Do you understand domestic abuse?

[NorthYorkQueen]

First time posting! I’m not really posting for advice (although all wise words very welcome) more to try to understand if people really get domestic abuse.

My best friend, supported by Women’s Aid, fled to a refuge 2 months ago. Her ex partner is a ‘great guy’ and people just don’t believe he could have been abusive, she has shared nothing about what happened but he continually uses social media to gain sympathy, get mutual friends to take his side and really it’s like gang warfare - many gang up on social media, posting comments on Facebook in response to his posts about how awful this has been for him to be accused.

Now outwardly he’s great, just charming, very articulate, so kind and helpful. In fact he’s so kind that in his posts he mentions that he really wants to ‘help’ my best friend and be there for her and he understands it happened because she is mentally ill. In fact implying or just openly stating that a partner/former partner is mentally ill is one of the most common tactics abusers use.

No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors and in reality he was horrendous, coercive control, aggressive - causing real fear and intimidation but never as far as physical assault but the fear he created was real (and he knew this), mocking, sneering and sucked out all the confidence she once had.

After a particularly bad threatening incident the Dr referred her to Women’s Aid and with their support she managed to leave. It’s the most brave thing to do and I admire the strength she found to break away.

The abuse just continues though - in anyway he can, so even though she is no longer with him, he can continue his abuse and control the ‘narrative’.

So really this is more a plea. Things are not always as they appear. Please stop and think. Don’t comment if someone makes posts about a partner. Don’t get involved. You don’t need to be. Seeing friends turn like this must delight him and it’s horrific for my friend. On top of everything else it’s so difficult for her to take.

Oh and one more thing - he again openly states and posts that she is in a refuge because she is a liar. She made it up. This is such an insult to all the great domestic abuse charities out there who provide support to women in this situation (or men) and the brilliant staff who help someone to be brave and leave.

It would be great if others could share their experiences of abuse and help to educate each other.

Sorry it’s such a long post, thanks for reading.

The majority of women who cite domestic abuse will be subject to a smear campaign, I lost friends and family, 5/6 years down the line those that defended my ex now see the truth and he is totally alone (which gives him even more time to think up stories, accusations and downright lies 🤷🏼‍♀️ Sadly for him everyone’s seen through him and he’s just a bit of a joke when he goes on a Facebook rant now 😂)

@coldandverytired Thats actually good to know. Sorry for what happened to you though. I hope with time that’s how things go for my friend. It’s hard though to understand why people can’t see it at the time.

Thank goodness your friend got away.

A good friend of mine was so entrenched in a toxic relationship that it took SS threatening removal of her DC before she saw the light. Even then, he tried everything he could to try and make her look like the bad guy. It was really grinding her down but I said to her that anyone who loved and supported her had always seen what a twat he was and he was just cementing that opinion.

I wouldn't judge your friend, I'd judge the people that believe his crap.

I’m so grateful there was no SM when I got out. Once I was gone I never saw or heard from him again. He might have lied to work colleagues and probably did to his family but I didn’t know so it didn’t affect me. I was too busy making a good life without him in it.
It must be hard for your friend, and other women, when everyone seems to be linked by SM. I hope she can move on and have a happy life.

Thankyou @Badger1970 and @Xpologog , I guess I just can’t believe other women are so quick to jump on the Facebook posts (and men) and comment. I hope they never experience it or someone they love goes through it. In life, my friend was immediately in a better place as she wasn’t in that awful toxic environment he created, it’s just so upsetting seeing the great progress she’s making unravel when this happens. I expected more from people.

I've seen that OP. I think people think they really 'know' their friends, even how they behaved behind closed doors, and it's much easier to believe that the unknown woman is a liar than you made a completely wrong judgement about your friend.

It's like with rape trials, no one who is accusing the victim of lying would stop to think why the fuck they would actually do that to themselves, even if the rapist got put away...the victim always has their sexual history and morals questioned, there is always doubt etc...very few people would do that to themselves without a very good reason

I speak from experience.. currently in a temporary basement flat miles away with my children. It's been citied I'm mad and left of my own accord. It took me years to pluck up the courage to get me and my children away from that toxic man. He's painted a very different story and is 'such a nice bloke' sadly I know different. Those people don't matter to me, they are not my people. Sending love and strength to your friend xx

@rockbottombird Well done for finding the strength to leave. Stay strong.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick that’s a good line to use when my friend or even I bump into any of these people ‘why would you do that to yourself if everything was great with the ‘top bloke’! Oh that’s reminded me of another abuse line he uses ‘she has lied to jump the queue for a council house’.

I really hope there’s people reading these posts and thinking oh….I might had got it wrong.

I'm amazed. I see so much of it- often minor, but potentially far worse when no one's looking.
I don't know if I am just highly attuned or what. I'm amazed anyone would believe anything a 'great guy' says. To be honest, the great guys I know don't say a lot. They are too busy being useful!

Just awful.. he’s obviously working hard on damage control, but people are going to think what they’re going to think (because of ignorance) and she’s best to go no-contact (build that block list) and keep those close who believe and support her. All my sympathy to your friend XX

Speaking from experience after having come out of a terrible toxic relationship with both emotional and physical abuse I am also hearing on the grapevine that the social media comments have started on his page (woe is me narrative, he should “forgive “ me etc etc) This is a man in his 50s. They are all truly pathetic and anyone that truly knows, loves and cares about us will see through the manipulation.

I hear you OP. I am possibly too far the othwr way now- my immediate assumption when a man is complaining about his partner is that he is lying or leaving out a LOT of detail.

In real life, sil has been in an abusive relationship foe years. And yet, for years, her family and friends have consistently marvelled at how BIL "puts up with her". Mind blowing.

Hiya, i finally plucked up the courage to report my abusive ex to the police 3 days ago after years of coercive control, gas lighting, sexual and physical assault. Me and my son are currently classed as homeless. Luckily we can stay with my mum over the weekend until we can get emergency housing sorted on monday. We fled with the clothes on our backs after SS said we had to leave the house ASAP. I'm scared, frightened and stressed about what the next few weeks hold but i'm so glad i finally got us away from that man. He's a textbook narcissist and thinks his behaviour is normal

Yes I do know first hand. Your friend will move past it, but he will have to live with himself forever: truly the bleakest punishment.

I do wish people understood it more. I have been through coercive control (basically a forced marriage) and years of emotional abuse and pretty much everyone I know persists with the idea that my ex is 'ok really'

I've seen so much of it in the course of my life, including very close friends and immediate family, I never doubt victims claims. It's 100 times more likely the abuse is real than that the victim is being dishonest or dramatic. It's not some rare thing that happens to a handful of unknown strangers. It 's happening now to many people we know from friends to neighbours to colleagues to relatives. It's a hidden epidemic but only hidden because too many of us choose not to look at what is often right in front of our eyes.

Your friend isn't alone. There is an army out there of other women (and also decent men) who will see through

Gah my bloody phone. See through this nonsense posturing and virtue social media posting.

The best thing your friend can do in this regard is never post on SM again and totally cut off anyone who supports the showboating abuser. They will never be on her side. She needs to carve herself a new life.

My ex wasn't even that abusive really, just bad tempered in a non physical way and controlling because he was totally inept socially. I still lost some mutual friends who took his side but that's ok because they weren't ever really with me, I came to realise later.

Good luck to your friend. There are people.out there to love and support her if she wants. They just aren't this sorry shower of flying monkeys she's been involved with to date.

Bluemoon good luck to you, my relative got a lot of help and support from the local Domestic Abuse Service.

People don’t know what goes on in a relationship. My DH is very popular, and I seem like the perfect wife for him. That’s what he likes to project. However, it’s very difficult at home with him, at times. Nobody would suspect. Only my mum knows.
Her opinion of women who are in abusive relationship is “well they can leave any time” “why did she stay with him?” For example she has no sympathy for R Giggs ex, at all. Thing is my dad is quite the dickhead to her, and they’ve been married for 50 years...

Well, women who have 'chosen' to stay are often the least sympathetic... To themselves, and to other women who have made the same decisions as they have :( it's like Stockholm syndrome. You come to accept your captors and think others should accept the same fate

Thankyou everyone. As someone said he is definitely doing damage control and I did wonder if people do see through it but just love him posting and they are getting the ‘gossip’ so to speak. When you read the posts it’s so obvious he bigs himself up all the time as he shoots her down.
Can he sleep at night - oh yes because he’s the ‘big man’ and he is the victim here. He’s also such a ‘nice man’, this can’t possibly be his fault. All the way through he is the victim even though his ex is living in a refuge.