just making you like him less.

I think the important thing will be if he is capable of listening during counselling.

Yes he has been suffering with both I think. He went to the doctor but only took the tablets for two days before stopping. Yes I am peri menopausal, a little early so was started on HRT straight away, probably about two months ago…

I really hope so, you’re right, I’m liking him less and I felt awful telling him that last night. He’s saying he’s proud of me for standing up for myself and he wishes I’d been doing that before!

So we’ve been to our first counselling session together. The next one is solo for both of us. I know it’s early days as was only the first one but I don’t feel any different yet.

He’s really trying but I feel as though I’ve shut down emotionally to him. For the first time ever he’s learnt how to use the washing machine and even did some laundry this week - this is unheard of. I’m really appreciative but still don’t want to hug him in case he gets the wrong idea. I’m so scared that if I let my barriers down we will just go back to pretending everything is ok and I’ll be in exactly the same position in a few months time.

I hate myself for coming across as so cold. He’s still sending me articles about the menopause and how it can make you “hate your husband” but I don’t hate him, I just feel numb. I’m three months into HRT so think all of that should have settled down now but there also seems to be an indication from his side that he may think I need antidepressants or similar.

I just wish he could understand that me feeling like this isn’t new. I have felt alone and unloved for at least 4 years. In fact we had a row last June (2021) where he said our sex life had been declining for the past two years and that he was worried I was old before my time, that I’m lazy and what would we have in common in a few years when the kids were older and moved out…. Fast forward a few years and look where we are.

He even took me out to dinner to a really expensive restaurant I’ve been wanting to go to for the past few years, so he really is trying. I just can’t let my barriers down.

I’ve tentatively said about maybe I need some time away, to figure out what’s going on, and to be honest, to see if I miss him. It’s really claustrophobic at the moment. He’s said that running away won’t solve anything and that this is a key time in our childrens lives where they need stability and is being together. My menopause specialist was brilliant and advised a few months ago that separate and happy is much better than together and miserable. She also said that children are incredibly resilient.

I’ve spent so long keeping everyone else happy that allowing myself to put myself first (not in everything of course) feels incredibly uncomfortable. But I feel as though if I’m going to put DH and the kids through this that I have to see it through to be certain it’s the right decision for everyone.

I hate this.