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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So sad about DH family

14 replies

BeALovingFamily · 02/09/2022 22:23

Dh family aren't very close. We get on with everyone but rarely see them despite living close by. The ones that live in the same town don't often see each other either.

We had arranged to see them on Sunday as it's been a few months, but again they've cancelled last minute. Some messages are cryptic, and sound like we've offended them maybe? But last time we spoke everything was fine. This happens every once in a while.

It's so sad as I actually really like them and I don't understand why it's always so difficult. Almost like there are plenty of unspoken issues in the family and people try to guess what others are thinking and then get offended by things that don't exist.

Meanwhile the DC are growing up without their family and I find it so sad. I have a close knit family but they are abroad so we can only see them a few times a year.

We're trying to organise a small gathering (direct family only) for DC2 1st birthday next month and most have flaked out or not even responded. For DC1 1st birthday, everyone showed up but since covid the relationships have dwindled out even further.

I Feel bad that DC2 will see pics when they grow up and wonder why no-one showed up for them, when they did for their sibling. We'll do something just the 4 of us and it will be lovely, but it just makes me want to cry.

Life is hard enough as it is, I don't understand why you'd make it harder when you could just stick together.

I dont know what I need from this post, but I just feel so sad about it so perhaps someone has words of wisdom. It makes me miss my family even more, and my mum who passed away. She'd love to show up for her GC and would adore them. Sigh.

OP posts:

ThisisMax · 02/09/2022 22:38

You do know lots of families are no or low contact for lots of good reasons?

Snugglemonkey · 02/09/2022 22:47

Is DH sad? You are projecting how you would feel about your close knit family in those circumstances onto your children. Your DH does not have a close knit family though. They are behaving normally for them. If things continue as they are, it will make perfect sense to your DD that they wouldn't be at her party, as that will be her experience and expectation. It won't feel the same for her as it would for you in that circumstance.

Fudgemaker · 02/09/2022 23:11

Will the children really recognise the difference between a non close knit family that they rarely see or a family who live abroad? They're rarely seeing either presumably. So it seems you're projecting your issues with DHs family onto the children. Both families are distant one way or the other. Both my parents were Irish so we had no relatives in England, it's just the way things are.

Catty28 · 02/09/2022 23:17

My advice to you is stuff them at the end of the day it is their loss on missing the Grandkids not yours. I was like you with my partners family as they never make an effort probably see them twice a year and they live 4 -5 hours away but it's us that has to make the effort to see them if not. Well I have put my foot down as I am sick of it, if they can stand not seeing their grandchildren then so be it.

Dilbertian · 02/09/2022 23:39

When my dc have asked why they have never met certain members of dh's family, my reply generally includes something along the lines of "You can invite people, but it's up to them whether they choose to come."

Original poster

BeALovingFamily · 02/09/2022 23:45

Some good points actually, it makes me feel better. You are right, they are just being normal for them so the DC will know no different. Perhaps I just need to stop trying so I don't get upset when it fails. But then i worry that if we don't keep up contact, they'll be offended, so we can't win.

I think I'm OK with not being close or not seeing them that often if that's how they do things, but I've mainly been upset by today's messages. They were almost rude and insulting out of nowhere. We've spent most of the evening recalling all our conversations to see where we've gone wrong.

DH does get upset that they are not really interested, but actually he was fine with it until we got together and he realised how different it was for my family.

At least the DC still have my side of the family. We do actually see them much more often than DH's despite them being abroad.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeALovingFamily · 02/09/2022 23:47

@ThisisMax definitely! But what bugs me is that I don't think there is a reason. So its just sad!

OP posts:

damnyourdogs · 02/09/2022 23:47

What sort of things were the messages saying?

Onceuponawhileago · 02/09/2022 23:51

BeALovingFamily · 02/09/2022 23:47

@ThisisMax definitely! But what bugs me is that I don't think there is a reason. So its just sad!

But of course there is a reason. You may not know it but trying to impose your values on the family you marry into rarely ends well.

Original poster

BeALovingFamily · 03/09/2022 00:06

The only way I am imposing my values is by occasionnally inviting them over, so hopefully not a crime. I otherwise stay out of it as much as I can. Hence I am whinging on here to strangers and not DH.

If there was a reason though, wouldn't they never get on? There have been plenty of times where we've spent enjoyable time together, eating, laughing, having fun. Or are people just faking it?

It's the inconsistency that makes me feel lost.

OP posts:

ThisisMax · 03/09/2022 00:28

BeALovingFamily · 03/09/2022 00:06

If there was a reason though, wouldn't they never get on? There have been plenty of times where we've spent enjoyable time together, eating, laughing, having fun. Or are people just faking it?

It's the inconsistency that makes me feel lost.

Maybe they find it difficult to be together and do it out of obligation? Maybe there is a limit on how much they want to see each other?

Dilbertian · 03/09/2022 07:52

Fudgemaker · 02/09/2022 23:11

Yes, they do. I'm an immigrant and I knew I was loved and cherished by my very distant family. Even if we only saw them once a year, or two years, we knew we were cherished and loved. And we loved them back.

The children of those physically distant relatives are my dc's cousins. We are welcome in each other's houses if we travel to each other's countries. We share photos on WhatsApp, we enjoy each other's company when we meet. We still have a strong sense of family, even though we are 1000s of miles apart.

My dc have no real knowledge or more than a vague curiosity about dh's family, because there is no interest from those members of his family who chose to have nothing to do with us. It's too painful for dh to talk about.

Mary46 · 03/09/2022 19:45

Op it is sad but not all families like the Waltons. Our cousins dont really meet either. It is hard not ideal. My sons reason is he works ft the cousins are years younger. Its not great though) I see other families being close.

Hbh17 · 03/09/2022 19:51

Yet again, families are under no obligation to keep in touch. This bizarre expectation people have that just because you are biologically related to someone means you have to stay in a relationship with them even if you don't particularly like them..... it baffles me.
Your children won't care. They will grow up with good friends, which is far more important.

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