Struggling with loneliness

[TheNorth]

Hi,
I ended a 23 year marriage (sexless for over 10 with no affection etc.) due to going off of the rails during a sudden descent into menopause. Let's just say I got involved with someone else who is still in my life (strictly platonic and at a distance now however we did meet up numerous times and my mind was blown iykwim). I did a lot of soul searching for a long time and realised that I was unhappy in my marriage and with good reason. So, I made the tough decision to end it. I really thought that I deserved happiness - and, well, I do - but I am struggling with loneliness and not getting anywhere in finding anyone else.

The man I got involved with is married. Both of us in sexless relationships. We have become great friends over the years (even though, mostly, by communication on the phone/Skype) and, yes, I have strong feelings for him but I am also aware that nothing can ever come of it. Neither of us can let go of the other.

I have, over the last few months, tried to bring someone else into my life to distract me and make me realise that there are other men out there. It is hopeless. I am an attractive, intelligent 50 year old woman but seem to fail miserably in this area. I joined a few dating sites and met up with a few. Most were only interested in a quickie and they went from chatting regularly to ghosting me once they realised I wasn't going to (on the first date!!!). Then a few others it would just fizzle out. Then I started chatting, a few months ago, to a man my age who lives 35 miles north. He has never married and doesn't have children and seems like a really nice guy. He has a good job and keeps himself fit. He is close to his parents and sisters and paid for his sisters divorce (and mortgage when she was going through a divorce). He is also very proud of his teenage nieces and it's obvious he has showered them in support and love instead of children he may have had (but didn't). This is fine and I think it's quite sweet.

We chatted a lot at the start. He told me he's regretted being too cautious about marriage and wanted to he be with someone. We had arranged to meet this week but, unfortunately, I had to call it off as I have come down with Covid (first time ever). He seems keen to meet though once I'm better.

Trouble I'm finding is...he doesn't message much and, when he does, he chats for a couple of minutes and then just disappears. He does a lot of running and goes to the gym a lot (he sends me videos of this so I know it's true). I struggle to get a conversation out of him. It's always me striking up a chat. Unlike the other guy, who is still in my life, who can chat to me for hours and hours. If I go quiet and don't message him, he will then message and ask about my day etc. I have spoken to him on the phone but it's always me who asks to phone him for a chat and he doesn't ask me.

He says he gets lonely and misses intimacy in his life but doesn't seem to respond to me teasing him a bit on WhatsApp. The other guy is very passionate and I can switch him on in a second. He is always complimentary towards me too and always has been. What is wrong with this other guy? I don't want another lemon like my stbxh. I have lived a marriage with no affection etc. I married an older man and lack of attraction towards him was the major issue in the marriage breakdown but ai have struggled to deal with what I have missed out on over the years.

Is this other guy just not interested? He is very well spoken and intelligent. He just doesn't seem to be that interested in me. That's the way it feels! Even though he will say goodnight in a WhatsApp message with a kiss after it. And, he is definitely not married etc. He has shared pics of his workplace/sisters/nieces with me and seems to be friendly enough but lacks that something. He is 50 too.

I had a browse of the dating sites again and just nothing is standing out! I'm so fussy and still very much starry eyed over the OM.

Really feeling lonely in the evenings!!! Crying a lot!!!

What should I do about this guy who seems to need a big stick to make him wake up? We haven't met yet btw.

Bump

Sorry you’re having a tough time with this, it will get better - all I can say is that some people (myself included) hate talking on the phone and messaging a lot can feel a bit burdonsome, particularly if it’s in a dating situation and you feel like you always have to sound smart/funny/engaging. I’m sure you aren’t pressuring him to be that way, but it would be natural if he does.

Sounds like you need to meet him before making any decisions, and who knows, hopefully being in person will make it all work out! But if it doesn’t, don’t be too hard on yourself; there are going to be a lot of the dating crowd seeking something casual, there are also a lot out there who will be looking for something closer to what you want. It might feel like it takes forever, time warps in a weird way when seeking something specific, but if you’re open (and accept it’s almost certainly going to go wrong a couple of times) you’ll find something, or even a few things over time, that will enrich and satisfy.

TL;DR give him a go in person, some people hate phonecalls and DMs!

i would somewhat agree with @Tinytinseltown. some men may be old fashioned and rather have face to face conversation. It may also be that he may be trying to protect himself by having a face to face over a period of time will give him the confidence to start communicating more. I hope you are able to reflect within yourself to be able to overcome the pangs of loneliness with either activities or other social interactions that will help you to enjoy life more. You do you!

wishing you a speedy recovery!

Thanks for the replies.

He does seem like a really nice man and it's obvious he's been alone for quite some time and is after a relationship. Maybe you're right and he just wants to speak in person. I think that meeting him in person will make a big difference. I just need to recover from this viruses which is hanging around!

Some people cba to text (I’m one) and some men don’t talk much about anything ever. It may be because you haven’t met, or he may not be very communicative. He doesn’t sound wildly exciting tbh.

This new guy is 50. Never been married. No kids. Has he lived with someone or had substantial LTR? I think he may have a fear of commitment, so tread carefully and don’t back only this horse…

Sorry if this is inappropriate Op, but having gone through the menopause, are you on HRT? Just curious how you can be bothered with all this running around after men at this stage of your life?

Man 1. You haven't even met him!! I'd hold fire on judgement based on his text etiquette alone. Give it a chance.

Man 2. Married. So, obviously never going anywhere and will always cause you a degree of pain.

My advice is to give the new man a chance and leave married men alone x

Well the good news is ...we are meeting up tomorrow (now I'm clear of Covid) and it was him that asked. He actually chatted to me quite a lot yesterday.

I know the OM is bad for me. Trouble is, we get on extremely well. He is very aware that things shouldn't have happened. I'm really trying to stop thinking about him the way that I do as I know a lot of it was my hormonal state (menopause) and the fact my marriage was, indeed, dead. We were
never meant to meet. Ever.

I went through a really bad time with the sudden hormonal changes. My periods didn't tail off like with most women. They just stopped abruptly. I'd also experienced a few shake ups in my life before then (one, losing my mother to cancer and, two, a bad issue at work). It was a perfect storm and I felt very 'out of sorts' for a long time. It made me do things I wouldn't normally have done and In felt like a different person. The whole episode made me re-evaluate my life. No, not on HRT but I'm a lot better these days.

Hoping my life improves.

The new man has lived with someone long term. She was 14 years his junior and he said he always felt uncomfortable about that and she also sounds like she was high maintenance. He said he'd realised that they didn't have much in common and she wouldn't travel anywhere. He loves to travel (so do I).

He seems like a really nice man tbh. Very polite, well spoken etc. We certainly have more in common than I did with my ex. We are also close in age. He is 5 months older than me.

It'll be interesting to see what he's like in reality!

He also said he was very shy when he was younger and was a late starter. Maybe he's a bit reserved. I'm sure he will be nice anyway!

I have nothing very profound to say, I just want to say I'm here in a similar position as you. Cry a lot in the evenings, and my relationship with m OH is loveless.

Though I think it's good you are looking ahead, and distracting yourself. You don't have to have it ALL figured out @TheNorth , just take it day by day.

You deserve good things in life. This is a massive life change, and I promise things will get better, just take it one day at a time.

I already see a person who's accomplished so much x

Sorry to hear you are in a loveless marriage too - it's awful. I spent a lot of time unhappy and lonely in my marriage too.

Thank you for your kind words. Means a lot!

@TheNorth how was it OP?

Hi,

It was nice meeting him. He's a lovely person tbh. Extremely polite. We spent a few hours together. We split the cost of things - I didn't want him paying for everything. We went to a lovely, quirky cafe for lunch and went for a walk by the river. He is currently in London but has messaged me every day since we met up and seems keen to meet up again when he gets back.
He'd been in a long term relationship with a younger woman (14 years his junior) and said he'd always felt uncomfortable about it so knew where I was coming from in terms of age gap. We are only 5 months apart which is obvious as you can tell we know things about the same era.
We sat in the car for ages chatting and he was so polite. Didn't make a move at all. I took hold of his hand and he blushed which I thought was sweet and we shared a nice kiss (I didn't feel comfortable with more at that point). I definitely think he has a hot fire of passion stoking about in there but we will see. I don't seem to connect with him as well as the OM (who I've known a few years now).

OM has messaged a few times and we still get on great but, deep down, I know it will never go anywhere and he was, in effect, giving me something that I was missing in my marriage. I should've really though about things before we got carried away but I was so under the influence of hormones I couldn't control it. Yes, menopause kicked this whole episode off 5 years ago. No, I'm not on HRT. I feel better in myself now and think I'm through the worst of it. It has changed my life. But, a sexless/loveless marriage was no way to live. I was with a man I wasn't attracted to and saw him as no more than a friend.

Not sure what is going to happen next. I feel guilt over destroying the lives of others but realise, deep down, I was being damaged irreversibly.

Time will tell.

Oh, and he admitted that blood flow was being directed elsewhere while he was sat in the car with me!

He has also told me he thinks I'm stunning

When we met he was full of chat!

Probably because I've had a massive wake up call

Man 2 does cause me a degree of pain, yes. Heartache. So much heartache. Hence why I started searching elsewhere.